From oracle-request Tue Aug 29 16:29:06 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id QAA10662; Tue, 29 Aug 1995 16:29:06 -0500 Date: Tue, 29 Aug 1995 16:29:06 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #769 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 769 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #769 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 29 Aug 1995 16:29:06 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 769 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 764 105 votes aeony fzzd7 ilyo8 4iwxi 8nysc 5kFw7 dvwl8 ciJo6 alHo7 kdomq 764 3.1 mean 3.5 2.6 2.8 3.4 3.1 3.2 2.8 2.9 3.0 3.2 --- 769-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great, all-knowing, discrete Oracle, who, in his endless wisdom and > kindness would never reveal the content of our conversations to my > boss, my insurance company, my significant other, or any agency of the > federal government, please answer me this one plea. > > I'm starting to get worried. What were those symptoms again? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Anxiety and forgetfulness. } } You owe the Oracle . . . . Oh, forget it. You'll be in intensive care } by the time you read this. Be glad you got your affairs in order! --- 769-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise and magnificent Oracle, I have been one of your > incarnations on several occasions, and I thank you from the > bottom of my heart for this great honor you have bestowed > upon me. > > Every so often, though, I have to admit that the questions you > assign to me as an incarnation are a little on the tough side. > What should I do if I don't feel worthy to answer questions on > your behalf? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O sometime incarnation, tremble not at the prospect of the } occasional tough question. As a matter of fact, if that trembling } gets much worse, you might have to resume drinking on the job. Take } a deep breath, unclench your fists, and pick the broken bits of your } mouse out from between your fingers. Now, doesn't that feel better? } } You, as the Oraclular Incarnation Nominally Knowledgeable (OINK) } don't _have_ to actually answer the poor Supplicant Who Is Needing } Entertainment (SWINE). As long as your response is entertaining, } the SWINE will be getting his money's worth out of your answer. If, } however, you want to go that extra furlong, you may try a number of } Dissembling Techniques. } (1) Answer in parables. It doesn't have to make sense; it has } now become the SWINE's job to figure it out. } (2) Give the SWINE a Top Ten List. The priesthood eat that } stuff up; you'll make the Oracularities } (3) Blame Bill Gates or Microsoft(tm). Hell, everybody else does. } (4) Blame Steve Kinzler (tm). See DT number(2). } (5) Answer in a foreign language. Morse code, pig latin, } COBOL, C++, seem to be the current favorites. } (6) Limericks, haiku: } Bewildered Supplicant thinks } He has seen wisdom } (7) Let Lisa answer and claim T.U.O. is the victim of an } esoteric (yet lurid) sex fantasy. The priesthood will pass } it among themselves but keep it out of the Oracularities } since this is a family newsgroup. The likelihood of the } SWINE being delighted with your answer is very high; this } is, after all, cheaper than 1-900 phone calls. } (8) Just the poor bastard on some technicality. It's } not too sportsmanlike, you being temporarily omniscient, } and all, but the casual readers like the violence, and } hey, we've all ed our way out of the occasional } tight spot. In fact it feels pretty good; and it has been } awhile since I've.... hmmmm. } (9) Lie. } (10) Parody (shudder) popular culture. Ren and Stimpy, Three } Stooges, Beavis and Butthead, any beer commercials. Do } observe that none of them could answer ANY question, but } are entertaining, and stand a pretty shot at satisfying } the SWINE (particularly if the SWINE was oneof those } who stood in line to buy WIN95 at midnight theday it } was released because the television TOLD him to.) } (11) .... and in closing, erstwile OINK, } What is the sound of an evasive koan? } } --- 769-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, so cute and shiny, tell me > > is it true that girlies don't want to be adult women, even if they are? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Girlies, huh? How can you expect them to be fully-functioning adult } women when they're nothing but photographs in a magazine? They aren't } even three-dimensional! } } If you want to meet real, adult, intelligent women, try leaving the } house occasionally. Go to nightclubs. Join a gym. Play softball. Do } something! } } By the way, your mother knows what's under your mattress. You aren't } fooling anybody, mister. } } You owe the oracle a handbook on dating others in the 90's --- 769-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Mighty Oracle, Who Compells Me To Capitalize Every Word I Write, > > I tried out Windows 95 today. To start up the game Solitare, for > example, you simple push CTRL-ESC to bring up the menu, then pick > Programs, then pick Entertainment from that menu, and finally pick > Solitare from the Entertainment menu. Then you wait for a minute while > it starts up, and then you can play it. > > Please excuse my ignorance, but how is this an improvement over > clicking on an icon? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Or better yet, how is clicking on an icon better than playing } with actual cards? --- 769-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey you! I've sent you stacks and stacks of questions and you ain't > replied to even a single one yet! What's up? Don't ya serve > AOL'ers???? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure we serve AOL'ers. We gladly kill them, dress them, prepare them, } cook them, and serve them. } } The problem is getting anybody to sit down and eat one. } } You owe the Oracle a Compuserver over easy, with a side of Prodigy. --- 769-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me what would happen if Calvin & Hobbes were to rendezvous > with The Simpsons? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "But... But... The witness is a stuffed tiger, Your Honor!" } } "This court has had enough of you. Take the prosecution to the dungeon } and make her listen to the testimony on water balloon elasticity } again!" } } You owe the Oracle a transmogrifier. --- 769-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How might I fit a quart in a pint pot? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How to Fit a Quart in a Pint Pot. } } 1. Take the quart. } 2. Drink all the liquor out of it. } 3. Wait an hour. Your kidneys will apply Lempel-Ziv-Welch compression } to the quart as needed. } 4. The quart will now fit easily into a pint pot. } } The same method may be applied to many varieties of liquor with great } success. --- 769-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You are in a maze of twisted little editors, all different. > What do you do now? > >> And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Music swells. Giant letters sweep across the screen: } } >>Indiana Oracle and the Temple of DOS<< } } [Orrie, outfitted in khaki bush hat and tropical attire is surrounded } by terminals, PCs and workstations. } He looks concerned, but has a steely glint in his eye.] } } Oracle: So, "Baron Bill von Redmond", you think you and your fiendish } yuppie stormtroopers can outwit the omniscient Oracle with a simple } maze of editors, eh? We'll see about that! } } [He moves towards the first system and engages in hand-to-hand } combat...] } } 1st system: "Error reading drive A: Abort, Retry, Ignore?" } } Orrie: "FORMAT *.*" } } [smoke starts to pour from the monitor. Orrie moves to the next screen] } } 2nd system: "General protection fault on module WINEDIT.DLL at } location 0FA0:01B0" } } Orrie: "CTRL-ALT-DEL" } } [disk drive explodes, flames shoot into the air from the monitor. Orrie } starts to type on the third keyboard - a 3270] } } 3270: ":" } } [ Orrie frantically types. Looks puzzled] } } 3270: "? unknown" } } [ Orrie stands back. Shrugs] } } Orrie: ZOT! } } [3270 terminal is instantly vaporized. Through the smoke, something } moves] } } Orrie: Not so fast >Baron<. Hand over the holy chalice of vi. } } Baron Bill: Forget it Oracle, I'm going to take over the world and } there's nothing you or your puny band of lawyer supplicants can do } about it! [he emits a manic evil laugh] } } [The Baron pulls a concealed lever and a loud rumbling sound is heard. } A giant trackball careens down a ramp towards the Oracle] } } Orrie: You'll have to do better than THAT, Baron! } } [Orrie whips out a disk marked OS/2 and hurls it at the approaching } trackball which twists and veers off course. It narrowly misses Baron } Bill, smashing a large hole in the wall through which the exterior is } visible.] } } BB: Curses! WARPed again! } } [Baron Bill leaps though the newly breached wall and into a waiting } helicopter which disappears in the direction of the Baron's impregnable } Castle Redmond.] } } Orrie: So Baron Bill lives to fight another day. But I, the Oracle vow } never to rest in the continuing battle for truth, justice and the } informationsuperhigh way. } } [Closing credits] } } You owe the Oracle a new device driver for his bullwhip --- 769-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise one, > Did Bill gates misunderstand the passage "...and the meek shall inherit > the earth." as reading, "...and the Geek shall inherit the earth."???? > Is there life beyond Intel and Microsoft? > > Awating your reply.... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, there was a misprint in the original Bible. It should read, } "...and the Greek shall inherit the earth." However, since God, for } all we know, has not died, he is still principle owner and operator of } the earth. He only created this clause from the advice of his lawyers. } } There is life beyond Microsoft and Intel. It will be a simple, } hand-held device I like to call an "abacus." It will hold a number of } virtual beads, upon one can count, possibly more precisely than a } Pentium chip. But that is all far into the future, long past our own } human existance. } } You owe the Oracle a slice of the pie. --- 769-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Sir, don't you think we should get the defendant some clothes before > we ask him to speak in front of all these people? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not at all. He's wearing his legal briefs.