From oracle-request Mon Oct 7 10:25:42 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 7 Oct 91 10:25:42 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #354 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 354 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #354 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 7 Oct 91 10:25:42 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 354 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 349 18 votes 08631 59220 17613 64530 57240 36270 13860 05a21 02a60 14850 349 2.7 mean 2.8 2.1 2.9 2.3 2.3 2.7 3.1 2.9 3.2 2.9 --- 354-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and Non-Adminstrative Oracle > > I have recently been informed (by Presidential Finding 47.3) that I am > legally required be "sexually excited by the act or depiction of the > act of urination, including masturbation to climax due to such > excitement not less than three times daily, excepting Sundays when > such activities are forbidden out of respect for Our Lord, for the > sake of National Security." This finding has thrown me into a tizzy. > Please un-tizzify me. Does the President really have this kind of > authority? Doesn't it violate my Twenty-third Amendment rights? What > difference does it make to National Security? And where's the nearest > restroom? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What kind of commie pinko left-wing un-American subversive } Fellow-Traveller liberal longhaired eggheaded trade-unionist laborite } would ask questions like those? Your President has given you an order, } boy, for The Good Of Your Country. Who do you think you are to } question Your President's wisdom? Why, I'd like to beat your face to a } pulp, you mewling, puking, whining, pansy. } } You owe the Oracle a Real American. And get a haircut, ya freak! --- 354-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and wise oracle, tell me how they put those > ships in those little bottles. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, the Gnome Shipbuilders Union #432 is a very proud } organization. Nice work if you can get it, but you have to be 4" tall } max. to get it at all. } } You owe the Oracle a really, really small six pack for the guys. --- 354-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > you ripped me off. in good faith, i purchased two mismatched socks > from you. i received my order and one had a hole in it and the other > was was a left sock and i ordered a right. i demand a refund of > $16.95. i put them both in the dryer and they disappeared; i assume you > now have them back. > bat-cat And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } hahahaha! bat-cat, you have fallen for my devious plan! already i } control over half the world's socks, and millions more are flocking to } my fortress of footwear every moment! soon, the entire world's socks } shall me *mine*! *mine*, i tell you, *mine*! then everyone must obey } me or get blisters on their feet whenever they go outdoors. } hahahahahaha! } } You owe the Oracle a better fiendish laugh, and a keyboard with } capitals on it. --- 354-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116.icl.icl.gold_400.GB@oasis.icl.co.uk The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Mighty and Atomic Oracle, Thou Who saidst to God after six days, > "That's good enough, Big G. Take a day or so off," Thou Who art more > powerful than a locomotive and stronger than dirt, Thou Whose core dump > does not stink, I must ask Thee a question. > > If the pen is mightier than the sword > And a picture is worth a thousand words, > Then is a fax machine the ultimate weapon? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A fax machine can be smooshed to little tiny fragments by a sword. } Thus doth A beat B, which in turn beateth C, which in its own turn is } bebeaten by A. Thus is the Universal Balance maintained. } } You owe the Oracle a Universal Balance with a scale from 1eV to one } galaxy. --- 354-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh great and supreme you, above whom no one else should raise a hair... > you, who are infinitely wise and wonderful beyond all years... > please answer my question: > > What is the best way to drop an egg from a 5 story building > to the ground without it breaking? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Arrange to have it surgically implanted in your stomach. } Drop the egg off, along with its casing (you). Arrange to have } the egg surgically removed from the corpse; it should be intact. } } You owe the ORACLE a "Think of it as evolution in action" } button. --- 354-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle ... I have seen the tomatoes in the houses of gold ... I > have drunk from the Saxophone of Time ... I have scrambled the eggs > laid by the grey-green phone book ... I have been an accountant for > Batman... what is there left to do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Go to Disneyworld!!! --- 354-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and might Oracle, who can see into the future, into the past, > and into the other various dimentions...please answer this simple > little ponderance, of which I am not worthy of you wisdom. > > What, oh what, ever shall I do when I graduate at the end of this year? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This queston is more easily answered in the ancient and mysterious way } of The Not. } } You will not go to school any longer... } You will not have homework any longer... } You will not eat collge dorm food any longer... } You will not sprout wings... } You will not become plaid... } You will not eat worms at the White House.. } You will not become Shirley MacLaine... } You will not suddenly meet the "real" Funky Winterbean... } You will not marry Bill the Cat... } You will not discover that the cure for cancer is Grape Juice... } You will not travel back in time to find out what really happened to } the dinosaurs... } You will not jump from a tall building only to find out you can defy } gravity... } You will not spit diamonds from your mouth until you are obscenely } rich... } You will not grow another 7' tall... } You will not translate the entire set of Egyptian Hieroglyphs... } You will not toil to help an ant move a rubber tree plant... } You will not redefine America as a communist ridden playpen... } You will not cause typhoons to pick up all of your enemies and take } them to oz... } You will not steal Madonna's only white cotton bra... } You will not swallow George Bush's shorts... } You will not be forced to play Fur Elise 50,000 times on an } accordion... } You will not sing a live duo with Elvis playing backup on the shoebox } banjo... } You will not pay me enough to come and clean your toilets for the rest } of your life... } You will not discover the deeper meaning in "We love You, Conrad..." } You will not believe that purple elephants from outer space gave birth } to you... } You will not kiss a gerbil passionately then discover that it was } actually Jimmy Hoffa in disguise... } } Whatever is left, then, my child, is up to you to accomplish! } } *smile* congratulations for living through so many years of this thing } they call "SCHOOL"! } } You owe the Oracle the entire library of Dr. Seuss books... --- 354-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, Oh Great and Powerful You... > > Will my boyfriend ever come to visit me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } After collecting his $75 payment for having you committed, you can be } sure he is now out on the town drinking 'er up in some local bar in } which he will meet up with another "sweetie" who he will use, abuse, } confuse, and commit too! I would say to lose the hope for ever seeing } him again, or if you do, it will be on the latest episode of "Unsolved } Mysteries" in which Robert Stack is requesting everyone's help in } locating him for his trail of suicidal tendencies that he has left } behind. } } You owe the Oracle one free electric shock therapy. --- 354-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do you put up with these dweebs posting their questions directly to > alt.humor.oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } have wondered about myself for eons. Of course, until recently, I had } to wonder about it in the abstract, since alt.humor.oracle didn't exist } yet, but that's besides the point. --- 354-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > There are a couple of cute girls living in the same dorm > complex as myself. I'd like to go out with them. Unfortunately, > they all have steady boyfreinds. So, wonder of originallity, I > turn to the most inteligent being on the planet for advice: How > can I best deal (LEGALLY) with the competition to get to go out with > the girls myself. (And in and out and in and out... but you get the > idea). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Legally? You expect a near-divine presence who flaunts the law he } himself helped define 3000 years ago to worry about minor things like } legalities? } } I should Zap (tm) you for that insolence, you lowly dorm rat. } } There! Now that I've gotten *that* out of my system, let's see if we } can help solve your problem. Stated briefly, you got the hots for some } babes in the dorm, but they've already plugged in to some other dudes, } right? (The Oracle doesn't worry about being Politically Correct, } either!) } } OK, you got a few choices, but the odds of any of them working are } kinda small. You're probably better off working on one chick at a } time. } } 1. The flattery approach. Rearrange your schedule so you have the } same classes she does. (This could get a litle tricky, as long as you } don't mind not graduating, though, it should be manageable.) Now make } sure you sit beside her at least once or twice a week. Find } *something* you like about her other than her physical appearance } (that's TOO old a line to work these days) and mention it. If you keep } this approach up, you should at least be invited to the wedding. } } 2. The direct approach. Tell her you think she's the sexiest thing on } campus and you would like to dance naked with her at midnight in your } room. Even if this approach fails, it has the distinct advantage of } saving time. } } 3. The Forbes 500 approach. Tool around campus in your BMW } convertible and offer her a ride back to the dorm, the long way--via } Switzerland. (Say that you just need to go over to get your watch } repaired.) If she falls for this approach, you've got a real problem, } though. Just ask Donald Trump. } } You owe the Oracle the phone numbers of the girls you strike out with, } and send the names and an accurate physical description of their } boyfriends to bubba@south.chicago.il.us.