From oracle-request Tue May 26 09:59:55 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 26 May 92 09:59:55 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #447 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 447 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #447 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Tue, 26 May 92 09:59:55 -0500 @@@ For those of you who have received multiple copies of the Digests, @@@ and you know who you are, be happy that the mailer problems at iuvax @@@ may be fixed in an upcoming revision of sendmail. Right now, if @@@ iuvax gets rebooted while it is sending out a digest, it starts over @@@ from the top of the list... :( @@@ Good luck and have a pleasant tomorrow! --JRP To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 447 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 447-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O, gret Oricle whoos exestins iz knot surpast evin bye thuh > gret tast uv Cheez Wiz... > > I m uh reel bed speler. Wut kan I doo two improov mye speling? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm... This is a strange language, and I must decipher it before I } answer. } } % /usr/bin/tr -jibe -mail } O, gritty orifice [hey!] swooshy exciter, IQ knot [you said it] } surface-veined by a thug; egret-flavored tasty, chewy TV wigs... } I am a real bad spleen. [If I] gut Kant, I doom two improved dye } spewers? } [End of File] } % } } I want to know why you are so keen on chewy, bird-flavored wigs. Must } be a liberal arts major. } } I don't take kindly to personal insults, especially on my oracular } person, (Swooshy exciter??), but I'll answer your question anyway. } } If you start gutting great philosophers, you will indeed doom the two } particular improved dye spewers assigned to you. Since you are a real } bad spleen, I think you would enjoy that, so go ahead. } } You owe the oracle a chewy TV wig. --- 447-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Now Nancy keeps making me poot myself while she watches and drobble up > my pants and poot myself while she watches and lurvy her nobbles and > poot myself and rest the marinate and poot myself while she and Billy > watch and norf them both and poot myself and I'm sick of it help me > please And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Ronald, } } I think it's very clear from the level of English that we can } easily identify you. What worries me is that you wish to inflict your } appalling grasp of the English language on us: I'm afraid that } right-wing cut backs in education just haven't had the effect you hoped } for: despite (or even bacause of) the attack on the ivory towers of } academe, we are still - collectively and individually - able to } communicate and indeed ruminate (in a strictly metaphorical sense) } effectively. It might be easier for you to try to catch up with the } rest of us. Then again, a camel might find it easier to pass wind } through the eye of the needle. } } To your problem, however - the one concerning the old girl and the } dubious "Billy", offspring of your one time intellectual equal the late } Bonzo. We basically have here an anal retentive, obsessed with senile } toilet-training, who identifies with Charles Pooter [eponymous hero of } "Dairy of a Nobody"]. Listen schmuck, when will you realise that all } along, the rest of the populace have been quietly chortling up their } collective sleeves at your pooting antics, and all that has now } happened is that Nancy has started doing it, and worse still, you have } finally realised the fact. The most worrying fact is that you seem to } be involving the marines and still, it sadly appears, Ollie North. } (Will you ever learn to spell his name?) I suggest that you change } your cologne, and maybe they won't follow you home. Unless that is } what you want.# } } You owe The Oracle one ex-Soviet President. --- 447-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What should I ask in order to appear intelligent at this afternoon's > research presentation? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a difficult question, for it is next to impossible for you to } accomplish. } } You could, perhaps, tell the speaker that his toupee is on backwards. } You could ask him why such an excellent speaker has been passed up for } promotion for the last sixteen years. } You could even ask him if he has nude pictures of his wife. When he } responds in the negative, ask him if he wants some. } } In my mighty Oracular wisdom, however, the best thing to do to appear } intelligent is not to ask a question, but to find a groups of idiots } and stand next to them. } } You owe the Oracle a new camera. --- 447-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Scene: A baptism somewhere in Indiana. The preacher is standing at the > open grave, nearby lying is already the gravestone, marked > "The Usenet Oracle - 1.000.000.000.007 b. c. - 1992". > > Preacher: And so we wave a last goodbye to our old comrade, the Usenet > Oracle, who died last week of tiresome grovelings. And we > hope that his friend, The Supplicant, who is among us today, > will take The Oracle's place and continue the good and > merciful works of The Oracle. > Ashes to ashes ... > (Lisa - supported by The Supplicant in a dark suit, a brightly-coloured > tie and sandals - approaches the open grave and throws a bucket of > beautful flowers into it.) > Lisa (sobbing and crying): Go - Go - Good-bye, Or - Orrie! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Well, now, I wouldn't say that part just yet, Father. There are a few } things wrong with this picture. First of all, since when has the } Church ever held a baptism over an open grave? Second of all, the } Oracle is immortal. Why hold a funeral at all? Third, have you } noticed that the supplicant bears a striking resemblence to...Piers } Anthony? } } } } Sorry, Anthony, but the Oracle isn't an office! I can't be replaced, } you idiot! Even SATAN can't make that claim! (Well, he could, but } he'd be lying. That's his job, anyway.) So here's your choice, } Anthony...you owe me a decent story for every piece of tripe you've } written this past twenty years, or you get the almighty ZOT! Choose! } } PA: Well... } } O: Time's up! } } Lisa: Oh, Orrie! I was just getting into this necrophilia thing.... } } O: Whoa! So, let's pretend that....... --- 447-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great wise and wondrous Oracle, can you in your infinite > wisdom bestow the boon of a tiny answer on your humble supplicant... > > Why do all the weenies get promoted and the ones who are capable end > up as workers for the rest of their unnatural lives?????? > > [signature deleted by the Oracle, sorry. :) ] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, yet another supplicant who forgets to remove his .signature before } posting to the Great Usenet Oracle. Fear not however, as I will keep } your query secret from your weenie manager. } } In all seriousness, the weenies get promoted because they pose less of } a threat to those in power. Put yourself in the manager's shoes, would } you want to promote someone to a position of responsibility if they } would likely be challenging the correctness of your decisions all the } time? Especially if there was a chance they would be right? } } The key to rapid promotion is to fail miserably on the technical side } of things, and get others in your department to clear up your messes. } This is known in management circles as being a good "team worker". Of } course, you must also supplement this by driving the same car as him so } you will have lots in common to talk about when you bump into him at } the coffee machine. } } You owe the Oracle an Organizational Structure Chart. --- 447-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Great Oracle, who vomits like Niagra Falls, who can create > a rock so heavy he cannot lift it but finds that concept so dumb > that he never would, who walks on water and swims in land, and > who told Prince to put that "knee-licking" bit on the Black album, > I beeseech thee: > > OK, I live in South Dakota. Our first snows of the year happened > on Halloween. It was a real nasty one, too, with all the boulevards > stacked with 5 foot piles of snow once the blades went through, > scraping streets. > > Winter was OK. Not great, but fairly warm. It *DEFINATELY* did not > live up to the promise of the October Shitstorm. Actually, so far > we've had some babe-in-shorts days since this semester started. > It was those long cut-off and rolled-up jeans look, but with decent > legs, those are enough. > > I was expecting to see some more during Spring Fling, our annual > spring baccinalia, with bikinis, alcohol in squeeze bottles, live > music and sunshine, but hence comes the rub: Right now there is > x number of inches of snow/sleet/ice/frozen precipitation out there > and it has not stopped. Spring Fling is on thursday. Chances are, > no babes, no tanning, no bikinis. Sweaters, flannel, and bulky > coats are more like it. Definately indoors in the Intermural Building, > on a basketball court with an ugly blue mat. Controlled entry so > no alcohol. Basically, my day is ruined beforehand. > > OK, here's your part: I figure the gods are angry. Maybe drunk. > Definately wanting to screw up my life. I can't think of anything > I've done to piss off any one god recently, but gods, being immortal > can both wait infinetely for revenge and look ahead to get revenge > for transgressions that have not occured. I dunno. I figure an > Integrated Diety Management approach would work best under this > situation. > > I figure the Roman/Greek Gods are the first ones to hit. They > had temples that had spare spots for Gods-To-Be-Named-Later (Free > Agents, y'know), so their roster is fluid enough to get effect > outside Olympus. > > Seeing there are few (but some) Greeks and Italians and many, MANY > Scandanavians out here, the Norse gods are next. I've not actually > killed anyone and I don't have the obligatory dumb hat with the > horns, but I figure I can improvise. This is under Thor's department > though, and knowing Thor, anything involving beautiful women and > alcohol would have his blessing. > > I cannot see any of the Lakota dieties minding. Iktomi, the trickster, > might have done it, but traditionally it hasn't been his style to > fuck with weather, but with the Greenhouse Effect and the Ozone, he > might be branching out. > > This leaves Jahovah, Allah, or just plain God (the origin is the same > for all of them, but the worshippers all think He's theirs alone. Ha) > He's jealous, though, and working with the above named pantheons might > jinx him against me. I might end up having to hack people up in > Valhalla and STILL cold, sober and without a view for Spring Fling. > > So, Oracle, please assist me with this Integrated Diety Management > program. I beg you. > > Dave, your humble supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ho boy, Dave, have you got it wrong! You don't need to pray to any of } the above mentioned deities, because I'm the top of the heap! I'm } number one! I'm the King of the Babes! Ha! Ha! Ha! } } Lisa: Orrie! } } O: Yes Lisa? } } L: Go to your room. } } O: Awwww... } } L: Now! } } O: Yes Lisa. } } L: Dear Dave, } Lisa here. Look, give up on the babes. I've interceded on their } behalf and caused all that snow. That Yahweh guy has really screwed up } the planet with that AIDS thing. He was trying to relive the glory } days of the Old Testament where he sent down plagues every five minutes } and wiped out all the bad guys. Thing is, he got a little confused } this time and is trying to wipe out everybody. Anyhow, since AIDS is } almost impossible to catch through lesbian sex, all those "babes", as } you called them, have converted to lesbianism (and are enjoying it } too!). They recently sent me a letter asking me to intercede on their } behalf this Spring Fling because they didn't want to deal with } drooling, testosterone filled men. So I made it snow. You know how } sexy flannel is to dykes. They've been having secret orgies in the } weight room on women's days that make sex with you look as exciting as } a root canal. So anyhow, Dave, time to brush up on your masturbation } techniques, because there are plenty of women out there just a waiting } to convert! And they all have my blessings. } } O: Lisa! I'm thirsty. Can I come out of my room? Pleeeeeease?!?!? } } L: Hmmm...I wonder what Rhiannon is doing tonight... } } You owe Lisa a nice flannel shirt. --- 447-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 0.0 0.0 0.0 0.0 0.0 3.0 2.0 5.0 8.0 9.0 > 21.0 18.0 34.0 41.0 64.0 90.0 173.0 233.0 358.0 414.0 > 611.0 752.0 958.0 1076.0 1171.0 1299.0 1453.0 1527.0 1520.0 1531.0 > 1536.0 1473.0 1443.0 1325.0 1287.0 1131.0 1115.0 1022.0 942.0 870.0 > 1131.0 1115.0 1022.0 942.0 870.0 797.0 720.0 671.0 617.0 556.0 > 491.0 434.0 397.0 387.0 325.0 310.0 283.0 282.0 254.0 200.0 > 238.0 197.0 188.0 172.0 142.0 135.0 133.0 143.0 114.0 107.0 > 58.0 80.0 61.0 63.0 64.0 55.0 49.0 49.0 41.0 43.0 > 41.0 40.0 38.0 29.0 38.0 30.0 28.0 26.0 33.0 37.0 > 33.0 22.0 31.0 28.0 15.0 23.0 19.0 22.0 23.0 27.0 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sometimes supplicants get paranoid and code their entreaties. Back in } the 1970s, I got this gem from a certain petitioner using the moniker } scroll-n--key.decnet!alums!woodward@yale-arpa: } } Jung fubhyq V gryy Oreafgrva nobhg Qrrc Guebng? Ab bar jvyy oryvrir } gung vg'f ernyyl Ntarj. } } To which I replied: } } Lbhe dhrfgvba unf orra sbejneqrq gb PEC urnqdhnegref. Lbh bjr gur } Benpyr n cvpgher bs Eboreg Erqsbeq. } } Then, in 1986, I got this question from casey@hq.nsc.mil: } } begin 600 question_nogrovel } M2G5N9R!F=6)H>7$@5B!Q8B!J=7)A($=B:G)E(&YF>&8@>G(@;F]B:&<@9W5R } M('IR9F8@:G9G=2!G=7(@<&)A9V5N9B!N87$@9W5R"FYE>F8@;F%Q(%9E;F$_ } M("!2:7)A9VAN>7EL(')IB!G=7(@1G)A;F=R } M(&IV>7D@8VAG(&=J8B!N87$*9VIB(&=B=')G=7)E+B @57(@>G9T=6<@B!J=6YG(%8@=7)N92P@;&)H92!F:&-R979B } M968@8WEN82!G8B!R869H97(@9W5N9R!L8F@@:F)A)V<*=6YI"!L8F@@9&AR9F=V8F%F(&)A>6P*8FER92!L8FAE('%R;G$@;V)Q;"X@($]B } M;R!*8F)Q:FYE<2!S96)Z(&=U7D@;W(@8F%R(&=U7(@9V(@9&AB9W(@;&)H('9A(&=U<@IC;F-R968N(" @ } M( H*3VP@9W5R(&IN;"P@<6(@16)A(&YA<2!!;F%P;"!A6)T=G!N>2!P=6YE9V8@<6)A Oh great and wonderous Oracle, whom has the > knowlege of no mere mortal, please tell me: > If you can pick your friends, and you can pick your > nose,...then WHY can't you pick your friends nose? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O, duly respectful and humble supplicant, } } The social stigmas that have grown around choosing friends and nose } picking have grown of biological need. Since you obviously understand } that picking friends is very important, and you also enjoy nose } picking, it is very important that I give you the facts surrounding the } picking of the nose. Your own nose, you see, contains gremlins. These } gremlins are there to prevent intruders. This is why the first couple } of times you pick your nose it hurts; the gremlins bash anything they } don't recognize to try to discourage marauding nose pickers. Most } people don't remember this, though, because they are usually very young } when they start. Then, after a few times, the gremlins know your } fingers like the backs of their hands and leave them alone. If a new } friend, however, sends a digit flying up into your orifice, they bash } the finger with renewed fervor, since they've been bored so long. This } also happens when you do the same to your friend, because his gremlins } hate your ugly finger as much as yours hate his. There is an upside, } though... if you practice, eventually the gremlins think your friend's } finger is yours and vice versa. If you want to be in it for the long } haul, you can even get a group together, all of whom are acclimated to } each others' fingers and noses. } } By the way... if you offer the gremlins a little goose liver pate, } usually they will forget a finger is there and leave it alone. If you } offer enough goose liver pate, they might just come out and say "hi." } } You owe the Oracle a finger and an extra portion of pate. --- 447-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Which is better, Coke or Pepsi? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Stick with Pepsi; they don't nab your car if they catch you with a trunk } full of it. } } You owe the Oracle some SERIOUS groveling and a case of Mountain Dew. --- 447-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dcharlet@rpslmc.edu (dale charletta) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ye Gods, I'm bored. > > Oracle, do your worst! > Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Ye Gods, I've been bored!