From: "Christopher T. Hehman" Subject: Re: New pin idea (seriously!) Date: 22 Aug 1995 18:56:08 GMT U.S. Congress ============= In an effort to find jobs for displaced defense contractors and increase revenue at the same time, the federal government has decided to enter the pinball business! It's the next item on the subcommittee's agenda, right after the proposed Space Station (which has only been there for 20 years now). Here are the rules in their current form. Playfield --------- Flippers Only two, with a donkey painted on the left and an elephant on the right. The total number of left and right flips is calculated and displayed at the end of your game, along with a political rating as follows: High left:right ratio High right:left ratio Communist Socialist Liberal Moderate Conservative Fascist Buchanan During play testing, a software bug caused Sen. Jesse Helms to be called a "Communist". He is listed in "serious but stable" condition in a Washington area hospital. This is a main reason for the committee delay. The original plan was much more grandiose. It called for over 400 tiny flippers scattered about the playfield, some which flipped with the left button, some with the right, some that didn't flip at all, and some that flipped regardless of whether any buttons were pressed or not. This was deemed too realistic, and was removed in an effort to cut costs, along with the plunger. Slingshots Pentagonal slingshots designed to funnel balls down the outlanes or down the middle. The slingshot kickers are made from leftover machine gun parts, and have a tendency to rapidly fire 30-40 times after each hit. Inlanes There are no inlanes. Only outlanes. Outlanes The outlanes leads to the.. Kickbacks One on each side, lit at the start of the game. After each use, you need to put a quarter/token in the appropriate coin slot to relight. Deficit hole A large scoop in the center of the playfield. Any ball which enters this scoop will disappear forever. On ramps Two ramps, one on each side of the playfield, which connect in the middle over the top of the playfield. The bridge ("Beltway") contains a magnet which ferries balls from one side to the other, where it exits down the opposite (exit) ramp. If several balls enter the beltway during multiball, the system slows down to a crawl, and your balls may not return for half an hour or more. Pork captive ball A large plastic pig with a captive ball situated as if it were an apple in it mouth. This is the Super Jackpot shot, and a very lucrative shot in general. Left/right orbits Shoot these to launch satellites/missiles into orbit. You don't want to know what happens if a weak shot hits the back of the... Capital Building A spinning replica of the famous structure. Getting the ball up the steps is quite a challenge. Shoot here to start modes and lock balls. Investigation Targets Shoot here during the Congressional Hearing mode to grill witnesses and defendants. Rollovers Spell "P-A-C" to increase bonus multiplier. Tax Bumpers Hit to tax citizens. No maximum value. Scoring ------- Your score starts at negative 4.5 trillion points, and will only start to increase once you have "Balanced the Budget", by completing all the modes, getting 3 Super Jackpots, and hitting the Tax Bumpers several thousand times. Modes ----- Override Veto Hit 2/3 of the switches in the game to complete. Pander to Lobbyists Shoot the Pork captive ball 3 times to add an unbelievable amount of points to your bonus. Evade the Press A video mode where you dodge questions. Finishing the mode increases your Poll Rating, while getting hit zeros out your bonus. Break Fillibuster Shoot switches to throw things at the speaker, who is reading names from a phone book. Shoot Pork to throw livestock, and shoot ramps to throw illegally parked cars. After 60 switches, the speaker is dislodged from his post and the mode ends. Cover-up Shoot the left ramp to shred documents and the right ramp to silence witnesses. If you shoot the Investigation Targets before hitting the ramps, your ball ends immediately. Quorum Call Shoot the Capital building to awaken sleeping congressmen until a sufficient number are awake enough to vote. Pass Legislation Shoot the ramps to frantically drive to Washington and then the Capital to introduce your bill. You will then need to hit 1/2 the switches in the game for your bill to become law. Your Poll Rating increases by 5% for each Pork hit and decreases 1% for every Tax Bumper hit during this mode. Congressional Hearing Shoot the Investigation Targets to grill witnesses and indict defendants. Be sure to wait until the timer is almost up to maximize the Bad Press and Lingering Issue values. Cut Spending Hit various shots to reduce funding to a given program. Here is a list: Slingshots: Cut defense spending. The slingshots will no longer fire for the rest of the game. Left Orbit: Cut education. The game will start making mathematical errors while calculating your score. Left Ramp: Cut Social Security. Your game ends immediately. Capital: Cut Congressional staff. Your poll rating rises but you can no longer start modes. Pork: Cut pet programs. Reelection multiball is no longer available. Right Ramp: Cut Medicare/Medicaid. Compensation for any broken switches ends immediately. Right Orbit: Cut NASA. For each subsequent switch, there is a .1% chance that either a meteor will destroy the earth (and end your game) or that aliens will take over and start flipping for you. Tax Bumpers: Cut taxes. Your poll rating maxes at 95%, but "Balance the Budget" is no longer available. See Spoilers for Secret Pay Hike mode. Reelection Multiball -------------------- Hit ramps to light lock, and the Capital to lock balls. After Reelection is started, shoot ramps to kiss babies and raise your poll rating by 10%. Also, hit the Investigation Targets during your opponent's TV commercials to raise your rating by 15%. Hitting Investigation during YOUR commercials drops the rating back down to 0%. Once the rating climbs to 51%, the Capital is lit for jackpot. Once it is up to 95%, the Pork captive ball is lit for Super Jackpot. If you fail to hit any jackpots during multiball, hit the Capital to get the Lame Duck Award. Spoilers -------- Hitting Pork 10 times starts Secret Pay Hike mode. Before a horde of journalists can bash in the door of the Capital building, shoot the Tax Bumpers as much as you possibly can. Kevin, does this count as a "Fantasy Pin", or is it too grounded in actual events? -- Hehman, who hopes this parody doesn't result in an IRS audit.