From kinzler Tue Jan 8 09:50:22 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 8 Jan 91 09:44:52 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #248 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 248 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #248 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 8 Jan 91 09:44:52 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 235 14 votes 10652 22532 33161 31352 25421 12146 13451 12641 13541 13154 235 3.2 mean 3.5 3.1 2.9 3.1 2.6 3.9 3.1 3.1 3.1 3.6 236 19 votes 54523 23860 15742 13a41 03b23 66340 13726 11449 01594 18622 236 3.1 mean 2.7 2.9 3.1 3.1 3.3 2.3 3.5 4.0 3.8 2.8 237 14 votes 24701 33152 24431 13352 20354 11273 01247 05432 26501 44420 237 3.1 mean 2.6 3.0 2.8 3.3 3.6 3.7 4.2 3.1 2.4 2.3 238 15 votes 12543 10473 53340 03633 11751 12552 11472 15333 06252 2011b 238 3.4 mean 3.4 3.7 2.4 3.4 3.3 3.3 3.5 3.1 3.2 4.3 239 22 votes a5313 4a512 17653 03883 15763 32a34 16753 24673 43a32 04288 239 3.1 mean 2.2 2.4 3.1 3.5 3.2 3.1 3.1 3.2 2.8 3.9 240 17 votes 34460 15911 15560 42623 35810 14741 63125 14435 63332 25541 240 2.8 mean 2.8 2.8 2.9 2.9 2.4 3.0 2.8 3.4 2.5 2.8 241 13 votes 14422 03433 16321 15340 23521 32701 54121 04351 12442 24151 241 2.9 mean 3.0 3.5 2.7 2.8 2.8 2.5 2.2 3.2 3.3 2.9 242 13 votes 12622 23530 22531 23431 12541 03253 11254 01471 43240 01534 242 3.2 mean 3.2 2.7 2.9 2.8 3.2 3.6 3.8 3.6 2.5 3.8 243 14 votes 02552 02534 01553 11237 22613 12254 04433 05720 12542 03137 243 3.5 mean 3.5 3.6 3.7 4.0 3.1 3.6 3.4 2.8 3.3 4.0 --- 248-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ohh really spiffy oracle, > > Will I lose my hair? I mean ZI really like it. But my fater is going > bald. So what will happen? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your fater is losing his hair. He is also losing his letters. You must } be well aware of the problems of heredity in these matters, the general } rule is that half of you comes from your father, the other from your } mother. } } Hair loss, and no doubt letters-loss is directly attributable to having } children. } } The 'Z' you have aquired is the ASCII representation of the logical or } of the 'h' lost by your fater, and the 'o' from your mther, all mod the } CRC of your genetic code. } } The answer is that you will grdually gain hair, letters, and no doubt } other bodily and mental attributes, until you have children of your own, } at which point you will lose them to your kids. } } You owe the oracle your firstborn child. The oracle collects letters, } you see. --- 248-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and gracious Oracle, whose naval lint I am unworthy to pick, > lick or flick, please recommend a New Year's resolution that I will > actually be able to keep for longer than a day and a half. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Useful stuff, that Naval lint. It's an analog of the Unix "lint" } program for Ada, written by a team of Navy programmers supervised by } Rear Adm. Grace Murray Hopper (ret.). } } There are huge numbers of New Year's resolutions that you will have no } trouble whatever in keeping. None. The problem is that they all } involve things that you would be very unlikely to do anyhow. Very } unlikely. For instance, you could resolve not to: } drink a cupful of burning industrial solvents } castrate yourself at home and then go limping to the emergency } room of your local hospital to have them check on how good a job you did } dress up as the young Julie Andrews and go around offering people } sex in an Alpine meadow } bite off your lover's genitals } eat turnips } eat Dairy Queen hamburgers } chew on paintings done by North Italian masters of the late } Renaissance } transplant gallbladders } be an armadillo } You see how many things you can resolve not to do? Easy! The point is } that any resolution that would do you good you're certain to break } within a couple of days. } } You owe the Oracle the strength to keep the following resolutions: } no more writing to/from the Oracle } no more netnews } no more ads in alt.personals } no more jerking off } diligent work on the thesis work } no more getting drunk } no more bowling (too expensive and dangerous) --- 248-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh ye marvelous Oracle, oh creation not for the fainthearted. Oh > pusillanimous pussycat, oh dogmatic dog, egregious egret, please > enlighten this humble, yet filled with noble virtue, seeker of truth > justice and the American Way (e.g. another lay) as to wit, to wisdom of > this. > > Which goes better with my black leather skirt; seamed black hose and > garter belt, or white patterned stocking. And what do you think, > panties, or no panties? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, got a big date, eh? Well, the answer really depends on the } individual guy's level of madonna-whore neuroticism, so I can't } answer definitively. } } Take it from the Oracle, it's not true that men only want one } thing in a woman. Most of them want two things: They want a } woman who'll take over their vacant "mommy" position, and cook } and clean and care for them and generally be pure and caring } and naive and submissive; and they also want sex. Lots of sex. } Sex, sex, and more sex. } } (There are, it should be noted, a few men who only want one } thing. Avoid these guys if possible. Also, avoid the guys } who want three or more things; they're *serious* bad news.) } } Back to the topic at hand: Since a lot of men, for some } thoroughly incoherent reason of their own, don't understand } that mothers, by definition, have sex, they feel that there's } something basically incompatible between their two drives. } They come to this subconscious conclusion: "No woman who can } satisfy my desire for a mother-figure can also satisfy my desire } for sex." And so, when they meet women who seem to satisfy one } desire or the other, they reject them out of hand. What they're } really searching for, as they wander the world in their neurotic } haze, is women who are as completely confused as they are. } } So if you want to attract your average American man, you've got } to *look* as if you're a full-blown gonzo loon. You've got to } send mixed messages. So, to answer your question (finally!): } I'd say, wear the white patterened stockings; the lacy look will } remind him of weddings and doilies and kitchen window curtains, } and he'll subconsciously associate you with the homey, motherly } qualities he desires, while the black leather skirt reminds him } of sex, which'll get his hindbrain on your side. This is, } effectively, an end-run around his psychic blocks; the Oracle can } attest to the fact that it's usually quite successful. } } For more information on this important topic, you may wish to } refer to Alan Strybing's doctoral disseration in Psychology, } "Infantile Social Fetishism: An Analysis of the Psychosexual } Symbology of Fashion in Clothing and Cosmetics, with respect } to their Preconscious Interpretation by American Males," which } was subsequently republished in _Cosmopolitan_ under the title } "Hot Looks for Cold Weather." } } Oh, and definitely wear the panties; you're getting your } period tonight. --- 248-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I heard aphids are born pregnant. Is this true? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes indeed. This is one of the many wonderous but little publicized } facts about the Animal Kingdom. Some others are: } } 1) Carpenter ants are born constipated, DESPITE the fact that they have } the highest percentage of dietary fiber in their diets ever recorded } (tied for first place with termites, who, however, have no such } digestive irregularities.) } } 2) Hyenas are the only known animal with an internal supply of nitrous } oxide. Central African efforts to tap this natural resource to improve } dentistry have been a disappointment, although they have had the side } benefit that the treatment of amputated limbs is now much better } understood. } } 3) Humpback whales are born with a fluent command of English, French, } Spanish, German, Russian, and seventeen other human languages(fnord). } The fluty sing-song language they use when in the presence of humans is } due to a misunderstanding caused by the fact that the whales' first } human contact was with a Swiss Yodeler. } } 4) North American salmon have only recently begun swimming up mountain } streams to spawn. They were, in fact, perfectly happy to do their } spawning in the sea before a blitz advertising campaign by Coors Beer on } network TV convinced them that no young, vibrant fish would be caught } dead in anything but Rocky Mountain spring water. } } Other such interesting facts can be found in Imaginitive Pseudoscience } Magazine, but you owe the Oracle a year's subscription to Omni instead: } it's a little more entertaining and less rigorous than IPM. --- 248-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why did I buy these Dr. Pepper's and have not yet drunk them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As Freud showed, every human being has, to one degree or another, a } death wish. In most of you, this wish is kept well controlled, but in } some maladjusted individuals, it gains a degree of primacy, leading to } starting wars, unexplained suicides, the Bush administration, and } similar self-destructive behavior patterns. Most often, the death wish } is an unconscious one, and is expressed subtly, in risky (or seemingly } risky) behavior like BASE jumping, free-climbing, unsafe sex, } uncontrolled drug abuse, or even riding city busses. Sometimes the } death wish is sublimated into a search for activities that *seem* like } death, such as watching network television. } } In your case, the death wish expressed itself as a desire to damage your } body by drinking carbonated water adulterated with sugar, artificial } colorings, artificial flavorings, and other chemicals of dubious } character, which not coincidentally give a flavor very reminiscent of } the crypt. There was, however, conflict between this death wish and the } natural desire of all organisms to survive and reproduce (reproduction } is rare among heavy Peppers). You resolved this internal conflict by } purchasing, but not consuming, the deadly concoction. This is similar } to the urge some people feel to collect weapons or instruments of } torture. } } Your adjustment to this situation is normal and natural, and can even be } used to your advantage, both in the direct, if somewhat morbid, pleasure } of possessing the beverage and in the self-motivation that can be } achieved by conscious harnessing of the death wish toward positive } purposes. You need only exercise caution to assure that you are not } becoming death-obsessed. Such an obsession might lead you to take some } excessive risk, such as actually drinking Dr. Pepper. Should this come } to seem a realistic possibility, you should seek professional } counseling. } } You owe the Oracle gratification of its Oedipus complex. --- 248-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If not lives, what of freedom? I would trade much for freedom. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As the Oracle, I took it upon myself to examine your bank account and } various assets, including those liquid, solid, physical, intellectual, } emotional, spiritual, and otherwise. Well, I hate to tell you, but } the going rate for top-notch freedom is quite beyond your means in } most of these catagories (keep away from the Pepsi and Cheetos during } those late nights of downloading from alt.sex.pictures and your } physical assets would improve tremendously). } } However, you look like the sincere sort, and I had a great time last } night with Lisa and some power kitchen utensils, so I'm in the mood to } cut a little deal with you. } } Now, as I mentioned, the first quality freedom is a bit out of your } reach, but I have some hardly used freedoms that would give you a bit } of a karma debt, but I think you could afford to pay it off in only a } few short lifetimes. Let me list a few for you: } } Here's a classic. 1950's freedom, the American model. Yeah, some of } those features may seem unnecessary and even a bit gaudy, but as long } as you are not a communist sympathizer or female or a minority this } will probably be adequate for your means. True, this model was made } when people thought bigger was better and that freedom would never run } out, but there's there's still a chance that it could be converted to } new alternative or synthetic freedoms. It's in great shape, and was } only used by an elderly gentleman who used it to vote for Eisenhower. } You can have it for the small price of your right to question } authority. } } Now, if you're a more care-free type you could try this 1960's model. } There's lots of freedom there as long as you are not of draftable age. } The free-love conditioning may seem a bit dated and the protest- } injection engine may be a bit loud, but if you don't mind the paisly } upholstery I hear that it's great for long trips. And, of course, the } stereo plays some great tunes. It's a steal for the price: an } occasional detachment from you higher brain functions and the death of } a couple of your idols. } } I see you noticed that sporty 1990 Euro model. Nice choice. Its an } up-and-coming company that has great potential to take over the market } if they can only organize their various branches. It's yours for the } cost of your sense of history. But I would warn you aginst the Soviet } model. It looks great, but no one can find the right fuel to run it, } and you will find that all the small republics in your neighborhood } will strip it to pieces even though those parts will never fit on } their own models. } } No, I would also advise you against that Chinese freedom. They } discontinued that model last year. } } Heyyyyy, here's one that you might harmonize with. The New Age model. } It's loaded with perks. You get your eternal life so you never have } to stop for gas or reality, it comes with a 40 channeler radio that } can reach as far as eight parallel universes away, an opaque magic } crystal windshield so you never have to look beyond your local belief } system, and a full in-dash astrological chart so you can see exactly } where you are going even though you really never get there. All you } have to give up for this baby is your common sense and any logical, } scientific, rational skepticism. Most people never use that stuff } anyway, so you would probably never miss it. } } Well, I understand that it's a tough decision but freedom is going } fast and if you don't buy now, there may be none left when you finally } change your mind. Sure, maybe somday you will earn enough to buy a } really top-of-the-line freedom, but don't bet on it. Even those who } can afford it balk at the cost: self-responsibility. The payments } never end, but the weird thing is, those who try it never seem to mind } paying each second of their lives. } } Thanks for coming by the Uncle Oracle's Freedom and Burger Store. You } owe the Oracle and all your friends a ride in your freedom when you } get it, and a chance to play with your fuzzy dice. --- 248-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where does the energy that maintains gravity come from? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, matter contains billyuns of billyuns of billyuns of itty bitty } little squirrels in cages, running around on itty bitty wheels and } turning wee generators that supply the weak force that causes } gravitation. If these squirrels were to stop, the matter everywhere } would drift randomly apart. So be nice to squirrels and feed them lots } and lots of nice goodies or their miniminiminiscule cousins in matter } will get really angry and go on strike. } } } --- 248-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why can't Christians realize their religion is inherently silly? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hum, a tough one here. Let me get hold of the Big Guy. } } PHONE HEAVEN::GOD } } HEAVEN::GOD> Hello. I see that you are using the VAX/VMS system today. } } ORACLE::SYSTEM> Yeap. You know what they say about "the wages of sin" } and what Lisa and I did last weekend. } } HEAVEN::GOD> Heh. Heh. } } ORACLE::SYSTEM> Anyway, I've got some dweeb down here who wants to } know why Christians don't realize that their religion is silly. } } HEAVEN::GOD> Silly? Silly! You want to talk about silly! Let me tell } you about those silly Hindus who worship phallic symbols, have } elephant-headed gods, and have to step in cow shit all day. } } SAT::SHIVA> Cow shit! I've had it up to *here* with this "one God" } bull shit and ... } } MECCA::ALLAH> But there is only one God and he is I. } } NIRVANA::BUDDA> What camel shit! Everyone is a God and this is ... } } MECCA::ALLAH> Dog shit! } } SAT::SHIVA> Pig shit! } } HEAVEN::GOD> Elephant shit! } } MECCA::ALLAH> Donkey shit! } } NIRVANA::BUDDA> Cat shit! } } HEAVEN::GOD> Horse shit! } } %exit } } } Well, now you know. Religious followers don't realize their religions } are silly because their Supreme Beings don't realize they are full of } shit. } } } Reply received on ORACLE from user SAT::SHIVA } YOU ARE NOW BANISHED TO WORKING ON RSX-11 SYSTEMS } } Reply received on ORACLE from user MECCA::ALLAH } YOU ARE NOW BANISHED TO WORKING ON A IBM PC } } Reply received on ORACLE from user NIRVANA::BUDDA } YOU ARE NOW BANISHED TO WORKING ON TRS-80s } } Reply received on ORACLE from user HEAVEN::GOD } NO! HE IS BANISHED TO A VIC-20 HOOKED TO AN OLD BLACK & WHITE TV. } } } You owe the Oracle a real computer and operating system to work on. --- 248-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered yur question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it thata junk food that is less bad for you (like unsalted > pretzels) always tastes worse than a junk food that is worse for you > (BBQ potato chips, say)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The phenomenon you report is a straightforward instance of Grandmother's } Second Law, The Law of Conservation of Gratification: If it tastes } good, it must be bad for you. (See below for a full statement of } Grandmother's Three Laws.) In more formal terms, this law requires that } for every benefit, there is an equal and opposite cost. The most } commonplace evidences of this law in action are found, of course, at a } dinner table at which small children are eating. Suppose that K } grandchildren, g[0], g[1],..., g[K-1], are seated around an ornate } dining-room table in an oak-panelled room decorated with faded } photographs. On the table, suppose that there are M dishes from which } each grandchild may take a portion of his meal 0 <= P(i,j) < 1, 0 <= i < } K and 0 <= j < M, such that for each i the sum over all j of the P(i,j) } = 1. With each dish, associate a benefit function B(j). Then, } Grandmother's Second Law implies that for all g[i]: } } M Researchers at the Harvard University School } ---- of Home Economics, working jointly with } > P(i,j) * B(j) = 0 members of the faculties of Philosophy and } ---- Divinities, have been investigating } j = 0 extensions to Grandmother's Laws. There } is preliminary evidence that these laws can } be generalized to populations large than one. These researchers hope to } prove that, in the experiment described above, benefit is conserved } among all children present. } } K M G(i) is the little-understood } ---- ---- "goodness" function, the values of } > G(i) > P(i,j) * B(j) = 0 which seemed to depend heavily on } ---- ---- the grandchild i, the grandmother, } i = 0 j = 0 and several other variables. This } result, they hope, may lead them } to a strong analogy between } Grandmother's Laws and the better-known Laws of Thermodynamics. If so, } the fundamental principles underlying Grandmother's Laws may provide a } clean, virtually limitless supply of energy for the technologies of the } 21st century. } ------------------ } Grandmother's First Law, The Law of Ocular Displacement: Put that down, } or you'll put an eye out! } } Grandmother's Second Law, The Law of Conservation of Gratification: If } it tastes good, it must be bad for you. } } Grandmother's Third Law, The Law of Genetic Entropy: Children these } days have no values. When I was your age... } } ======================================================================== } Oracle incarnation Josh Mittleman (joshua@paul.rutgers.edu) --- 248-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm noticing a dangerous preponderance of > Chia PetsTM around my campus lately. Someone on my floor received a > Chia PetTM for Christmas, and two people downstairs also received Chia > PetsTM. One of them even REQUESTED a Chia PetTM. And the funny thing > is, last year at this same time, I too received a Chia PetTM for > Christmas. I threw it off my fire escape because it wouldn't grow. Why > won't it go away? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hold on and let me delve into my almanac... } } >%almanac "Chia Pets" "mass migrations of" } >Loading data...complete. } >There were mass migrations of Chia Pets reported throughout the } >1980's. These obnoxious but cute creatures nicknamed Chia Pests have } >been found to be inclined to propogate in extremely large quantities } >in the month of December. Due to this, they can be found not only in } >any store in the WORLD, but also out on the streets. Because of this, } >they make extremely inexpensive Christmas presents (a holiday which } >happens to fall in the month of December). At any give location, the } >chance of a Chia population explosion is emminent. If this happens } >in a location near you (you can spot this by how many are given a } >Christmas presents), DO NOT PANIC. This phenomenon is only temporary. } >The large amounts of Chias found at ground zero of this population } >explosion will cause a housing shortage, and many Chias will find } >themselves on the streets. Many Chias will then move to new grounds. } >If the Chia population density (CDP) gets to high (demonstrated by you } >not being able to walk down the street without stepping on one) and } >stays there for more than a reasonable limit of time (the Chia time } >plateau (CTP)generally is specified to be 2 days), it will be } >necessary to call the Chia task force (CTF) to the Chia population } >center (CPC). The CTF will rush ASAP to the CPC to lower the CPD for } >a period longer than the CTP. Once this is accomplished, the Chia } >ecology (CE) will return to a safe level (the Chia safety plateau } >(CSP)). If the CTF is erradicated in the process of lowering the CPD, } >and the CPD does not get below the CSP before another iteration of the } >CTP, it is time for a Chia caused evacuation (CCE). If this drastic } >measure is called for, everyone must strip completely nude and not } >carry any luggage upon exiting the city (Chias can hide in the } >damndest places). Then 50 ICBMs must be targeted towards the city and } >launched. This should eradicate the problem. But Chias have } >survived millions of years (even older that cocroaches) and are even } >sturdier than the cocroaches. We can only hope that they are not yet } >resistant to nuclear power. } } So as you can see, there is nothing to worry about. } } Probably.