From oracle-request Wed Aug 24 07:19:39 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA10206; Wed, 24 Aug 1994 07:19:39 -0500 Date: Wed, 24 Aug 1994 07:19:39 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #673 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 673 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #673 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 24 Aug 1994 07:19:39 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 673 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 668 71 votes 3mqf5 6cfmg 8cmhc dcki8 6iof8 6loi2 ahv85 3agoi athe1 3eucc 668 3.0 mean 3.0 3.4 3.2 2.9 3.0 2.8 2.7 3.6 2.5 3.2 --- 673-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, whose reproductive organ is so massive that the rest > of the Universe orbits it, tell me: > > Could you make pigs sprout wings and fly on Friday? I need it to > get a date. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, I don't do that kind of stuff. I can point you to someone who } does, though I must warn you, His rates are somewhat steep. } } I'd give you His office number, but I've only got the old one. } These days, He can be reached via ID Software. } } You don't owe the Oracle anything, I get a percentage for referrals. --- 673-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and wonderful Oracle, before whom my long distance plan is > not confusing, please answer my following question: > > I am a faithful (well, semi-faithful) employee of AT&T. In the > past three months that I have worked as a technical consultant for > AT&T, I have noticed something distressing: the logo of AT&T bears a > striking resemblance to a certain Death Star. Jerre Stead (my boss's > boss's boss) keeps extoling the virtues of our "Common Bond" which > sounds suspiciously like the manifesto of the Dark Side. > What should I do? > > Sincerely, > Michael in "Common Bond"age And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have stumbled upon a dreadful secret that was first exposed in the } late 80's by Milo Bloom and his pet penguin Opus. They were about to } go public with their discovery when they had a late night visit from a } man known simply as DaVader. The next day they recanted all previous } statements. What they discovered was this: } } 1. AT&T actually stands for Association of Totalitarian Technocrats. } 2. The AT&T "logo" is, in fact, an encrypted blueprint of the Death } Star, which is easily readable by any Empire technician with the } "THX-1138 Sly Movie In-Joke Reference Viewer". Access to these viewers } is strictly controlled. Anyone caught with an unauthorized unit is } forced to watch those Candice Bergen Sprint commercials for twenty } hours. This is a fate which has been proven to reduce Grand Admirals } to blithering madmen. } 3. AT&T operators are actually responsible for the destruction of } both Death Stars. Despite the assertion by Princess Leia that she } "placed information vital to the Rebel Alliance" into R2-D2, the fact } is that R2 came across this information when he plugged into the } Galactic phone system and attempted to dial 1-900-SEXY-BOT. His call } was misrouted by a confused operator to the Empire Galactic Domination } Help Line "Press 71 for a list of Rebel spies, Press 72 for Complete } plans to Empire's new weapon of terror." R2, thinking he was supposed } to enter his name, simply pressed R (7) and 2. The rest is history. } 4. The "Bothan spies" that were supposed to have died valiantly } getting the second Death Star information did no such thing. The worst } that happened was one of them broke a claw dialing information to get } Help Line number. } } You may ask why the Empire didn't get an unlisted number. Hey, they } were silly enough to build a second one after it was obvious the first } one was a no-go, so you can't actually expect them to do anything as } difficult as calling the phone company. } } The Oracle suggests that you immediately leave your position with the } Empire and dedicate your life to destroying all the "logo" encrusted } billboards in the Galaxy. --- 673-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Okay, I'm older now. I can take the truth. What's the real reason they > canned Lost in Space? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They canned Lost in Space simply because it lengthened the shelf life } and made it more profitable for retailers. To get fresh Lost in Space } today, you have to go directly to the producer. --- 673-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Pitr Dubovich The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > who are you And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Top Ten Evasive Answers to the Supplicant's question: } } 10. I am the grammar police. Where's your question mark? } 9. I am the style police. Where's your grovel? *Zot* } 8. I am Elvis. *SHHHHH* Don't tell anyone. } 7. I am that I am. [ *ZOT* "Hey, sorry YHVH! That was your line!" ] } 6. If you are the IRS, then I am Juan Pedro Martinez Lopez Gutierrez, } I do not have a job, and am Illegal. Deport me, quickly. } 5. If you are the INS, then I am Billy Joe Smith, from the Kentucky } Smith's... } 4. I am exercising my 5th Amendment rights, and will decline to answer. } 3. I am O.J. Simpson of Borg. You will watch TV Coverage. Resistance } is futile. Taste is irrelavant. } 2. I am Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley's Love Child. } 1. I am this really cool AI project in Indiana. You thought this was } written by a real person, didn't you? --- 673-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: csf The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh your Oracleness, please grant me the boon of answering this > question. Why do dogs turn around 3 times before they lie down? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your telepathic Oracle observes and reports: } } Shall I lie down here? I'd best look over there to see if } any cats with sharpened claws reserved that spot and then } look that way too, to see if any humans are about to put } their feet down there, and also look the other way to see } if there's a mailman there for me to bite. } } Shall I lie down here? I forget if I already looked to see } if any humans are about to put their feet down there, and } then look that way too, to see if there's a mailman there } for me to bite, and also look the other way to see if any } cats with sharpened claws reserved that spot. } } Wasn't I just here? I'd better look that way to see if } there's a mailman there for me to bite, and also look the } other way to see if any cats with sharpened claws reserved } that spot, and then look that way too, to see if any humans } are about to put their feet down there. } } I'm getting dizzy! *Phlump!* } } You owe your telepathic Oracle a question about Stephen Wright's } inner thoughts. --- 673-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yo, Orrie! Listen, me, Pan, Apollo, and some of the other guys are > gonna start a card game. You want I should deal you in? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure! The oracle LOVES poker. Let's see - on the first hand, Pan } will draw to an inside straight, come up empty, and have to fold. } Apollo will try to bluff it out with a pair of ducks, and I'll rake in } a pot worth $82.50. Guys! Where is everybody going? What about the } game? --- 673-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Greetings wise Oracle! > > I just saw the Lion King. It reminded me of a cute Hamlet with a happy > ending, with a bit of Pink Floyd the Wall thrown in for good measure. > My question is, would Arnold S(orry I can't spell that last name. Don't > tell him, he'll shoot me!) have made this flick more interesting? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Arnold Schwartzenegger (the Oracle _can_ spell) has the magical power } to make _almost_ any movie a blockbuster. (There are some notable } exceptions, "Hercules in New York" and "Last Action Hero" come to } mind...) How Arnie would have punched up "The Lion King:" } } Scene: The desert. Simba, dazed by the heat and lack of water, is near } death. Suddenly, a Humvee pulls up. Arnie steps out, flanked by } Pumbaa and Timon. } } Arnie: "Nice Kitty" } } Timon: "Hakuna Matata! Hey, that means no worries, kid, you've just } been found by the greatest white hunter there ever was!" } } Pumbaa: "That's right, Timon! Arnie's one baaad dude, that's for } sure!" } } Arnie puts Simba in the 'Vee and drives off. Back in his jungle } compound, Timon and Pumbaa teach Simba about the joy of living with a } guy who not only is the top of the food chain, "he owns it!" } } Arnie and Simba (flanked by Timon and Pumbaa) move through the jungle. } As Arnie performs his daily exercises and workout that keeps him in } such superb muscle tone, he teaches Simba to be brave and strong. } } When Nala crashes their happy bachelor pad with the news that Lord Scar } and the hyenas have overun the homeland, Arnie says "Vell vhat are ve } vaitink for?" and breaks into his arsenal. } } As they come in sight of Pride Rock, Arnie yells "Let's kick ass!" and } starts firing a machine gun, as Timon manages the ammo roll. Pumbaa } fetches grenades for Arnie, while Simba confronts Lord Scar for the } final showdown. } } The really crazy hyena picks up a grenade and runs back to the other } two. The Whoopi Goldberg hyena (the smart one) smells trouble and gets } away before her other two friends get blown to bits. She turns to the } humvee and sticks out her tongue at Arnie, who gutshoots her. As she } lays dying she says, "Well ain't death a bitch!" } } Meanwhile the rest of the hyenas are either dead or run off, and Simba } is rolling around on the Rock with Scar. As Simba turns away, and Scar } prepares to blindside him, Arnie shows up and shoots Scar, the force of } the bullets sending his body twisting and flailing over the cliff. } } Cut to the "Happily Ever After": Simba and Nala are perched on Pride } Rock looking over their domain. In the distance, one sees a track of } land rovers coming through a gate which reads: "Arnie's Wild Africa." } } On second thought, maybe adding Arnold _wasn't_ such a good idea .... } } Hakuna Matata, O Supplicant! } } You owe the Oracle a Humvee and Lifetime Membership at Gold's Gym. --- 673-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Should I have gone to the conference? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nahhh. Aside from the belly-dancers, the chimpanzees swinging from the } hotel chandeliers, a drunken Dr. Morton Rothschild mooning the SWAT } team, the 5.2 earthquake at 2 am, the all-night spin-the-bottle games } in room 1527, the foodfight during the Closing Ceremony Banquet, Dr. } Renee Bouvier's not-so-secret-anymore nude sketches, the Running of the } Bulls in the Poster Session, bungee jumping from the hotel Promenade, } and the unfortunate escape of Dr. Weinstein's exotic cockroach } collection, you really didn't miss much. } } You owe the Oracle a published paper on the merits of hedonism. --- 673-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Goo, gah gah? Owwaah wah mamamamama goooo bah. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh Great and powerful goooo bah, how wonderful it is to converse in our } native language again. Not since leaving our home planet have I heard } the plaintive cry of mamamamama. } } To answer your question, the invasion plans are preceeding well. These } inferior beings already refer to us as "The Oracle," and ask us all } sorts of strange and stupid questions. In time, our answers will have } shaped their thought patterns to the point that they will accept our } bidding with little or no reluctance. You can already see our } influence in the language of their very small children. Unfortunately, } this influence is blocked by their primitive teachings, but not much } longer. Soon the adults will be unable to speak in their own language. } Already, the lawyers are starting to respond, can the medical profession } and professional academia be far behind? } } Once we are in control, we can mate with their females and create a } race of beings deserving of this planet. } } Until then, } May the moons of babalblabla shine on you, and the grace of pblbabvuba } ga peepee be with you always. } } ------------------- } You owe the Oracle a case of Gerber's Apple Sauce. --- 673-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is rain made of water And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because if it were made of, say, anvils, insurance rates would } skyrocket. } } You owe the Oracle a titanium umbrella.