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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1414
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=== 1414 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1414
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 23 Dec 2006 19:53:32 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
    1414
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1409  39 votes 38ca6 32be9 26cb8 3faa1 07ag6 6c795 3ad94 3ae66 4ag81 07df4
1409  3.2 mean  3.2   3.6   3.4   2.8   3.5   2.9   3.0   3.1   2.8   3.4

--- 1414-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "T. Gies" <tony.gies@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Tell me, oh internet oracle, why my employer insists that I use a
> laptop for my primary workstation but also insists that I do not need a
> battery with more than ten minutes of capacity.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All you need to do is cram your mind into an employer-sized brain in
} order to understand.  Like so:
}
} If you never leave your desk you're an internet-surfing drone like all
} the rest.  You need to be up and moving around and communicating with
} people, you know, making things happen.
}
} If you're never AT your desk you're probably at some cafe, surfing the
} internet over a latte while you're supposed to be working.  This is
} even worse than being at work and not working.
}
} Solution: give you a ten-minute tether in the form of a battery that's
} barely worth the name.  That way you can bustle around and be a good
} worker bee, but you won't be flying too far from the hive.
}
} Smart, huh?
}
} You owe the Oracle an oxymoron other than 'Managerial intelligence.'

--- 1414-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
> blessed of Allah
> former room-mate of Jehovah
> and he who beats Buddah at poker every Saturday night,
>
> I have the 17 gallons of whipped cream you asked for,
> and the extra-large tub full of baby oil,
> but the one hundred and forty four dancing George W Bushes are proving
> to be a bit of a problem.
> Can you suggest an acceptable substitute?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's good to see you honour your obligations Supplicant. I must have
} worded my payment less specifically that your limited human faculties
} could comprehend.
}
} One hundred and forty-four dancing Geoge W Bushes (Me, what was I
} thinking?) are required for a little party I'm holding next week. See
} what you can knock up with some latex and a troupe of actors, I'm sure
} you'll do fine.
}
} Of course, if you truly do intend to impress then you'll need to
} capture Georgie boy and clone him one hundred and forty-three times,
} then convince them all to dance for me. (Just mention the codeword
} OracleSatanSlander and he'll do anything you tell him to.)
}
} Good luck, and remember, you'll have to have them ready for next week!
}
} -----
} You owe the Oracle one hundred and forty-four dancing Allahs, Jehovahs
} and Buddahs for the same party, one cathedral sized disco and
} appropriate medical equipment for the mortal guests in case they
} nearly die laughing. You also owe the Oracle an embarrasing cocktail
} recipe.

--- 1414-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> All the world's nuclear weapons are dumped in a hole and go off the
> same time.
>
> How much land is melted?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An exposition, first.
}
} The Mulrics have been living on the piece of drifting rock known to
} Earthlings only as Meteor E829.3 since time immemorial. They were not a
} warring people - there can be little ground disputes when your planet
} is 100 meters across - and dedicated their lives to quiet
} contemplation. Until, that is, they became aware of the Issue, which
} was this:
}
}       E829.3's impending collision with the planet Earth.
}
} Now, this was an Issue on Earth as well. But it was much greater an
} issue for the Mulrics. The collision was expected to bring about the
} death of merely 90% of all Earthlings - but 100% of all Mulrics.
} Clearly, this could not be tolerated. Thus, a plan of sorts was formed:
}
} The Mulrics, cleverly disguised using false mustaches, would purchase
} or steal all of Earth's nuclear weapons, dump them into a hole, and set
} them off at the same time. Earth will be shattered and E829.2 ("home")
} will proceed unharmed.
}
} The first part of the program was easily carried out. Armed with
} nothing more than false mustaches, the green, 1-meter tall,
} hymenopteran aliens had *no problem* securing the entirety of the
} world's nuclear weapons. They were rather shocked.
}
} The second part of the program proved a little more difficult. Early
} drilling in downtown Manhattan drew far too much attention, mostly from
} tourists who insisted on having their picture taken. After further
} experimentation in various alternative urban environments failed, the
} Mulric leader, McMulric, came up with a better location: Great Sandy
} Desert, Australia.
}
} From here own things ran smoothly. Under the banner "Nobody Cares A
} Whit About Australia", the Mulrics were able not only to dig a massive
} hole, but also to oppress the entire local population, both of whom
} turned out to ask for a cup of sugar. Having dug their hole, the
} Mulrics set a detonator, and were soon off to their home on E829.3.
}
} On this day was born the famous cry, "It's a bird... It's a plane...
} It's Australia!"
}
} Unfortunately, the answer to your question above turned out to be: "not
} nearly enough". Furthermore, upon their return to their home meteor
} (soon to be -ite), the Mulrics were arrested by IRA officials, having
} been charged with the illegal importation of false-false mustaches
} (United States Tax Code, Part B, Section DXXII, Item 3485, "Jocular
} Paraphernalia"). In their much publicized trial, the Mulric defense
} claimed that:
}
} A. Being extraterrestrial aliens, the Mulrics were exempt from the US
}    Tax Code.
} B. They were all going to die.
}
} After giving due consideration, the court accepted the latter argument,
} but not the former, and sentenced the entire Mulric population to 13
} minutes of jail time, following which everybody died.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new species.

--- 1414-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Orrie, I want to modify the local gravity field under my studio
> apartment. It'll be fun, but will my neighbors get pissed? And on the
> off chance that a knife rack is over a neighbor when I turn gravity
> back on, well I just don't want that kind of responsibility.. What
> should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Did the Japanese hesitate before they attacked Pearl Harbor? Did
} Lucifer second-guess himself as his troops approached the Throne of
} God? Did Hitler postpone the blitzkrieg before taking Poland, because
} he had a doubt? No!
}
} You have to recognize that if you don't do this, your neighbor will. So
} when the gravity gives out, and all roads to victory become tough, will
} you be the one laying helpless under your knife rack, or will you be
} the one triumphantly flipping the gravity back on and laughing as the
} knifes fall? The choice is yours.
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of safety knives.

--- 1414-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Is Christmas really the most wonderful time of the year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you're a kid, yes without question.
}
} If you're a cynic, no.
}
} If you're a Scrooge then no, quite the opposite in fact.
}
} If you're a Santa in a large department store, then probably yes.
}
} If you're a Santa in the street then maybe yes.
}
} If you're drunk, have a large white beard and tend to wear red, then
} only if you like kids and seem relatively focused.
}
} If you're old St. Nick, no, no and no again! Spending all year getting
} ready for the Big Night then giving bad gifts in poor taste to the
} thankless masses is not Santa's idea of a good night out. In fact,
} Nick only does this because a few centuries back he was unwise enough
} to ask this question:
}
} Wouldn't it be nice if everyone got a gift on Christmas?
}
} To which I replied, of course, 'Yes. You owe the Oracle - and all of
} the world - a Christmas gift each Christmas.
}
} So, back to your question, Supplicant, it all depends on your
} perspective. Which will be quite similar to Nick's from now on - I'll
} get you in touch.
}
} -----
} You owe the Oracle - and all of the world - a most wonderful time of
} the year each Christmas. You can start by getting rid of those blasted
} carol singers and taking my mind off those tacky gifts Nicky boy was
} trying to foist on me.

--- 1414-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Wonderful Oracle, I'll know it's you by the absence of any advertising
> at the bottom.  I'm tired of imitations.
>
> How many times must I propose to my girlfriend before she accepts?
> It's getting kinda tiring....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <html><div style='background-color:'><DIV class=RTE>
} <P><BR>you have to work on yourself first. also, talk to her and find
} out why she won't accept. then take action!</P>
} <P>you owe the oracle an engagemant ring.&nbsp; (by the way there IS no
} real oracle. questions are all answered by users.)<BR></P></DIV>
} </div><br clear=all><hr>Download now!
} Visit to enter and see how cool it is to get Messenger with you on your
} cell phone. </html>

--- 1414-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle: What is the relation between tied-up bundles of sticks
> and homosexuals?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Very good, assuming the bundles of sticks are adult and consenting, and
} they've been very, very bad boys...
}
} You owe the Oracle a comment on the relation between dams and female
} homosexuals.

--- 1414-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I am perplex by the following question:
>
> What do server farms raise?
>
> I feel that only the great and mighty and all-seeing and all-knowing
> Oracle can answer it.
>
> Please do so. I submit a thousand post-it notes as a humble offering.
> (My job has more to be stolen if you require them.)
>
> Good day, oh high and mighty one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The temperature.

--- 1414-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Orrie, two questions: Has anyone been tortured by rocket exhaust
> before?
>
> And, can you die from not sleeping?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know something Wondergirl you should have thought about
} this ~before~ you married Rocketman. For now the Oracle
} suggests separate bedrooms, or a powerful air freshener
} at least.
}
} You owe the Oracle an open window.

--- 1414-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> God must be an engineer, why else would so many animals follow similar
> patterns with only minor modifications?
>
> Kangaroo is just an economy-sized walley.
>
> Hippo/rhino body plan is the same, don't know why the latter has horns.
> Triceratops horn pattern also reused, in different animal.
>
> Mammoth, oversized elephant.
>
> And the donkey(ass)/horse/zebra/unicorn/pony works very well so no
> need to change.
>
> Okay, unicorn was discontinued.
>
> And we also have a nice selection of cats.. Don't know why saber-tooth
> died out, impractical prolly.
>
> How bout woodpeckers, their tounge goes all the way around their heads!
> (and through their skull) He must have been *drunk* while on the
> drafting board..
>
> And dogs don't really exist, they're just domesticated wolves.
>
> But why'd he let all the showroom models eat each other?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} < scene: a typical grimy parts yard, corrugated metal
}    wall around it, dirt parking lot, waiting room is a
}    porch like affair near a filthy trailer, huge sign
}    above says "Yo!Way's Spare Parts" >
}
} Yo!Way: Hey, parts ain't cheap.
}
} [ Angel holding a rat tail in his hand looks down at
}    it forlornly ]
}
} Angel: Look, I gotta get this creature up and running
}         soon. This tail, it just don't cut it.
}
} Yo!Way: I think I got something around da back you'll
}          like.
}
} [ The two trudge into The Yard piles of creatures are
}    scattered haphazardly about, rhinos, octopus, gnats,
}    bears, tiburons, eagles. . .]
}
} Angel: Hey how about this?
}
} Yo!Way: You kiddin' me, right? That's a cayman tail, pure
}          reptile. That thing ya got there, came from a
}          mammalian body. Am I right?
}
} Angel: Well yeah, but erm, I needed a repo system and I
}         got one over at Ol' Nick's and dang if he didn't
}         give me one that lays eggs!
}
} Yo!Way: Ol' Nick's!! I outta run ya outta the yard right
}          now. Serves you right dealing with that pack of
}          two bit scavengers.
}
} [ Yo!Way stops by a pile of woodchucks and beavers, he
}    tosses them about. How many? Hard to say. ]
}
} Yo!Way: I thought I had a spare muskrat. Ah heck, here
}          take this. 50 souls. Plus tax of course.
}
} Angel: A beaver tail?
}
} Yo!Way: Sure, it'll work. Besides that thing ya got is
}          all kinda wack as is. And beaver and tail, well
}          they sorta a thing, like milk and honey you knows?
}          That thing does make milk, right?
}
} Angel: Yes. But the snout isn't working right. So once I
}         slap on this tail, I'll have to work on the other
}         end.
}
} Yo!Way: I got some mallard bills that I gotta get rid of
}          like right now. You take the beaver tail and I'll
}          throw in some bills for half of what they cost me.
}
} Angel: <sighs> Ok, Ok. Bill me.
}
} [ fade to black ]