From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue Oct 26 16:22:52 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id PAA03854; Tue, 26 Oct 1999 15:57:12 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 26 Oct 1999 15:57:12 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199910262057.PAA03854@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1123 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1123 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1123 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 26 Oct 1999 15:57:12 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1123 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1118 77 votes aro97 9ivb8 07zr8 dmpa7 6bmpd 21xni 48nwa cyib2 9bdnl 5hohe 1118 3.1 mean 2.7 2.9 3.5 2.7 3.4 3.7 3.5 2.4 3.5 3.2 --- 1123-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Benevolent in temperament is the Oracle, > > Why are there still trees? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There aren't. What a ridiculous question. Everybody knows stills } don't grow on trees. They mutate from abandoned car radiators. } } Oh, wait, my apologies. You meant why are the trees not moving around. } What a silly language this is. } } First and foremost, the trees are still because they don't have legs. } If they did, you can bet your bottom dollar they wouldn't stand still. } They'd be running as fast as they could away from every axe, bulldozer, } and chain saw that they could see. Assuming they could see at all, } that is. } } But as you have probably observed, it is still possible for trees to } move, even in the absence of locomotive appendages. Take a look } outside during the next thunderstorm, if you don't believe me. This } form of motion requires some external motive force, for instance a } strong breeze or a hyperactive squirrel. Which leads to the answer you } were truly looking for: } } There isn't any wind. } } You owe the Oracle a textbook on parsing ambiguous grammars. --- 1123-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Bounteous Oracle, whose knowledge spans every possible dimension, > whose wisdom is a never-ending cornucopia of aphoristic delight, > who could probably even get the MIT graduate admissions office to > acknowledge his existence if he really tried, please aid your loyal > supplicant in his hour of need. > > My dissertation is due in early next week, and so far I've written > approximately 1/5 of it (and I'm not entirely happy with that). WHAT > THE %("&$^"! AM I GOING TO DO????? AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!! > > ... no... no, it's OK now. I'm calm. Phew. No, that's not my question. > My question is this: I've got a nagging feeling that I left something > important out of Chapter 2. Is there anything else I should add before > I send it in? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } About 500 dollars in small, used bills. Works wonders. } } You owe the Oracle another $100, preferably in fives and tens. --- 1123-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What the hell was THAT? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A pronoun. --- 1123-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > pikebubbles?!? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you pour lye onto it, salt it and boil it, -it most certainly does. } It becomes a greasy, fishy, viscous ooze resembling a bowl of } putrified snot. But I think you've made a small technical error, } --Lutefisk is *usually* made with cod. --- 1123-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, whose wisdom eclipses the total > accumulated knowledge of humankind, please tell me... > > What warranty do you provide with your answers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } * * * O R A C U L A R W A R R A N T E E * * * } } All answers that you receive from The Internet Oracle are guaranteed to } be true and free from defects for a period of one hundred years. For } questions that have already been asked by other supplicants, the period } starts when the question was originally asked. There is no exclusion } for marmotiferous questions, but the supplicant should be ready to duck, } and should understand that the original question about marmota monax was } first asked over 100 years ago. } } In the event that an answer proves defective or false, the supplicant is } entitled to receive DOUBLE HIS OR HER MONEY BACK. Poof of payment is } required. In the event of a dispute, The Internet Oracle shall be the } sole judge of the correctness of answers and of all financial } arrangements. } } You owe the Oracle $100 for each answer you have received over the past } 100 years. Pay up! Send payments IN CASH to The Internet Oracle, c/o } Steve Kinzler, ATTENTION NIGHT-TIME JANITORIAL SERVICE, Mathematics } Building, Indiana State University. --- 1123-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The outlook wasn't brilliant for the IU nine that day; > The score stood four to two with but one inning more to play. > And when Kinzler died at first, and Lisa did the same, > A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game. > > A straggling few got up to go in deep despair. The rest > Clung to that hope which springs eternal in the human breast; > They thought if only Orrie could but get a whack at that-- > We'd put up even money now with Orrie at the bat. > > But Og preceded Orrie, as did also Zadoc Worm, > And the former was a caveman and the latter was a germ; > So upon that stricken multitude grim melancholy sat, > For there seemed but little chance of Orrie's getting to the bat. > > But Og clubbed out a single, getting seeds on all his suit, > And Zadoc, much despis-ed, smacked the fur off of the fruit; > And when the kiwi juice settled, and we saw what had occured, > There was Zadoc safe at second and Og a-hugging third. > > Then from 5,000 nodes and more there rose a lusty yell; > It rumbled through the Usenet, it rattled in the Dell; > It knocked upon the mountain and recoiled upon the flat, > For Orrie, mighty Orrie, was advancing to the bat. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There was ease in Orrie's manner as he raised his mighty staff; } Omniscience in Orrie's bearing, and from Orrie's throat, a laugh. } And when, responding to the cheers, he said, "You all sound flat," } No fighting fish could doubt that it was Orrie at the bat. } } Ten thousand eyes were on him as he got his shirt a-tuck; } Five thousand tongues dared not say the forbidden word "woodchuck." } Then while the Purdue pitcher ground the fruit with hidden file, } Orrie's eyes grew full of hate, yet on his face, a smile. } } And now the Chinese gooseberry came hurtling through the air, } And Orrie stood a-watching it, trying to comb his hair. } Knowing just what would happen, he watched it as it sped -- } "Foul behind third," said Orrie. "Strike one," the umpire said. } } From mail servers and from Usenet, the mood got rather dark, } With frowns made up of nearly every punctuation mark. } "K1LL H1M!!!!!!!!!! K1LL THE UMP1RE!!!!!!!!!" said someone on WebTV; } And they would have killed him had they not crashed mysteriously. } } Orrie looked out upon the crowd and sadly shook his head; } Which stilled the rising tumult, causing voices to stop dead. } He yelled back at the pitcher, "Here's a knuckleball from you"; } And just as Orrie had foreseen, the umpire said, "Strike two." } } "FRAUD!!!!!!" cried the maddened thousands, and the echo said, "me } too"; But the FAQ upon the scoreboard made the "bies" somewhat less } "new." The audience saw Orrie snarl, his teeth begin to grit, } And they knew that Orrie predicted this time, he'd get a hit. } } The smile is gone, but still his brain holds knowledge without bound; } RealVideo goes dark without a picture or a sound. } And now only those at the game can see the fruit take flight, } And now only those at the game see Orrie's blinding light. } } Oh, somewhere newsgroup posts resound with humor and with wit; } Somewhere people transcribe every Monty Python bit, } Somewhere minds just come alive with comic genius thought, } But there is no joy at IU--'twas an accidental zot. --- 1123-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is this a Douglas Hofstadter reference posing as a question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. A Douglas Hofstadter reference looks something like this: } } [Hofstadter 1982a] } } You owe The Oracle the name of a library which stocks The International } Journal of Zot Supplicant Studies. --- 1123-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, who is so large and great he can measure > intergalactic distances with his...you know...can you tell me > something? > > How near is the farthest star from earth? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, if my suggestion had been followed, the answer would be } approximately 800 million miles. Unfortunately, they did _not_ strap } Michael Jackson to Voyager I, however. } } This leaves Jim Morrison, at 238,000 miles, as the winner. He's in the } trunk of the lunar rover that went up with Apollo 17, and remains in } Taurus-Littrow to this day. Long story. } } You owe the Oracle a Pulsar NX. --- 1123-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most marvelous Oracle, who can change life at his whim and > laugh at us biologists doing itthe hard way, please answer this > scientific query. > > Why won't my cells grow? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Boris, a smart fellow like you, you shouldn't have to ask me that. } The world's changed, hasn't it? There was a time - even as little } as 10 years ago - you could recruit any number of young, left wing } idealists to your cells with the promise of global revolution and } the ultimate victory of the proletariat. But what have you got to } offer now? Just another second-rate power with a ramshackle economy, } hand-me-down capitalist policies and the opportunity to queue 36 } hours for 2 kilos of beetroot. They're hardly going to come flocking } like bees to honey, are they? } } And without ideology, what other forms of persuasion can you turn } to? Money? Hah! You've already spent all of this year's subversion } budget on a new fan belt for the Lada. Sex? Blackmail? Perhaps } you're forgetting Natasha defected to go and work in a casino in } Carson City. Ah, that woman was the Garbo of the incriminating } photograph! The uses she could dream up for some fishnet stockings, } a tub of Vaseline, 3 tins of beluga caviar and a Polaroid camera... } But I digress. As for your idea of a replacement - Comrade Stanley } in the wig - you ought to know by now that trick never works. } } You owe the Orac... What? So now you want to ask a biology question? } I'm sorry, Boris, but the rule is one supplication at a time. There } are other people waiting, you know. So get to the back of the queue } and wait till your turn comes up again. Anyway, we haven't got any } beetroot today. --- 1123-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > /.? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, I don't follow your point.