From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sun Oct 20 19:37:36 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.47) id g9L0CBH07706; Sun, 20 Oct 2002 19:12:11 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 20 Oct 2002 19:12:11 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200210210012.g9L0CBH07706@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1287 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1287 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1287 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 20 Oct 2002 19:11:58 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1287 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1282 57 votes 39jh9 0arf5 26qda 56gge 8cn95 2ffi7 37cle 14bni 67il5 1edch 1282 3.4 mean 3.4 3.3 3.4 3.5 2.8 3.2 3.6 3.9 3.2 3.5 --- 1287-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > HEY LISA! BACK OFF! THE ORACLE IS MINE! GET YOUR OWN MAN! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lisa's Top 10 Responses: } } 10. Why the heck did she steal my inflatable love doll? } 9. You say this as if The Oracle was the only one who can } people. } 8. Help! My man has been kidnapped by a MIME using ALL CAPS! } 7. Damn that man! I told him to stay out of my pheromones! } He always uses too much. } 6. The Oracle *is* my own man. } 5. Well, *that* got rid of him. Oops! I mean: 'Oh, no! Leave him } alone, you homewrecker!' } 4. No, honey, you just don't understand orgy etiquette... } 3. You forest nymphs get pushier and pushier every year. I'm calling } a landscaper. } 2. Technically, The Oracle is *his*. He just *shares* himself with } me, and I him. } } And the #1 Lisa Response: } } 1. Oh, Orrie! Not the cat-fighting fantasy again! --- 1287-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What kind of drugs are you on, that make you think *that* answer was > funny? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sorry, the Oracle has a cold and isn't at his best. Please } sent a large stamped, addressed envelope to oracle@cs.indiana.edu } and the giraffe, jar of mayonaisse and comedy anvil you submitted } in payment will be returned. --- 1287-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most awful, > > Could you tell me "The Top 10 Worst Top 10 List Ideas"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As requested: } } 10. The Top 10 Serial Numbers for Stolen VCRs } [honestly, I think the problem here was doing this one quantitatively - } there ended up being a three hundred seventy-nine million, six hundred } forty two thousand, three hundred fifty nine way tie for second place, } with the winner (by a longshot) being any series of most illegible } numbers] } } 9. The Top 40 Reasons to Give All Your Money to the RIAA } [Not only was this "list" nothing more than thirty four revealing } pictures of Britney Spears, five copies of the latest surprisingly good } album by Vanessa Carlton, a schlocky impassioned plea that reeked from } the stench of capitalist payola greed, by totally credible and } completely talented and definitely not past their prime band Metallica, } and finally a creepy, vaguely satanic diatribe by Hillary Cohen - not } ONLY are these are top TEN lists, not top FORTY - but finally, also, } additionally, after careful research by impartial third parties, it was } found that the numbers added up to a sum total much higher than the } RIAA was willing to admit. Whoops!] } } 8. The Top 10 Reasons why Kirk Was Better than Picard } and } 7. The Top 10 Reasons why Picard Was Better than Kirk } [for obvious reasons. Note that TTTRWKWBTP is slightly less stupid than } TTTRWPWBTK, since everyone knows that whatever idea comes second is } typically an inferior knockoff of the idea that came first, and } TTTRWKWBTP was floating around several nanoseconds longer than } TTTRWPWBTK] } } 6. The Top 10 Reasons to Date That Nice Sweet Actress Jodie Foster } Instead of that Cute Girl at the Supermarket Checkout Line Who Keeps } Smiling at You and Occasionally Following You Home and You're Sure that } You Saw Her Winking at You, but Her Boyfriend Would Probably Say There } Was Just Something In Her Eye but We Know Better Don't We We'll Show } Them We'll Show Them All Hahahahahahaha Ahahahaha-- } [the compiler of this list was sadly incarcerated before he made it } past number eight] } } 5. The Top Ten Most Incredible Uses Of } [nobody could find the rest of the title] } } 4. The Top Ten Polysyllablic Trans-Driftal Subjects Between M-$ and the } Netherworld Home, Excluding the Fifth-Dimensional Bogarts & All } Instances of the Factorial When Encountering a Quark Fractoid and/or } Fractal [even I, in all My infinite wisdom, was only able to find } three] } } 3. The Top Ten Ways to Solve Myst } [in the end, there were only three - read a walkthrough, cheat, or lie] } } 2. John Mayer's Ten Most Poignant Lyrics and Insightful Interview } Comments [The only age/gender demographic that gave a crap were the } under-18 females] } } And, of course, the worst top ten idea ever... } } 1. The Top 10 Worst Top Ten Ideas. } [duh] } } The Oracle owes YOU a pair of heavy prescription glasses if you didn't } see that "zinger" coming a mile away. --- 1287-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are men so obsessed with breasts? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ... } } *looks back up* } } Sorry, what were you saying? --- 1287-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most honorific, > > What's all this about the birds and the bees? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Most people call it "air". --- 1287-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Erm, hello, sorry to bother you, I was just wondering... > > I get through life doing very little, and frankly this is how I > like it. I have a modest home, and free internet 24/7, so I'm doing > OK really. However I want to make millions upon millions. Easy and > often asked question "How can I make my fortune" you may be thinking > but the catch for me is how can I make enough money to buy a Caribbean > island WITHOUT ACTUALLY PUTTING ANY EFFORT IN? > > Thanks for your time Mr. or Mrs. Oracle. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Without putting ANY effort in? I don't know if this is really } possible; after all, you've already went to the effort of asking } The Oracle. } Having acknowledged that you must expend some effort, I think } what you really want to know is how to make those millions with *as } little effort as possible.* } The easiest method involves the principle of compound interest. } Simply take any amount of money, put it in an interest-bearing account } with a guaranteed minimum interest rate (read the fine print), and } allow the interest to accrue until the balance reaches millions upon } millions of dollars. A key component of this is not to die in the } meantime; this scheme could take millenia to achieve fruition. } A scheme that involves more effort but takes less time } consists of telephone or mail fraud. I should warn you, however, } that this is illegal, quite easily traceable, and will damn your } immortal soul to hell. } A scheme that involves even more effort, but is still legal } (unfortunately), is to be a professional spammer. This will take } advantage of your free internet connection, but will likely involve } the purchase of some extra equipment. I should warn you, however, } that although this is legal and almost untraceable, it will damn your } immortal soul to hell (if I have any say in the matter). } There are many other schemes I could list out (really, there } are millions of ways of making money), but if you're looking to put in } as little effort as possible but avoid too much karmic retribution, } I'd recommend becoming a charismatic cult leader, and skimming from } the incomes of your followers. Scientology is an excellent example } of a very successful cult; Christianity pales in comparison, given } Christianity's extensive governmental support and 2-*millenium* head } start. Personally, I'd recommend a Charles Manson "Family"-style cult } (except without the murder), considering how many lonely, disconnected } people there are in our modern, atomized society. If you make "free } love" one of your tenets (unlike Heaven's Gate), you could enjoy some } other fringe benefits, as well. Once your cult gets big enough, } you could then convince your "flock" that you all need a better } location for your cult compound (such as a nice Caribbean island), } and they'll work harder and donate more in order to achieve this goal. } } In payment for your answer, The Oracle demands you quit } freeloading, get off your lazy ass and find a damn job already. } Like I said, there are millions of ways of making money. --- 1287-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most clever, > > Are there any good anagrams for my name? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's find out... } ========== } } shell13 ~ [19:13:09] # anagram -ff supplicant } } cant slip up } catnip plus } inputs clap } plastic pun } lapps tunic } cat pulp sin } clan pus pit } nut lip caps } pa lips **** } } DONE } ========== } } Whew! Thank goodness I used the Family Friendly flag! } } You owe the Oracle some lip balm. --- 1287-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > Cave trolls for twenty bucks!! They're practically giving them > away! What's the catch? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } CATCH OF THE DAY } } Hobbit $8.95 } Elf $12.95 } Dwarf $9.95 } Orc $3.95 } Human $10.95 } Wizard $95.00[1] } } You owe the Oracle a decent tip. } } [1] Sorry, sold out. --- 1287-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does the "oracle+staff@cs.indiana.edu" address from the office memo > Oracularity work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm. I'd ask Mephistpostofficeles. He's our mailer daemon. } } You owe the Oracle a luciferwarding address. --- 1287-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most fibrous and regular: > > Would you please tell me how the digestion is proceeding? > > Here in the far flung reaches of the world your absence is deeply felt. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The process of Oracular digestion: } } 1) Email-bot chews up questions and answers to form bolus, special } enzymes in saliva ensure questions and answers match together. } 2) Boluses travel through the wires of the esophagus to the stomach } server. } 3) Emails are stored on stomach server, where strong acid destroys } all references to woodchucks. } 4) Various juices from pacreas and liver remove hotmail footers and } such like. } 5) The remainder travels through the intestines where all the good } stuff is taken out to be assimilated into the next digest. } 6) The rest is dumped. } } You owe the Oracle some radioctive ascii characters, so he can easily } track the progress of individual questions.