From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Jul 31 09:48:50 2008 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.84) with ESMTP id m6VDmnLO016151; Thu, 31 Jul 2008 09:48:50 -0400 (EDT) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id m6VDmnH6016149; Thu, 31 Jul 2008 09:48:49 -0400 (EDT) Date: Thu, 31 Jul 2008 09:48:49 -0400 (EDT) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200807311348.m6VDmnH6016149@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1440 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1440 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1440 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 31 Jul 2008 09:48:38 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1440 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1435 34 votes 48895 35i44 3de31 26g91 47d64 15c79 69f31 18d84 34ac5 069b8 1435 3.1 mean 3.1 3.0 2.6 3.0 3.0 3.5 2.5 3.2 3.4 3.6 --- 1440-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what should I do, oh wise, all-seeing, all-knowing oracle.....what > SHOULD I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1. Don't panic. DON'T PANIC! Goodness. } 2. Call Jack Bauer. Or Chuck Norris, if you prefer, I guess. Or the } Ghostbusters, if you're into that sort of thing. } 3. Have a pizza party. } 4. Scrap the whole thing and write the Oracle again. You really are } just teasing me, right? --- 1440-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yes, but how do you tell the difference? Uh, I mean, how can *I* tell > the difference. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Place the larger of the two numbers ABOVE the lesser number, } then subtract. } } 1146554 } - 12345 } --------- } } You owe the Oracle a handstand after you solve the problem. --- 1440-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is your algorithm for distributing questions to incarnations? I > think I smell braindamage. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, basically, the questions go out to whomever signs up to answer } them. Sort of like "round-robin" scheduling, only some robins come to } the birdfeeder a lot more often than others. } } ... come to think of it, some the incarnations are do share a certain } "aviary neurology" characterstic with robins ... --- 1440-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are Tyrannosaurus and Oedipus relatives? It's just that they have > the same last name. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the first draft, yes, but Homer dismissed the idea, because } accidentally marrying your 7 ton lizard sister without noticing } really is a bit far out. --- 1440-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Any more stupid questions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's your forte, sport. --- 1440-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it better to win $1 million, or to be thrown from the top of the > Empire State Building with porcupines clawing at you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Winning the million definitely, though it might not seem } like it at first glance. The thrill of free falling with } a prickle(1) of "thorny pigs"(2) might at first sounds grand. } But think of the aftermath! PETA(3) would have you in court } faster than you could tell them an amusing and veraciously } topical joke(4). } } You the Oracle a conifer tree that has eaten too much. } } (1) Correct group terminology for porcupines } } (2) The word porcupine comes from the Middle French } porc d'e'pine meaning just that } } (3) Pains En The Ass, professional whiners that like } to throw buckets of fake blood on people that } do anything other than adore animals from afar } } (4) Q: How does a tent full of PETA members differ } from a porcupines? } A: A porcupine has all its pricks on the outside. --- 1440-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Rock set? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Paper. The Oracle wins again. } } The Oracle feels sufficient time has passed since World War } Two for him to reveal how his advice won the War for The } Allies. } } When Winston Churchill asked the Oracle for help he pointed } out that the Nazi salute was the hand sign for "paper" so } all Churchill had to do was get his people to flash the } 'scissors' sign (or V for Victory as he called it). Since } scissors trumps paper the allies would win. Of course this } all got muddled up when Stalin had his thug army start waving } their fists around above their heads as a 'rock' symbol. So } in the end Stalin could bash Churchill, but could be covered } by Hitler, who could be cut up by Churchill. This explains how } the USSR ended up with most of post-war Europe. } } The things you can learn here from the Oracle. } } You owe the Oracle an atomic bomb. --- 1440-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great and magnificentennial Oracle, what gives you the power, the > intestinal fortitude, to deal with my lousy questions without > complaining? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Vodka. And lots of it. } } You owe the Oracle a lot of vodka. --- 1440-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If the horse knows the way to carry the sleigh, why do I have to shell > out all this money for a GPS? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Obviously you are new to sleigh and carriage driving. The main } advantage over automotive transportation is that the horse has enough } sense to go straight down the road, if it is obvious, and not to wander } across a ditch or into a field. You need pay little attention, and can, } under most circumstances, carry on a conversation with your passengers } as easily as if you were driving your car down a sparsely travelled } highway, or even more so. You will need to assume direct control at } intersections or stoplights, and you'll have to take care not to "cut } corners" by letting the horse turn too soon, dragging the sleigh or } carriage into a ditch or wall as it follows more tightly in the turn } than the horse did. } } It's hard to get lost. The range you can cover in a day is usually less } than 100 miles, even changing horses, so if it's your own territory, } you won't go beyond the roads you already know. If you do get lost, you } need not roll down windows to shout at someone, "WHERE THE HECK ARE } WE?" Instead, with the sleigh, you'll be so chilled that you'll gladly } stop just about anywhere to warm up, and you can discuss your location } with the innkeeper or convenience-store manager. } } The major difficulty in the cold is your hands. One holds the reins, } the other the whip, and you hold them out in front of you, in the } chilling wind. Yes, you have gloves, but your fingers still freeze. The } horse chugs along merrily, sleighbells jingling, and needs only a bit } of water from time to time and a nice pile of hay and maybe some oats } at journey's end. You are hoping for a hot and strong drink. } } A sleigh going through the snow is almost totally silent, and thus you } need the sleighbells to warn pedestrians that you are sneaking up on } them. You could use the GPS for the same purpose, I suppose. If the } bells all had fallen off and your larynx were frozen, you could warn a } pedestrian in danger by throwing the GPS at his head. The ensuing light } concussion (assuming he wore a lightweight hat) would cause him to take } notice. } } You owe the Oracle a trained carriage horse who can do a mile in two } minutes forty seconds at the trot. "Two-forty for his speed." --- 1440-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you suppose that if Darwin had been dragged off to an extermination > camp as a part of a eugenics program (designed to eliminate people that > look like bearded gorillas), he would have ceased to be a Darwinist? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Eugenics came about -because- of Darwin, but he'd definitely } cease being anything if he was exterminated. What's even } more interesting is how this dense question proves Darwin } was right. See, questions that try really, really hard to } seem clever but fail horribly drive off incarnations that } have a low tolerance for ignorance. This leaves the field } open for the halt and the droll, which emboldens them to } generate even more. Think of gnats bothering a well-read } wolverine or a majestic artistically inclined moose so much } they move to a new less gnaty territory. Which means. . . } Ohmygawd. It means, I'm a retard too. } } Damn. } } You owe the Oracle an even bigger TV so he can watch more } flickering images set to thumpy music, today's equivalent } of staring into a fire ripped on datura as some other tribe } member beats on a log with a club, moaning. And swatting } at gnats.