From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sat Aug 9 22:36:11 2003 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6p2/8.11.6/IUCS_2.49) id h7A36WU28128; Sat, 9 Aug 2003 22:06:32 -0500 (EST) Date: Sat, 9 Aug 2003 22:06:32 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200308100306.h7A36WU28128@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1330 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1330 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1330 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 09 Aug 2003 22:06:18 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1330 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1325 57 votes 3cej9 3lk94 0cph3 4hdh6 69idb 39kl4 0bfid 3afja 26vb7 69ng3 1325 3.2 mean 3.3 2.8 3.2 3.1 3.2 3.2 3.6 3.4 3.3 3.0 --- 1330-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh master of all knowledge who can tell a mule from a donkey from a > platypus, > > "On mules we find two legs behind, > And two we find before. > We stand behind before we find, > What the two behind be for!" > > Since I don't have a mule, I can't find out. What are they for? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They be for supporting the mule. Perfect proof of "intelligent } design theory". They are precisely long enough to reach the ground. } Any longer and the mule wold be stuck, any shorter and it would be } defying physics. } } You owe the Oracle a book by Richard Dawkins. --- 1330-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I grapple at this grovel, > while I digest my dinner. > The food has got me spinning, > and surely I'm not grinning. > > Could the butter have been bad, > or was it something else I had? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your dinner rolls were day-old, } and underneath, all bread mold. } The potatoes had been spat in } 'cause your waiter was a bad 'un. } } The chef's incont'nent birdie } got the gravy ladle dirty. } Your pork had trichinosis } and strychnine in two doses. } } Plus the broccoli was rotten, } that candy was real cotton, } it was a bad year for the wine -- } but the butter? That was fine. --- 1330-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most mighty, > > What is Avacado's Number? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's the number of atoms in 12 grams of guacamole. --- 1330-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hark the Oracle is about to share with us some more of his > wisdom! All fall silent and be heedful, > > How does an angry squirrel differ from a bank teller on fire? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } One's a worrying banker and the other's a burying... oh, never mind. --- 1330-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You master of all animals big and small, > > Can you imagine an imaginary menagerie manager imagining managing an > imaginary menagerie? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'd rather postulate on the possibility of the poster of that } particular poser being poleaxed in the posterior posthumously. --- 1330-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Okay, I know what the Schroedingers Cat experiment was, but I still > need to know what the name of the cat was. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, I think you are placing too much importance on this } question. } } We all know that there is only a 50% chance that the cat is alive. } } But alive or dead, it's still a cat, and there's a 0% chance of it } actually coming when you call. } } You owe the Oracle Occam's Can Opener. --- 1330-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Grand Oracle, your words when they appear on my > terminal drive for their duration away the droll > plodding grey fog that is existence; > > What does the Gallows God like for breakfast? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Gallows God goes on the commercial circuit: } } REPORTER: Hey Odin, you just had your one millionth sacrificial victim } hanged, what're you going to do now? } ODIN: I'm going to Disneyland! } [Orrie changes channel] } ODIN: You know, being a Gallows God takes a lot of work. And those } lightning bolts are hot. } VOICEOVER: Stress stinks! Arid works! } ODIN: That's why I'm glad I have a deodorant that can handle my activity } level. } VOICEOVER: Designed for a man, but strong enough for a God. } [*Flip*, and of course] } ODIN: It takes a lot of strength to be a God, that's why I like to start } off every day with a big bowl of Wheaties! } } You owe the Oracle exclusive rights to the Odin action figure and lunch } box markets. --- 1330-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, none but you are great enough to answer this. In fact, > whenever I think about it, I'm amazed at your greatness. Great. Great. > Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. > Great. Great. Great. You're so great that I didn't even using copy and > paste to type all those great's. Why? Because you're that great. In > fact, you're so great that I'm sure you'll give me a great answer to > this question. > > How does numerology work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It works great. } } You owe the Oracle a grater. --- 1330-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle, revealer of secrets, > > How can I gain an understanding of women? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You would think that the easiest way to understand a woman would be } to convince her to climb a ladder; however in practice, doing this } can be very difficult. I suggest the following process. } } STEP 1: Wait for said woman to point out that a) the house needs } painting, b) the gutters need cleaning, or c) the roof needs } re-shingling. } } STEP 2: Suggest that she take care of this herself. } } STEP 3: Go buy a dozen apology roses, a ladder, and the appropriate } equipment for whichever of a-c was uttered in STEP 1. } } STEP 4: Give roses to said woman, apologize, and say that you'll take } care of the task yourself. } } STEP 5: Spend several weeks watching TV instead. } } STEP 6: Buy a dozen more apology roses. And a cane: the reason for } this will become clear later on. } } STEP 7: Give roses to said woman, apologize, and say that you'll } stop procrastinating. } } STEP 8: Set up ladder next to the house. } } STEP 9: Array other supplies next to the ladder. } } STEP 10: Spend several weeks watching TV. } } STEP 11: Buy a dozen more apology roses. } } STEP 12: Give roses to said woman, apologize, and say that you'll } stop procrastinating. } } STEP 13: Climb ladder. } } STEP 14: Fall to the ground and break your back. I mean, you should } have known better than to climb a ladder in STEP 13. } } STEP 15: Scream loudly. The woman will see that your back is broken } and conclude that she must do the chore herself. } } STEP 16: Now you're almost done: the woman is technically above you. } Now you just need to stand, which is what the cane you bought in STEP } 6 is for. Congratulations! You are the first person to understand } a woman. } } STEP 17 (optional): Since the woman did do the chore for you AND drive } you to the hospital after it was done, you might want to consider } getting another dozen roses. If you've been using the punch card } that your rose vendor gave you, they should be half off too. } } STEP 18: Repeat process for any other women that you wish to } understand. } } Wasn't that easy? } } You owe the Oracle a dozen roses with a card that says "Dear Lisa, } I'm sorry I've been procrastinating." --- 1330-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most stunning, whose every word is a sonic orgasm in the > ears of your lowly supplicant, whose face could launch every ship ever > built, whose eyes have more power than Superman wearing contact > lenses, whose mind is more vast than the wide reaches of space and > contains more information than all the libraries in the universe, > whose personality is so charming that the very birds in the trees and > beasts of the sea and earth would die for you, whose hand are more > deft and sure than a master craftsman on his best day, whose garden is > always neatly pruned and tasteful, whose coffers are full of more > wealth than Croesus himself, whose staff of *ZOT* could knock a > Irishman down faster than ten bottles of whisky, whose computer never > crashes even if running Windows 95, whose girlfriend is the rarest and > most beautiful of all, and whose capacity for wonder and brilliance is > beyond measure... > > Oh bugger, I forgot what I was going to ask. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't worry, many supplicants get tongue-tied by my granduer. Luckily, } I know what you were going to ask. } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } >What question am I going to ask you? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } You're not going to ask me a question. You're going to forget what } } it was you were going to ask. } } } } You owe the Oracle a grovel to go along with your question. } } You owe the Oracle a question to go along with your grovel. Knowing } your intentions, we'll call it even.