From oracle-request Wed Dec 4 14:01:20 1996 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.3/IUCS.1.62) id OAA18141; Wed, 4 Dec 1996 14:01:20 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 14:01:20 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199612041901.OAA18141@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #872 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 872 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #872 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 14:01:20 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 872 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 867 141 votes 2gwWx 5qxKv 9uEwu 5jSCp dBOva 7qMJf 8MYl4 bySy8 gDZi7 dACxl 867 3.2 mean 3.7 3.5 3.3 3.4 2.9 3.2 2.8 3.0 2.7 3.1 --- 872-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does nobody love me and what can I do about this ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The mighty oracle, again speaks out, } four things I'll say, to give you clout, } and first, I'll offer, unto you, } an answer to your query too. } } Why? is rhubarb crumble mushy, } Why? in hot weather, desire a slushy, } Why, oh why? does no one love you, } I'll try to answer, um, er, oooh... } } Well. love is complex, and it's true, } for now it seems, no-one loves you, } maybe that's right, maybe forever, } but maybe not, if you're damned clever. } } Four ways' there are, to make them love you, } money's the first, and onto two, } here placed, there's notoriety, } (does for Jacko, does for me) } } there's cuteness, um, that's great, I'm sure, } but play the fool, tis the best cure, } have a laugh, and play at folly, } each of us loves one who's jolly. } } You owe the oracle the address of a good escort agency. --- 872-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oops ! Now DON'T - I've told you, you must NEVER - ouch!! - now STOP IT > listen to me, will you? - STOP THIS AT ONCE! - ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Stop what? I'm not doing anyth-- } } Oh my God, does your dog ALWAYS do that? } } You owe the oracle the archives of } alt.sex.bestiality.hamsters.duct-tape. --- 872-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Your Excellency, the peasants are about to revolt And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Eh? Whassat? The pheasants are revolving, you say? } } Quickly man, to the storm shelters! Hurricane's on its way! } } You mean you don't know? Chaos theory! Quick, put that bar across } the door... } } [wavery screen effect shimmers and resolves to an aging hippy in } front of a blackboard. His T-Shirt, with a groovy fractal pattern, } identifies him as a Chaos Theoretician.] } } "Many people know that classic chaos theory example of the } thunderstorm in America caused by the fluttering of a butterfly's } wings in China (later changed by marketing to a hurricane). What } isn't so commonly known is that we have identified the causes of } other weather systems. grasshopper farts, for example, cause } freezing fog, and starlings crapping on shiny sportscars cause } hazy cloud with a 20% chance of scattered showers later in the } afternoon (that happens a lot). The study of Hurricanes has } been vastly advanced by the discovery that they are caused } by pheasants running around in small circles." } } [wavery screen effect shimmers and returns us to the Oracle] } } So there y'go, sonny. Now tune the radio to the emergency channel } and - what's that? Peasants? _Revolting_ ? Well, why didn't you } say so in the first place? } } You owe the Oracle a rooftop helipad, a Swiss bank account and } political asylum in Hawaii. --- 872-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, I get headaches if I stare at a computer screen > for too long. Since I work with computers, this happens just about > every day. Is there some easy solution to this problem? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You should fnord rest assured that you are fnord not experiencing } an adverse fnord reaction to subliminal messages in your fnord } software. That's fnord definitely not the case. Fnord. } } Just relax and go with the fnord flow and you'll soon fnord forget } you ever had fnord headaches. } } If symptoms fnord persist, you might consider fnord a hat made of } tin-foil. Just as a fnord precaution. } } You owe the fnord Oracle your unquestioning obedience. --- 872-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What happens if I press this switch? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The one marked "Alternate Universe?" It couldn't do any harm...why } don't you go ahead and try? } } Hmmm, looks like it didn't do anything. Must not be hooked up. } } Oh, well, time to walk the woodchuck. } } The Oracle owes you a million dollars. --- 872-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > tellme about usnet And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Usenet, best beloved, is a happy, fairytale kingdom. King Kibo sits } on his throne protected by the friendly giants Spaf and Tale. The } wizard Depew ensures that anything that threatens the land magically } disappears, and the Knights who say 'Ack' make fair and just laws to } govern the people. } } But all is not entirely peace and tranquility. The crawling, choking } spam vines threaten the productive fields of the peasants, sent by } the evil wizard Rhodes to torment the king. Bands of marauding } noobies wander around aimlessly, causing chaos with their poorly } configured news software. And evil trolls stir up discord and strife } with sly words and provocative political agendas. } } And you're probably better off staying out of some of the seamier } areas, such as alt.revisionism or alt.sex.* - come to think of it, } the whole of Alt County has been going steadily downhill since the } Oracle went upmarket to the fancy Rec Province. } } You owe the Oracle kooks like we used to get in the old days. --- 872-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O' one of all profundity we wouldst that thou sage be to our lowly > quest, We seek but simple answers where one such as you O' > Knowingness waits with immortal patience only to fill our raving > ignorance. We are not fit to drink from your cup!! and yet freely > you see fit to quench our thirst. We are but humble conduits of you > o' Great One!! We tremble in fear at the the mere utterance of your > name. Dare we!! I ask dare we utter in even the most remote corners > in all the Universe?!? In the seemless unreacheable dimensions? In > the bowells of the blackest blackhole? On an Elvis record played > backwards? The name of the Omniscient One !!! > > [inhale] > > Do you think you could just find me a bigger set of lungs? I just > can't spit out any more grovelling without bigger lungs... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sorry, but until Pamela Lee's divorce goes through, we don't know } who'll get custody. --- 872-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise and understanding Oracle, > > If you find the time, please tell me how, > Man first learnt to drink from a cow. > Why grab its bits and give 'em a pull? > And where would be be, had it been a bull? > > If you find an answer, then please tell me why, > Big ships do float, and aeroplanes fly. > What is space and what is the point, > Of the little hole, on a Bic ballpoint? > > Why have elephants got such big noses? > Is it true what they said, about this bloke Moses ? > The meaning of life, they said was '24' , > Whats that mean, whats it all for? > > Why can't the leopard change its spots? > Have you ever met an elephant, that actually forgot ? > How do cats, always land on their feet ? > Who put the circles, in the fields of wheat? > > I mean if its ok, would you be so kind, > All of these things, they trouble my mind, > Oh wonderful Orrie, please help me here, > I haven't been to sleep for almost a year. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh supplicant I'm filled with joy, } Poetical questions! Boy oh boy. } I've not seen one since puss was a kitten, } Though we've not met I know I'm smitten. } } You ask me first of cows by jingies, } And how man chose to pull its thingies. } Man didst first try bulls and wished, } He hadn't for he soon was squished. } } (When I say 'he' I mean mankind } I am not sexist you will find) } } The larger boats are, I'm assured, } Aquatic holes into which money is poured. } Needs money to float? I don't see the link, } But an under-funded boat will surely sink. } } As for aeroplanes, I'd say } They fly with wings, day by day. } And also they can fly at night, } You should consult the brothers Wright. } } Bic pens even stump my henchmen, } Because they are designed by Frenchmen! } On space I often feast my eyes, } 'coz I might see the Enterprise. } } Elephants have noses, true } That seem quite long to me or you, } But to Dumbo, dresed quite formal, } A lengthy nose does seem quite normal. } } Tales of Moses probably, } Originate at Gallillee, } Found among the reeds they say, } That grow on edges of the bay. } } 24? Well who told you? } The answer y'seek is 42! } To know it would make your brain bend, } A human cannot comprehend. } } Leopards used to change their spots, } To pink and purple polka-dots, } But elephants remembered that, } And laughed at leopards, as they sat. } } Cats and feet and landing are, } Discussed by many, near and far, } In spite of what some fools may boast, } DON'T tie your cat to buttered toast. } } You final query, oh so neat, } Concerns the circles in the wheat, } That's a good one, for your spy, } Could tell you who it was : I. } } Finally I reach the end, } I hope to resurrect the trend, } Of poetry and so you owe; } More verse, more verse, and pronto! --- 872-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > tell me how to find the next girl friend, since > having lost the love of my live 4 months ago ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, affairs of the heart. The Oracle seems to have been very busy with } these sorts of messages lately. Boy, I'll tell ya, finding the love of } your life, that's a tall order. Let's step through the compulsaries and } work our way up to the finals. } } We have to assume that your have your eye on some comely lass. If so, } your first step is to get her attention: } } - Give her a frozen potato. } - Spell out 'Have a nice day' in Toblerone bars on the hood of her } car. } - Jump up and down outside her window while singing "I'm a teapot" } loudly. } } Now make your move! } } - Ask her out to dinner. Stop by the Aquarium supply store and have } her pick out the fish she'd like to eat. Offer to cook it for her. } - Try to get admission to a hospital operating theatre. Particularly } exciting are gallbladder operations. } - Attend the opera. Bring popcorn. } } The rest, my dear supplicant, is up to you. (Hint - you should } hopefully reach a point where both of you are naked and she's holding a } duck and a rubber spatula. We leave it up to you to figure this part } out. I'm not gonna do *all* of your work for you!!!) } } You owe the Oracle a package of Hairbo Gummi-Bears and two spools of } red yarn. } } ---------------------------------------------- } The Oracle - incarnated as } Gary.Jeleniewski@CBIS.COM } For all your goofy answer needs! --- 872-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O splendid Oracle, whose unsurpassed thigh is the biggest, who is the > greatest attorney in cyberspace, who is a close personal friend of > Kibo, who adores animals that see wood, and who loves randomly > generated grovels, is it possible to be totally partial? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, but not completely. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of soy sauce left over from the early days.