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From: Internet Oracle <oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu>
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1411
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=== 1411 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1411
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 11 Sep 2006 22:15:45 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
    1411
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1406  35 votes 47c66 27cc2 16h83 3db71 b6963 25ad5 0497f 2aca1 25da5 37ab4
1406  3.1 mean  3.1   3.1   3.2   2.7   2.5   3.4   3.9   2.9   3.3   3.2

--- 1411-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What should I do tomorrow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nothing.
}
} It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it
} doesn't take any at all to just sit there staring at
} a wall.
}
} You owe the Oracle some dark curtains.

--- 1411-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh, Oricle, without whom I would be naught...
>
> When will Strongbad make another Sweet Cuppin' Cakes cartoon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, I want you to stop for a minute.
}
} Look around you. Look at Israel and Lebanon, Iraq, Iran and Syria. Look
} at civil wars in Africa and slavery in eastern Europe. Think about
} corruption in government, vast inequities in wealth and a philosophy of
} life that encourages hatred, dishonesty and strife. Now take a look
} again at your "Strongbad" cartoons. Maybe you'll notice that, seen from
} this perspective, they're just totally insignificant. Especially
} compared to the new episodes of Futurama coming out. I mean, how long
} have we been waiting for those? It's going to be nuts!
}
} You owe the Oracle a futuristic one-eared bunny.

--- 1411-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Mighty and wonderful are you, O Oracle. Older and sager than I, are
> you.
>
> Help me with my problems, you can, hope I. Powerful Jedi being, if
> short, green, bald and wrinkled am, what good is? All cute girls,
> other Jedis get. Married Princess Leia, I should have. Chewbacca stuck
> with, I am instead.
>
> No good plastic surgeons, in Dagobah are. Help finding them as well as
> good toupees and growth hormones, I need.
>
> Oh, good, cheap Viagra I desire as well. Thanks!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, if the Viagra were all you wanted, I'd simply recommend that you
} sign up with AOL, and then you'd soon have more offers of that,
} conveniently delivered to your e-inbox, than you'd know what to do
} with. But it looks like your problem is somewhat wider in scope, and
} so, I believe, a more comprehensive solution is necessary.
}
} Hm, let's see: short, green, bald, wrinkled, virginal, powerful Jedi
} being, bizarre sentence structure... y'know, you sound a lot like that
} little guy in, what was it, Star Trek? His name was, uh, Yo-Yo Da, or
} something like that. I think he played the cello. You wouldn't happen
} to be related, would you? Lechery does tend to run in families, so I
} guess not.
}
} But anyway, back to your problem. My dear supplicant, you seem to be
} trying to deny your true nature. Modern cosmetic medicine, even that of
} civilization in a galaxy far, far away, can only do so much-- doctors
} aren't magicians. You'll never be able to overcome the simple fact of
} your own species, so I suggest that you embrace it. Come out of the
} closet (you couldn't hide in it if your life depended on it, anyway)
} and meet others who share your plight; in them, you will surely find
} empathy, and perhaps, if you are lucky, you will even find love. And a
} few years from now, perhaps you'll form a community of short, green,
} bald, wrinkled people from all over the universe, dedicated to creating
} awareness, promoting tolerance, and, in general, making all of creation
} a nicer place for short, green, bald, wrinkled people (dang, would it
} kill that Luke Georges guy to give the species a friggin' name?) to
} live in.
}
} And yes, I'm sure you don't relish the prospect of dating females as,
} er, homely as you, but hey, let's be realistic. What are your options?
} Upload a couple hundred totally bogus profiles to Match.com? You'd only
} be getting your hopes up uselessly; each relationship would inevitably
} end on a very sudden, tragic note as soon as whatever poor sap you
} hoodwinked into thinking you were Leonardo DiCaprio saw you for the
} hideous little abortion you really are.
}
} You owe the Oracle (along as the rest of the universe) a good
} explanation as to why you talk like that. Isn't several centuries of
} life enough time to learn proper syntax?

--- 1411-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Both Donnas I've ever known have been very tall redheads.
> All three Rachels have been long black haired and hot.
>
> Why is that??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Having Alzheimer's means you can date the gals at
} The Home over and over again. And each time it's a
} new experience.

--- 1411-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O mercifully substance-less (but by no means insubstantial) Oracle,
>
> Can you help me stay clean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant:
}
} Welcome to Oracle Drug Abuse Treatment; Helping Unlock Recovery To
} Supplicants  (ODATHURTS).
}
} Here at ODATHURTS, we pride ourselves on our comprehensive treatment
} program. We are unique, in that we not only treat the addiction, but
} also the causes and the results of the addiction with equal vigor. We
} are proud of our 100% success rate, and will use all our divine powers
} to maintain it.
}
} ODATHURTS consists of 3 distinct programs:
}
} Causes:
}       Here at ODATHURTS, we understand that supplicants use drugs for
} reasons, and that if you don't remove those reasons, the supplicant
} will continue to use. We therefore use all means necessary to remove
} those reasons. For example, Mrs. J. Doe took to drinking heavily
} because her husband was always criticizing her for failing to live up
} to his expectations. We therefore arranged for Mr. Doe to trip over the
} cat in the kitchen. In falling, he neatly lobotomized himself with the
} screwdriver he was holding. Since that time, Mr. Doe has had no
} expectations at all, and has therefore nothing to criticize his wife
} about.
}
} Results:
}     We at ODATHURTS also understand that it can be difficult to live
} with the consequences of the behaviors engaged in while under the
} influence, and we endeavor to help the supplicant with this as well.
} For instance, one evening while high, Mr. T. Roe insulted his mother,
} thinking she was some kind of spider creature. Since that time, every
} time she looks at him, he can see the disappointment and hurt in her
} eyes, and he found that unbearable. How did ODATHURTS help? Well, since
} the ravens attacked her and ate her eyes, Mr. T. will never have to
} endure that look again.
}
} Drug & Alcohol use:
}     ODATHURTS believes that once the causes and results of addiction
} are dealt with, addiction can be dealt with using a simple cost/benefit
} analysis by the supplicant. Simply put, if we make it expensive enough
} for the supplicant to use drugs and alcohol, they will, by themselves,
} make the choice not to use. Therefore, we have devised a system of
} fines and penalties, which we will start to apply as soon as this
} letter is read. Examples:
}
} Act                                   Penalty
} -----                                 -------
} A stiff drink on first reading this   $100
} Each drink thereafter                 Hit with a brick
} Eating White Sugar                    Attacked by rabid woodchucks
} Public Drunkenness                    Beaten with baseball bat
} Drinking Caffeinated beverage         Struck by lightning
} Taking Caffeine Pills                 Tarred and Feathered
} Smoking Cigarette                     Buried in anthill for 24 hours
} Using Nicotine Patch                  Volcano in living room
} Smoking Joint                         Liver eaten by eagle
} Snorting Cocaine                      Legs eaten by carnivorous squid
} Smoking Crack                         Arms eaten by carnivorous plant
} Smoking Opium                         Skin turns plaid
} Shooting Heroin                       Social ostracism
}
} For a complete schedule of acts and penalties, see the ODATHURTS
} handbook, which we have conveniently placed beneath your pillow.
}
} Once again, welcome, supplicant! We're sure you'll soon be so happy
} with our program, that like Mr. G. Foo you'll be running through the
} streets advertising our service by shouting "ODATHURTS! Please, Please
} Stop! ODATHURTS"
}
} You owe the Oracle, but don't worry - we'll be round to collect sooner
} or later.

--- 1411-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> The noble goose flaps its magnetic wings evey now and then as it
> floats past the Cygnic Tower, which glows like fire..

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...lit from within by a bank of high-intensity red and amber LEDs!
} (Batteries not included.)  Set comes with everything you see here; for
} even more fun, try accessories like:
}
} --Interchangeable wings in every color of the rainbow, and even a
}   special glow-in-the-dark set for night flights!
}
} --Noble Gander, the Noble Goose's mate!
}
} --Set of three Noble Goslings with their own tiny magnetic wings!
}
} --Swan Conversion Kit, to show off the inner nobility of your Geese!
}
} Also check out the sinister but kindly Corvae set, for more hours of
} storytelling fun!

--- 1411-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> George Bush doesn't care about black people!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am uncertain where the question lies here (or the
} grovel, but never mind that.) Do you want me to verify
} your statement? Or give you the means to do that
} yourself?
}
} * ZOT *
}
} Either way, now that you're charcoal-black, you can
} drop him a line yourself and see if he cares.
}
} You owe the Oracle a grovel, a question mark, and
} something to remove these greasy stains from the carpet.

--- 1411-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, I ride the bus to work every day, and there's a woman
> who gets off at the same stop I do.  I'm never sure whether I should
> ring the bell or let her ring the bell.  Or should I let her ring the
> bell every other day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and you ask me this? Why of
} course you should ring the bell yourself. Doing this will register
} that it is /your/ stop and she had better get her own, thus ending
} your dilemma.

--- 1411-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How many people fell in love in September 11th?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tennis really isn't an autumn sport.
} ~O~

--- 1411-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh most fast and efficient oracle, you run on cycles of a better
> quality than Lance himself,
>
> Are you a proper program, or merely a script?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course I am a proper program! And not just any program, either. To
} get an understanding of the scale of the Oracle program, imagine
} Microsoft (I know it's painful, but go with me here).
}
} Then imagine Microsoft suddenly becoming productive enough to release a
} new version of Windows every three months, but doubling the number of
} bugs in every release (that part should be easy).
}
} Then imagine that two weeks before the actual release date for each
} version (i.e. about five months after the publicised release date - and
} yes, this does mean nearly two releases behind; just like it is now), a
} horde of outside programmers is issued a copy of the full source code.
} On paper. Printed in pale yellow ink, in 6 point type. In Wingdings.
} (I didn't say Microsoft had to *like* giving out their code...)
}
} Then imagine that in those two weeks they find and fix every single bug
} in time to have the complete service pack available on the release
} date.
}
} Then imagine that this keeps up for one hundred years.
}
} Now you have a faint idea the amount of programming effort it took to
} create the Internet Oracle. That you can have the gall to suggest that
} it might be a script that Kinzler slapped together in his spare time is
} both astonishing and appalling.
}
} Furtherm
}
} <error in oracle-reply.vbs: fatal disk error reading file notscrpt.txt>