From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Sat Oct 4 00:10:33 1997 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.11) id AAA02565; Sat, 4 Oct 1997 00:10:33 -0500 (EST) Date: Sat, 4 Oct 1997 00:10:33 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199710040510.AAA02565@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #947 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 947 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #947 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 4 Oct 1997 00:10:33 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 947 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 942 89 votes 5ceDj 5jroe 6Bwc2 69wmk 3djvn 39owl 5ixo9 6cCt4 8eyo9 4bvxa 942 3.3 mean 3.6 3.3 2.6 3.5 3.7 3.7 3.2 3.1 3.1 3.4 --- 947-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > >look > > Room 316 > Your dorm room is a mess. But then again, whose isn't? It's outfitted > with your standard bunkbeds, two desks, closets, and a sink. Just like > your average hotel room. > The door to your room is west. > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } >i } } You are carrying: } a paper clip } your lucky woodchuck's foot } a barbell } >west } } As you approach the door, it crashes open violently and your football- } playing, South Park-watching, mouth-breathing, dumber-than-dirt } roommate, Mac, stomps in giving you a dirty look. I think he's found } out about you and his bimbo girlfriend. } >west } } Mac is blocking the exit. } } Mac lumbers towards you with a snarl, "You're a dead man." } >kill mac } } With what? Your bare hands? } >yes } } I don't understand that. } >look mac } } Your roommate Mac is big, dumb and ugly. He also has enough muscle to } break you in half. He doesn't look happy to see you. } Mac is giving you the evil eye. } >take eye } } I don't see any "eye" here. } >look eye } } Mac's evil eye is a tiny pinhole full of hatred. } >poke eye } } Deftly wielding your paper clip, you poke Mac in the eye. Bellowing } with rage, he ejects a floppy disk and flees the room crashing through } the north wall. You hear shrieks of protest as he passes through the } next room. } >take disk } } You pick up the floppy disk. } (You score has increased by five points.) } >exits } } There is a door to the west. } There is a Mac-shaped hole to the north. } >north } } Women's Bathroom } You have entered the ladies room. Unfortunately, you are not a lady. } An attractive co-ed, wrapped in a towel screams as you enter and, } almost immediately, Mac arrives, picks you up by the throat in one } beefy hand and proceeds to shape you into a football. As he punts you } into oblivion, you recognize the co-ed as his bimbo girlfriend. } } You have died. } } Would you like to R)estore, S)tart Over, or Q)uit? } >Q } } Your score is 5 (out of a possible 169). } This gives you the rank of Supplicant. } ---- } } *sigh* You owe the Oracle a lucky woodchuck's foot. --- 947-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, who understands all languages on earth: > > I've noticed some people speaking about the 'F-word', the 'N-word', > the 'S-word' and so on. Does this mean that there are only room for > 26 bad words in English? What a boring language! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } no, there is only room for 21. vowels are not allowed as curse } words according to the Newly-Revised Anglo-Saxxon Laws Abiding Vulgar } and Obscene Words in the Modern English Genre. } who says english is boring? --- 947-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the difference between a geometry textbook and a > straightened-out paper clip? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Minuscule supplicant (who probably cannot spell minuscule correctly } without looking it up), you are indeed troubled. What you were trying } to ask was how many angles (not angels) could dance on a pin, and not } having one handy you used a paper clip, but you ruined it. Geometry } won't help you on this one, because you missed the point, and you need } two points for a line, and three non-colinear ones for an angle. This } leaves you pointless, like leftover angels that cannot fit on the pin. } You are vexed by riddles that you cannot answer and by the backlash of } the many puns you inflict upon the unsuspecting. } } Be careful where you put your unbent paper clip, or you'll be like that } poor angel who has to sit on top of the Xmas tree. --- 947-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most indescribable, can you think of any one-word oxymorons? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. } } Oh, you want to know them? Well, I'm afraid that describing me as } 'indescribable' simply isn't a sufficient grovel. Also, the plural of } oxymoron is oxymora ... } } You owe the oracle a semiretired, telepresent spendthrift skilled at } playing the pianoforte. --- 947-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mostly incredible Oracle, who knows all the words to Louie Louie, > > What's this big bright red fish doing in my swimming pool?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am going to have to go to the judges on this one. } } _Obvious_: The backstroke. } } _Freud_: Hmmmm...big...red... } } _Guido_: You wants that I should "remove" yo liddle fish } problem here? } } _Piratical_: Aaaarrrrr, methinks tis the great red fish I be } seeking. } } _Ebonics_: What be fish? } } _Eliza_: How do you feel about this big bright red fish doing } in my swimming pool?? } } _Seuss_: One fish, red fish, soonish, dead fish } } _Mime_: } } _Naturalistic_: That is the Biggus Bright-Reddus, known for it's } affinity for chlorine and cheap patio furniture. } } _Text_Based_Adventure_: I see no big bright red fish here. } } _Fratboy_: Dude! You gotta swallow that thing if you want in. } Go Betas! (get it?) } } _Preteen_: What's Louie Louie? } } _Homer_: MMMmmmmmmm ... fish. } } You owe the oracle a large bag of swedish fish candies, red ones only. --- 947-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > .___________________________________________________. > | | > | ----------O | > | B'l-arja -- BY AIR MAIL |#/\/\# /| | > | |/####\ | | > | To: T.I. Oracle ||####| 47| | > | Oracular Techs ----------- | > | Olympus | > | | > | Hi Oracle, | > | I'm having a lot of fun here far away from | > | my Oracular duties. The sea is wonderful and | > | the nights are exciting. Thanks for giving me | > | this time off with Zadoc; We are enjoying it so | > | much that we have decided to stay here a bit | > | longer... | > | | > | Love, | > | Lisa | > |___________________________________________________| And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Marketing Department } Times-Tribune } } 1 October 1997 } } Dear Sir or Madam, } } Please find enclosed a check for the following ad to be placed in the } classified section of your paper. } } Thank you, } } The Internet Oracle } ================================ } } IMMEDIATE NEED! } } Internet Oracle Inc. has an immediate need for 2 special individuals to } fill critical openings at our headquarters operation: } } 1) Miserable Worm: The ideal candidate will be able to perform } various duties including answer mail, light } cleaning and answering rhetorical questions. } Previous experience with ZOT! technology is } helpful but not required. } } 2) Companion: You are smart, unashamed and a good conversationalist, } and are unafraid to tell your boss exactly what you } think. NOTE: Partial and/or full nudity is REQUIRED } for this job. } } Candidates for both positions will need to deal with a fast-paced } environment and be computer-savvy. To be considered for one of these } exciting openings, please forward your resume and salary requirements } to Internet Oracle Inc, Department 5472, Indiana. Internet Oracle Inc. } is an equal opportunity employer. --- 947-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the answer to 2+2? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nice try, O Supplicant of the Non-existent Grovel. But I'm not } falling for that. } } The answer, of course, depends on the value of the variable, ?. } For example, if ?=2, then the problem becomes 2+2(2), which equals 6. } For ?=3, the value is 8, and so forth. So, I'm afraid the only } accurate answer I can provide is this: } } 2+2? = 2+2? } } Your question IS your answer. Kinda like Jeopardy, but, well, no, } not really like Jeopardy at all. } } You owe the Oracle a value for ?. --- 947-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh EverPresent Oracle, who possesses more knowledge than all the > engineers put together, I have noticed a strange thing. > > North of the Equator, water runs counter-clockwise down the drain, > while South of the Equator is runs clockwise. At the Equator it > doesn't run down at all (probably since the drains are clogged). > Why does this happen? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear supplicant: } } At the equator, the coriolis force becomes entangled with the } Heisenberg principle. The water does not drain because you're looking } at it. } } You owe the Oracle a book on solipism. --- 947-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All knowing one, "Tell me why El Ninyo is pestering the farmers in > southwest Oklahom?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, but if you hum a few bars I can...oh, wait, I see what you mean. } Well, the scientific explanation to that is pretty technical, but if } you really want to know... } } Basically, the weather gods are angry. You can't blame them, really. } Nobody takes them seriously anymore. I mean, it used to be them and } nobody else. Oh, sure, everybody went around waving and building } statues of those fellows with far too many arms and heads and knees } and whatnot, but who do you think they _really_ prayed to at night } with the wind whistling in the cracks (this is before the Age of } Spackle I'm talking about here) and the crops not ready to harvest } so it'll be dried turnips all winter if ol' Jack [not his real name] } Frost should happen to drop by, much less if it should happen to } start raining industrial strength ice cubes or fish or frogs or } some other damned thing? Not Mr. Gnurg Of The Thousand Elbows, } I can tell you that. No, the weather gods were always the ones who } got the real respect, not to mention endorsement contracts. But all } that's changed since then. Now people spend all their time inside } their central heating and air conditioning and indoor plumbing. } For a while the weather gods didn't do much about it, spending their } time playing "Zap the Golfer" and idly aiming continuous streams } of high-powered cosmic rays into the heads of local TV weathermen, } which is why they talk like that. But computers were the last straw. } Now people hardly need to go outside at all, and they hardly ever } even _talk_ about the weather. Well, the weather gods are fed up, } and this time they intend to do something about it. They're going to } keep getting meaner until they start getting some real respect. Oh, } sure, you laugh now, but will you be amused when your house is crushed } beneath ten tons of assorted seaweed? Your neighbors will be, though. } So I guess it's not a total loss. } } You owe the Oracle an umbrella, and a videotape of that whole } house-crushing thing. --- 947-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, what is the recipe for (sorry, can't do it > properly in pure ASCII, imagine the o and / are overlaid) glo/gg? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sorry, ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.