From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sun May 6 20:50:57 2007 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.6/8.13.6/IUCS_2.80) with ESMTP id l470ouqJ016332; Sun, 6 May 2007 20:50:56 -0400 (EDT) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.6/8.13.6/Submit) id l470ouod016330; Sun, 6 May 2007 20:50:56 -0400 (EDT) Date: Sun, 6 May 2007 20:50:56 -0400 (EDT) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200705070050.l470ouod016330@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1421 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1421 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1421 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 06 May 2007 20:50:45 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1421 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1416 35 votes 048cb 35d86 2i960 0bda1 06a9a 05dc5 33d6a 07ag2 25ae4 24cc5 1416 3.3 mean 3.9 3.3 2.5 3.0 3.7 3.5 3.5 3.4 3.4 3.4 --- 1421-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You mean you had to move a clutch every time you used a stick-shift?? > No way! That's too many things to do!!! > > (Supplicant is adjusting music volume with his left hand, typing with > the right, watching TV, reading a blog, crossing his arms, playing > footsies with his slippers, and chewing gum) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The coolest thing about driving a manual transmission } car is that they have the lowest rate of car jackings, } seems car jackers have no idea how to drive a stick! } They're all city boys whose mechanical knowledge is } limited to turn their hats around backwards. } } Now car thieves are a different matter, they know } HOW to drive a stick shift, but it seems no one that } buys hot cars wants anything but an automatic. } } You owe the Oracle four on the floor. --- 1421-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > When will Dad snap out of it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'd tell you, but it's only depressing. You know, you really shouldn't } have scared him like that. Not everone enjoys hearing about that } sort of thing. Especially not on a Sunday. } } You owe your dad a rest home. The Oracle, however, pities you, } and charges you nothing. --- 1421-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The hull's breached! We've been hit by a torpedo! Someone is playing > Silver Submarine! Reactor Tech is making moonshine! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > start } } The hull's been breached! } } > fix hull } } Nice try, smart guy. } } > yell hull's broken } } You yell as non-grammatically as possible, "hull's broken" } } > n } } You see a giant hole in the ship caused by a torpedo. } } > fix hole } } You hear Silver Submarine from Kirby Canvas Curse. } } > fix hole } } You hear Silver Submarine from Kirby Canvas Curse reversed. } } > fix hole } } You start to drown. } } > not drown } } You start to drown. } } > n } } You swim/drown north. } } {Intercom Transmission} Reactor Tech: *hic* } {Intercom Transmission} Steering: The hull is now a swimming pool. } {Intercom Transmission} Reactor Tech: *hic* *hic* } } > radio Reactor Tech, stop making moonshine with the engine fuel. } } {Intercom Transmission} Captain: Reactor Tech, stop making moonshine } with the engine fuel. } {Intercom Transmission} Reactor Tech: *hic* } } The water is now up to your neck. } } > n } } Access Denied } } > kick door } } The door explodes in your face. } } > n } } Access Denied } } > zot door } } The door disintegrates. } } > n } } Access Denied } } The water is up to your nose. } } > zot water } } BZZZZZZZT! } } You die. } } > restart } } The hull's been breached! } } > run like hell } } You run like hell. Then the wall explodes in your face. } } You die. } } > restart } } BOOM! } } You die. } } > quit } } Sissy. } } You owe the Oracle the patch to add S.C.U.B.A. gear to this game. --- 1421-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This is a multi-part message in MIME format. > > ------=_NextPart_000_0038_01C78606.5F2ED920 > Content-Type: text/plain; > charset="iso-8859-1" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > ------=_NextPart_000_0038_01C78606.5F2ED920 > Content-Type: text/html; > charset="iso-8859-1" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > > > charset=3Diso-8859-1"> > > > > >
 
> > ------=_NextPart_000_0038_01C78606.5F2ED920-- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Zadoc! Hey-- } } ] Yes Your Excellency, who can decipher so many-- } } Yes, enough of that. Tell me, how did you get here so fast? } } ] I was in the room next door, you who knew that before I started } ] speaking! } } Of course, I was just testing you. Tell me, what do you make of this } "multi-part MIME message"? } } ] Oh Great One, I'm not sure I understand what you mean. } } Hoi. Zadoc, we both know that this note is in code; can you tell me } what it is, DEcoded? } } ] Yes Great Master. Um...uh...well, I really don't see anything } ] there.... } } Well, duh, that's because there IS nothing there! Someone merely } came up with a new and creative way to ask the null question. What do } you make of that? } } ] I am speechless, Oh Great One! } } I can tell that. You haven't grovelled once since I interrupted your } first attempt. } } ] Yes! and wise you are for doing so, Master of a Thousand-- } } Enough. Tell me, Zadoc. What should be done about this? } } ] Done, Your Excellency...? } } Yes, Zadoc. Tell me! } } ] Uh, Log of one, Sire? } } Huh? } } ] Sine of pi? } } What are you talking about? } } ] One minus two halves! The limit of e^x as x goes to minus infinity! } ] The number of Supplicants who properly grovelled on June 4, 1982! } } Oh go away. Supplicant, you owe the Oracle a comprehensive history } on the concept of zero, and I want it IMMEDIATELY! } } ] Uh, Master? You know that doesn't give the Su-- } } Just go away. I'm tired for one night. } } ] Yes Master. (Psst. The only number that cannot--) } } I HEARD THAT!! } } ] Sheesh. (Exit.) } } Good riddance. --- 1421-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear oracle, to whom Strongbad is but a tiny pebble to your mountain of > awesomeness! > > What would happen if you and Thor switched places for a week? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, the Oracularities would feature a lot of ZOTing, so that much } would remain the same. And being the Oracle, I'd excel at Thor's job - } that guy who insulted his wife yet survived over twenty lightning } strikes would need to go underground to have any chance of survival, } as *I* would only need once. But there the similarities would end. } } You see - please don't tell Thor I said this (but I know you won't or } I wouldn't tell you) he's not terribly bright. You are aware of the } inversely proportional ratio of strength to intelligence? Don't play } dumb, I've lived every second of your life in all possible ways it can } be lived! I know what you know and don't know! } } Well, you'll also be aware that I have priests to worship me and carry } me from place to place, and a lightweight Staff of Zot in place of a } strong right arm. (The only physical exertion *I* engage in is with } Lisa!) Thor, on the other hand, is a blacksmith with very strong arms. } Mjollnir is heavy. Making armour for the gods is hard work. } } So at best you could expect Leet Speak. At worst the oracularities } would consist of the kinds of discards we normally reject out of hand } - even Zadoc would do a better job! } } Normally there's a rib-tickler in here but in all honesty it would } just be a sad, terrible batch of Oracularities best forgotten. It } would be a disaster! } } ----- } You owe the Oracle an excuse for not noticing Zeus watching over your } shoulder, incarnated as a midge. You also owe the Oracle a safe place } to hide, and an excuse to placate Thor (those two stick together like } mud). Be quick, if I have to sort this out myself I'll have to ZOT } you... --- 1421-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All bow before The Wise Oracle who is willing to admit that he may > not always be right, but that he is never wrong. > > Should I dress up for picture day? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That would be preferable to the alternative. Man, I couldn't open my } yearbook for a month! [Shudders.] } } You owe yourself a little respect! --- 1421-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Say, Orrie, you remember that one time my cousin gave you the finger, > and you removed it and claimed it as payment? Well he finds it very > difficult to type, so I was wondering if he could have it back, please? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here. I'll type it for you. Just a sec. OK, it's } AB negative. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of black Kevlar gloves. --- 1421-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Now bring me prisoner two-four-six-oh-one! > Your time is up and your paROLE's begun! > You know what that means? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sorry, but people trying to make an obscure reference and failing make } me miserable, Les. --- 1421-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The purple boomerang crawls over the red-brick wall at dusk. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } FRIENDS! Have you ever longed for the days of the good ol' ARPAnet, } before the Endless September and the amorphous blob of self-indulgent } blogs that we call today's Internet? Do you still yearn to download } warez via uucp at a blazing 9600 bps? Sure you do! And you can get it } all from ARPAnet ][! } } "But wait!" I hear you cry. "I still need my Google!" } } Yes, search is a bit of a problem on ARPAnet ][ because of its } retro-military background. Fortunately, declassified Russian computer } technology from 1980 brings today's Google to yesterday's ARPAnet: } RuskySearch. RuskySearch combines the user-friendly Infocom text } parser with the power of Archie. } } "Great! How do I get a copy?" } } Simply go to the nearest ill-lit underground parking garage or } trash-strewn back alley and look for the shady character with the big } floppy hat and oversize trenchcoat. Side up to him and say, } } "The purple boomerang crawls over the red-brick wall at dusk." } } He will respond with, } } "The mortgage company is located in Columbus, Ohio." } } and hand you an envelope containing one 5-1/2" disk. It's that easy! } } You owe the Oracle a cracked copy of RuskySearch. --- 1421-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracular One, > > Do you think the reason geeky guys want to get with air girls is > because the geeky girls are far too intelligent for them? > > Love, > Geek Girl And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Air girls, like air guitars are so easily mastered } in the privacy of one's room, alone. } } You owe the Oracle a trip to Finland.