From oracle-request Thu Aug 17 20:33:13 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id UAA28861; Thu, 17 Aug 1995 20:33:13 -0500 Date: Thu, 17 Aug 1995 20:33:13 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #765 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 765 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #765 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 17 Aug 1995 20:33:13 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 765 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 760 112 votes tnteh dtyjh 4sNo7 6mMnd rJsa2 1kBDf 4eAxp 4hvCm afwpu 4gtAr 760 3.2 mean 2.7 3.0 3.0 3.1 2.2 3.4 3.5 3.5 3.4 3.6 --- 765-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise, wise *wise*, cool, groovy, froody, most deliciously sexy > Oracle, please grant me a grain of wisdom from your beach of knowledge. > > Why is the oracle so dull nowadays? I hardly ever get a witty or even a > remotely intelligent answer! I suspect that an imitation Oracle is at > work here. Is this true? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Someone looks up at you from the other side of the Oracle's desk. } "Errrr... uhmmm... no, I am >still< the... errr... One True Orifice. } I still hate... errr... beavers just as much as I ever did!" His } mustache begins to slide down his face. "I still zap... errr... } zip... errr... knock down any mortal who asks silly questions!" } } "Ignore any of the rumors that the Real Oracle is with Lisa, } vacationing at the Hedonism II hotel in Jamaica, and any rumors that } he sent his cousin B1FF to take over for a while. They're completely } and utterly false!" He waves his hands madly around the air. "Now, } begone, or I'll... I'll frobnitz you!" } } As you leave, you hear a plaintive whine. "Before you go, could } you tell me how this Staff of *zot* is supposed to work?" You hear } a loud *ZOT*, then silence. In a tiny voice, you hear... "Owwwwww... } I think I found it..." --- 765-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise,how may i find an internet address for someone on > America Online. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're in luck. As the result of AOL's aggressive marketing strategy } (i.e., mailing out free diskettes at a rate of 23,157,998 _per diem_), } every man, woman, and child on this planet is now on America OnLine. As } a result, any internet address you concoct has a 93.4% probability of } being the internet address for someone on America OnLine (the remaining } 6.6% are the addresses for NSA computers). So just pick one at random. } } You owe the Oracle the scores from Saturday's NSA intramural softball } game. --- 765-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Which is better, Post Raisin Bran or Kellogg's Raisin Bran? Or is > there another alternative that I've missed? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } After a rigourous programme of testing, I am happy to present a study } on the comparitive suitability of Post Raisin Bran (PRB) as compared } with Kellogg's Raisin Bran (KRB): } } Test 1: Palatability } } 215 grams of PRB, KRB and shredded cardboard slices were served to a } dozen supplicants in a double blind taste test. Seven of the twelve } supplicants were able to correctly identify the Shredded raisin bran } (mainly from the texture of the raisins), but only one supplicant } was able to distinguish PRB from KRB, but she preffered the shredded } cardboard anyway. } } Result: inconclusive } } Test 2: LD-50 } } Three seperate groups of supplicants were administered 750 grams of } PRB, KRB or shredded cardboard each hour until half of each subject } group became "regular". The KRB group reached the 50 percent level at } a dose of 6.75 kg per person, while PRB group achieved the 50 percent } level at 6 kg/person. No measurable bowel activity was achieved in the } control group for the duration of the experiment. } } Result: Emergency removal of papier mache from Oracle labs sewers } } Test 3: Addictiveness } } The price of PRB, KRB and shredded cardboard was raised at a small } suburban supermarket in $15 increments until sales dropped by 25%. } While there was a marked decline in PRB and KRB sales as soon as the } unit price exceeded $90 a box, there was no effect on shredded } cardboard sales. } } Result: Shredded cardboard is extremely addictive } } Test 4: Product recognition } } Shoppers at a large shopping mall were offered bowls of KRB, PRB and } shredded cardboard. 27% of suibjects ran away screaming. 30% of } subjects were ably to identify KRB, while only 16% of subject correctly } identified PRB, 97% of subjects were able to identify shredded } carboard. } } Result: Shredded cardboard is well recognized. } } Test 5: Impact Assessment } } Boxes of KRB, PRB and Shredded cardboard were driven into a solid wall } at 10, 20, 40 and 55 mph. At low speeds, PRB boxes offered occupants } the most protection. No boxes provided occupants significant } protection at speeds over 20 mph. } } Result: Neither cereal box offers sufficient levels of protection in } the event of a crash. } } Test 6: Benchmark } } KRBSpec V1.1 and PRBSpec V2.3 were run on the PRB box and KRB box } respectively. It was not possible to test the shredded cardboard's } benchmark as the benchmarking software was not compatible. The time } taken to install windows 95 was also measured. } } Results: } } Box: PRB KRB PRB KRB } } Test S'ware KRBSpec KRBSpec PRBSpec PRBSpec } } Test: } MFLOPS 7.14 98.3 100 6 } WritePixel 120 ns 110 ns 50 ns 120 ns } Disk Access 350 msec 100 msec 250 msec 800 msec } RAM speed 100 ns 50 ns 60 ns 80 ns } DOS compat? n n n n } } RAM 16 MB 32 MB } W95 (hrs) 3 5 } } It should be noted that the writepixel for the KRB box was consistantly } slower since it was configured with a 24 bit display. Neither box was } able to multitask effectively. } } Test 7: Popularity } } 100 random supplicants were polled and asked the following question: } } Who would you vote for out of these candidates for President } 1) PRB } 2) KRB } 3) Shredded cardboard } 4) Hilary Clinton } 5) Ross Perot ? } } Results: } } 1) PRB 12% } 2) KRB 16% } 3) Shredded cardboard 61% } 4) Hilary Clinton 20% } 5) Ross Perot ? 4.9% } } I hope this information will help your choice. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "How to lie with statistics" --- 765-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How to get to Newsgroups? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } BEFORE I CAN GRANT YOUR REQUEST, O SUPPLICANT, THE ORACLE DEMANDS THAT } YOU PROVE YOURSELF WORTHY. YOU MUST BRING ME THE LAPTOPS OF CANTER & } SIEGEL. IN THAT WAY, I WILL KNOW THAT YOU ARE WORTHY OF THE TIME AND } EFFORT OF THE MIGHTY ORACLE. NOW LEAVE THIS PLACE, AND DO NOT RETURN } WITHOUT THE LAPTOPS OF CANTER & SIEGEL! } } P.S. PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN. --- 765-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My truck just doesn't have the pick-up it used to. I change the oil > every 3000 miles, the sparkplugs every 30K, the air filter every > 20K, and I even add that fuel injector cleaner to the gas tank every > once in a while. So why...WHY?...oh great and powerful Oracle, has > she lost some of her acceleration speed? > > Thanks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's see..... } } PERIODIC MAINTENANCE FOR TRUCKS } } CHANGE OIL 3K Yes } CHANGE PLUGS 30K Yes } CHANGE AIR FILTER 20K Yes } FUEL INJECTOR CLEANER Yes } ADD FUEL WHEN EMPTY Uh oh..... } } Okay, your CV joints are shot, your catalytic converter is stuck in an } Nth-order binary loop, the compensating turboencabulator system is } leaking CFCs, and I think you've lost an engine mount. Gonna cost } ya...about a grand. } } You owe the Oracle NO out-of-state checks. --- 765-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I was told to: > >FIND OUT WHY YOUR PHONE GIVES THE BUSY SIGNAL AND FIX IT!!! > > But it turns out that these days people don't get rollover into > voicemail unless they can provide a business justification! In order to > get it, I need to fill out something that sounded like a "TSCN request" > and get it signed by a higher-up. But WHAT IS A TSCN REQUEST AND WHERE > CAN I FIND ONE? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's see ... have to go to the reference shelf for this one. } } "Encyclopedia Galactica" ... nope } "Chaucer's Insider's Guide to the English Language" ... nope } "How to Build a Pocket-Sized Thermonuclear Device" ... nope } "The Official Zaphod Beeblebrox Bartender's Guide" ... nope } "Lord of the Rings" ... nope (and how the hell did THAT get here?) } "Internals and Data Structures Manual" ... nope } "The Complete Woodchuck BBQ Cookbook" ... nope } "Lisa's Unabridged Diaries" ... *cough* nope } } Blast. Where DID I put that? } } Aha! Here it is. "The Oracle's Comprehensive Guide to Overloaded } Acronyms." As even you mortals may have noticed, it's nearly } impossible to find unambiguous acronyms any more (even for the Big } Guy, ever since Guaranteed Overnight Delivery started advertising), } so this little baby comes in handy. Now ... *flip* *flip* *flip* } } TSCN (21) Table of Strange City Names } TSCN (22) Telephone Service Change Number } TSCN (23) Tennessee State Commissioner of Naugahyde } TSCN (24) Terminate Supplicant Clod Now } } Hmm, I think I see a likely candidate. I'll send you a form } immediately, and warm up the auxiliary generators here. No charge. --- 765-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Aha! Did you think that the Usenet Oracle would be unable to see your } dastardly attempt at mind control? Using our uncanny powers of } elucidation, we shall reveal your deviously "blank" query for what it } really is: } } [actual contents of the message follow] } } > FFFFFFFFF NNN NN OOOOOOO RRRRRRRR DDDDDDD !!! } > FFF NNNN NN OOO OOO RRR RRR DDD DDD !!! } > FFFFFF NN NNN NN OOO OOO RRR RRR DDD DDD !!! } > FFF NN NNN NN OOO OOO RRRRRRRR DDD DDD !!! } > FFF NN NNNN OOO OOO RRR RRR DDD DDD } > FFF NN NNN OOOOOOO RRR RRR DDDDDDD !!! } } The Oracle wishes to make it known that we are adamantly opposed to } this sort of Illuminati-supported subversion of the Usenet-reading } public! We find it frankly disgusting, and we WILL NOT stand for it! } Furthermore... } } [knock knock] } } Whoops, just a minute... } } Yes? ... You want me to *what*? ... Oh yeah? Well, just try and make } Oof! Ow! Hey, leggo of Ouch! Why you... } } [whack, thud, biff, ZOT!, swish, crack, crash, KABOOM!] } } PLEASE DISREGARD THIS POSTING. THE ILLUMINATI DO NOT EXIST FNORD. } GO BACK TO WHATEVER YOU WERE DOING. THIS IS ONLY A JOKE FNORD. WE } REPEAT, THE ILLUMINATI DO NOT EXIST. THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION. } } YOU OWE THE ILLUM^H^H^H^H^HORACLE YOUR COMPLETE, UNQUESTIONING } ALLEGIANCE FNORD. EWIGE BLUMENKRAFT! --- 765-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I send a fax via Internet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I get asked computer questions like this all the time, so I'll just } include a excerpt from the "Computer Questions for the Oracle: } Grovelless Edition" FAQ file: } ---------- } } SENDING FAXES OVER THE INTERNET } } Sending faxes over the Internet used to be a complicated process, but } now you too can save several pennies in long-distance phone charges. } Here's what you need to do: } } 1. Scan the page with a hand scanner. (Flatbed scanners are } incompatible with the FAX standards...yeah, that's the ticket...) } } 2. Use the "stitching" software that came with your scanner to } assemble the final image. } } 3. Convert to a GIF file. You'll probably have to download a graphics } file converter from CICA or WUARCHIVE...or, in your case, Compuserve... } } 4. Upload the GIF file to a UNIX workstation. If you're doing this } via a modem, consult the documentation that came with your terminal } software. } } 5. Convert the GIF file to EPS format. (Warning: The file will now } be enormous, so you will probably have to remove some of your other } files to make room for this monster.) } } 6. Download the EPS file back to your PC. Just for fun, use a } different terminal program than you did in step 4. I would recommend } trying Microsoft's Terminal--it's loads of fun. } } 7. Embed the EPS file in a Word for Windows document. (Everybody who } is anybody is embedding objects in Windows applications these days.) } } 8. Upload the Word document back to the UNIX workstation. Use a } different transfer protocol this time...ymodem is my personal favorite } when I have a few hours to kill. } } 9. Since MIME never became quite as common of a standard as everyone } thought it would, you'll have to use "uuencode" to convert the file to } ASCII. (Of course, less than 1% of the American population has a high } enough IQ to figure out how to use uuencode...) } } 10. Now simply email the ASCII file to the recipient. It probably } would be a good idea to give the recipient the instructions to decode } the files, although it might be more interesting to see if he or she } can figure it out for themselves. } --------- } } In case you are interested, the FAQ file also has the following } sections: } } - "Spawning Processes Via WWW Browsers" } - "What Happens When Two Computers Have the Same IP Address" } - "Deleting the Swap File in Windows" } - "DOS Computers Have _No_ Security" } - "You Don't Need A Password, Just a Screwdriver" } - "10 _More_ Ways to Give the System Administrator a Headache" } - "This Old .signature Virus" } } You owe the Oracle....ah, heck, don't worry about it. The Oracle is } getting quite a chuckle out of the thought of somebody actually trying } this... --- 765-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, all-knowing Oracle of the Mighty Usenet, whose body is like > Schwartzenegger and face is like Borgnine, who set the planets in their > place and gave us cable, please answer one simple question - - - if you > tied a piece of peanut-butter toast to a cat's back and threw it up in > the air, which side would land on the floor? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This question, first postulated in 1872 as a paradox (viz. does the } toast land butter side down, or does the cat land on it's feet) was a } popular discussion piece for a number of years, and was finally solved } by Schroedinger using the techniques of quantum mechanics. } } The theorum, known as Shroedinger's Other Cat, states that, for a } finite number of observations, the toast actually quantum-tunnels } through the cat, such that both the toast and the cat land on the floor } together. On the occasions where the toast fails to breach the } potential energy well, both cat and toast tend to a singularity and } cease to exist in three dimensional space. } } Under no circumstances should you attempt to re-create this experiment } at home, the release of gamma particles can cause severe skin burns. } } The science in this reply has been made up to protect the innocent. } } You owe the oracle a cup of tea. --- 765-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What will the answer to this question be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A rhetorical question, perhaps?