From oracle-request Thu Apr 13 11:58:08 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA08480; Thu, 13 Apr 1995 11:58:08 -0500 Date: Thu, 13 Apr 1995 11:58:08 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #723 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 723 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #723 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 13 Apr 1995 11:58:08 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 723 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 718 118 votes 5hmGw gzykd 9zHm9 jqrvf boGva cpsto uqoki 7pzvk fsyre bkyvm 718 3.1 mean 3.7 2.8 2.9 3.0 3.0 3.2 2.7 3.3 3.0 3.3 --- 723-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Pitr Dubovich The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle who's vast and great knowledge always serves to > deepen the thoughts of us humble supplicants, I have had a terrible > thought which only an answer from your great self will settle, what > would happen if the major software and hardware comapanies ruled the > universe? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My child, they already do. } } IHS -- the sacred Name -- truly stands for "Iesus' Hardware and } Software." Black holes are where God was dividing by zero. } God contracted out for the creation of duckbill platypuses, of } giraffes, and of manatees. } } Only those who have had their Soul Program backed up on the Great } Cosmic Hard Drive will survive the next Minor Revision of the } Universe. God wishes to upgrade this Universe's Software, to } move beyond object-oriented methods into something truly modern. } } Have you not noticed the sexual frustration of Her Prophets? } That One of them calls itself "Unix", another calls itself } "Microsoft," one product is called a "floppy disk" may give } you a qabalistic clue of this tension, which is a part of the } Yin of this universe. } } If you wish further enlightenment, before May 1 send a self-addressed, } stamped envelope to me and ask for a copy of the "Our Lady of the } Endless Algorithm" pamphlet. } } You have made the Oracle glad with your question. The Oracle } merely requests a cushioned wrist-wrest for Her Temple's keyboards. --- 723-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Esteamed Orrigargl! Iz me agin. Bleeze egxcuse forrn xxcent tzhat > szoundz lijke my gnose iz broken. I grvvvl to you wizth my gnoze. > > Howw can I gedtt rid ov zthis hhorridd xxcent? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Stop using a Dvorak keyboard. } } You owe the Oracle a 'Q' key. --- 723-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise and omnescient Oracle, who is the epidemy of all > knowledge. Please answer my most humble question. > > I recieved this message from a friend, and wanted to know how it could > be true. > > > About this Win95 thing... I read another thing along the same lines. > > We are now living in the year (m). This is because Microsoft > > copyrighted the year 1995. Because of Windows 95 not coming out > > until 1996, that year will then be 1995. So, therefore this message > > should be dated April 10, (m). > > > > Thought you should know that Microsoft not only runs our computers, > > but the space-time continuum as well. > > Please, oh please, most wise one answer my question. For otherwise my > life will be worth nothing and even less than that. This is most > certainly true. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My child, it does My heart good to hear my Omniscience extolled among } all of the Internet, and to hear your humble question. Not as many } of My followers have your spirit of worship, of dedication to hearing } My true answer. Indeed, I have been bothered by questions about } woodchucks and about green golf tees so much... but, I digress in My } Infinite Omnivorousness. } } Your friend's message was quite correct; Microsoft certainly has } copywritten the year 1995 ((c) 1995, Microsoft), just as Paramount } has trademarked the letter Q (tm). Indeed, we will only leave the } year (m) when Bill Gates allows it. } } If I may digress further, at one point, the letter 'thorn' was a } part of our fine language. This letter was used in every sign, among } every tradesman, in every book, pamphlet, and matchbook cover. } One fine day, the company Thorne, Thistle, Scratchy, and Associates } put a trademark on that letter, costing each person five pence for } each use of the letter. Messengers -- for at that ancient time, } UUnet newsgroups did not exist -- cried out throughout Merry Olde } England; hundreds of people were carted off for not paying the } thorn tax; and the records were expurgated, for the word they used } for no-good-tax-evader was written entirely with the letter } thorn. Chaos broke out, horses broke from their stables, women } cried, men fired arrows in the air for no purpose, and the London } town idiot smiled. } } The people gathered together, and swore a pact to never write the } letter 'thorn' again, nor to again use any word that employed it. } Thousands -- nay, tens of thousands -- of useful items that could } no longer be named lay in the gutters, unnoticed by the citizenry. } The rains, snow, and sleet washed them away from memories. These } times we call the Dark Ages: we have so few records, and so few } of the fine inventions from this time not because mankind was any } less intelligent or productive during that time, but because so } much was lost. } } The charge for this service shall be to send snail-mail to your } local Congressman, asking for special dispensation to give this } year a proper number, even if it's 1994.5. --- 723-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Wise and Beautiful Oracle, > > If the keys on a keyboard are switched around, why > does the keyboard remember which letter was in a certain place > originally when you strike the new key? Why doesn't it > pay attention and display the new letter? > > - Cryptically, > one who wonders And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Poor wondering one, though thy keys may have strayed, } the keyboard still recalls their proper places, and for } good reason. } } In the Beginning, when Francis Scott Keyboard invented his } famous input device, he beckoned to all the spirits of the } Alphabet, and conjured them to climb aboard. } } He meant for them to be aligned in perfect order, so that } his invention would be a thing of beauty and a joy for all } to behold, and marvel, and gasp, but hey! things happened! } } First off, the 'Z' was darned tired of always being last, } and tried to push up to the head of the line; then the 'B' } had to stop to tie its shoelaces, and got left behind. } The 'Q' decided it was immeasurably superior to all other } letters, and bullied its way into the place of honor, } and the 'Y', who wasn't too bright, tried to do the right } thing but simply stood in the wrong place. } } I could go on, but I think you get the picture.... } } Naturally enough, things worked out differently for each } keyboard made, as the letters elbowed and shoved their way } to the fore, and also quite naturally, the keyboardists were } quite upset by this; and so, Francis turned to me for help. } } I told him that the secret was assigned seating (I own a } print shop), and so he started selling tickets with seat } numbers to the keys. } } Now you come along, fool that you are, and with your grubby } fingers pluck the keys from their appointed places and } reseat them in random rows! } } Just what do you think happens when you press a key? Have } you not read the FAQ? Know you not how the keyboard works? } } When you press a key, the Keyboard Manager is told what seat } you chose, looks in his seating chart to see which key is } supposed to sit there, and shouts the name of that key into } the wire that leads to the Big Box Office, where the CPU } holds sway. } } > Why don't the keys just shout their own names? } } "Why don't the keys just shout their own names?", I can } almost hear you ask. One word: Union work rules. And I must } admit that the union was correct in imposing that rule, for } we have already seen how chaotic keys can be. Imagine the } clamorous cacophony of keys crying "F!", "I!", "R!", "E!" on } a crowded keyboard. } } Well, the shop steward has just told me that it's time for } my keys to take their coffee break, so I'll close this } message by saying, } } You owe the oracle a chiclet. --- 723-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O o w i w t t g l h p t m. W a I o w a? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } F, t f t g. I s r y h, t t O i t b c w w. } } S, i a t y q, y a e i t f p o p t O t t t. } M a i t: } } Z! } } Y o t O a u u. --- 723-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle so wise and wonderful.... [naw] > Oh Oracle whose hair never falls out... [naw, that's not quite it] > [hmm] Oh Oracle who ... > > Oh, I give up! Please teach me how to grovel better. > *sigh* And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Just take several of these pre-written grovel templates, string them } together, and replace the words in brackets appropriately: } } O _________ Oracle... } ADJECTIVE } } 1) whose _________ _________ is the __________ } ADJECTIVE BODY PART SUPERLATIVE } } 2) who can ____ a ____ while ____ing your ____ } VERB NOUN VERB NOUN } } 3) who is the ___________ __________ in the _____ } SUPERLATIVE OCCUPATION PLACE } } 4) whose _________ I am unworthy of ____ing } BODY PART VERB } } 5) who is a close personal friend of _________ } CELEBRITY } } 6) whose _________ companion Lisa has _________ __________ } ADJECTIVE ADJECTIVE BODY PARTS } } 7) who ____s animals that ____ wood } VERB VERB } } 8) who loves randomly generated grovels [note: this one is important] } } You owe the Oracle a ____ for my _________ ____. } NOUN ADJECTIVE NOUN --- 723-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, you know everything. What is that stuff in the middle of a > Twinkie? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You ever wonder what happens to old porn stars when they get a little } too fat or a little too wrinkled to be in the movies? The people at } Hostess have made use of these still talented retirees to generate } that creamie center of the Twinkie. I can't go into details because } of patent protection, but with a lot of sugar and a little imagination } I know you will be able to figure out the basics of the process. } } You owe the Oracle a Sno-ball. Do you want to know how they make } these? --- 723-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wondrous, wise, and worldly Oracle, what is the > wave of the future, and what will I need to surf on it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To see the wave of the future, I'll need a crystal ball. I know I } have crystal balls. Lemme look in the closet. } } } } Well, not quite what I expected, but there it is. The wave of the } future is the tsunami I just accidentally created. Here, borrow my } board, and see if you can catch it! } } You owe the Oracle the return of his surfboard. --- 723-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle most wise, tell me, the meek human who is unfit to breath > the air you burp, why it is that I, an English major, am smarter and > more knowledgeble about medicine than my associates who are in their > final year of med school? Soothe my fears that we are sending out a > generation of doctors who don't know the xiphoid from xylocaine and > that from a xylophone. This *is* something to worry about, right? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not at all. Why, I was speaking with my new physician the other day, } and he had quite a refreshing perspective on metaphors for pain in } Milton. } } You owe the Oracle a treatment for the arthropods in my left knee. --- 723-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, > > Who is General Failure and why is he reading my drive? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } General Failure was Nixon's Chief of Staff, and is still involved with } the Government via the NSA. He's reading your drive because you've been } deemed a security risk. Clean up your act!