From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Jan 5 13:44:05 2009 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.1/8.13.1/IUCS_2.87) with ESMTP id n05Ii5f3024423; Mon, 5 Jan 2009 13:44:05 -0500 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.1/8.13.1/Submit) id n05Ii5nT024420; Mon, 5 Jan 2009 13:44:05 -0500 Date: Mon, 5 Jan 2009 13:44:05 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200901051844.n05Ii5nT024420@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1450 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1450 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1450 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 05 Jan 2009 13:43:53 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1450 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1445 27 votes 12d65 037b6 57681 26748 35a54 06e61 038a6 04986 37692 6b811 1445 3.2 mean 3.4 3.7 2.7 3.4 3.1 3.1 3.7 3.6 3.0 2.3 --- 1450-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Was "Penn" Gillette named after an actual ballpoint pen? > Otherwise how do you explain the coincidence that the > Gillette company actually *manufactures* ballpoint pens? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OMG that's amazing! And all those Latin American girls } named Mercedes! That explains why Nazis fled there } after WWII -- to make cars! And Douglas Aircraft! They } were used at Fort MacArthur, California! A base named after } the father of "Douglas" MacArthur!!! And Gerber Knives } AND Gerber Baby food were both named after someone named } Gerber and you -do not- use knives to feed babies baby } food!!!!!! AND NO, THERE'S MORE! OMG!!! Ford motor cars } have been seen in the parking lot of StanFORD University } and there's a guy named STAN that goes there and HE DRIVES } A MERCEDES! And he's not German, but he thinks Latina girls } are way hot! And he doesn't have a baby, BUT HE DOES OWN } A KNIFE! AND A BALLPOINT PEN! AND HE SHAVES!!! YES! WITH } A GILLETTE RAZOR!!!! OMG! OMG!!!! IT'S LIKE AMAZING!!!!! } } Human brains are very good at finding patterns, heck they } see faces on french toast for crying out loud. There's } only so much stuff out there, and only so many words in } any given language. Of course there are tenuous links } between dang near anything and something else. It's any- } thing but amazing. It's just the way it is. } } You owe the Oracle a boat named The Mignonette and a } decent meal. Not french toast though, eating stuff with } a face on it kind of freaks the Oracle out. --- 1450-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > We know that the word irregardless is wrong. How can we get people to > use disregardless instead? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Language is very fluid. The whole idea of dictionaries is to } try and *slow* the mutation rate down enough so that parents } and their kids can sort of understand each other. Given this } low, but obtainable bar they've succeeded. So while the misuse } of words irks you it's like getting mad at the coastline for } changing shape, you're not going to win. New forms will appear, } others will vanish, somethings will for inexplainable reasons } remain the same for centuries, and words that once meant one } thing will now mean something totally different. Think in your } own lifespan how 'geek', 'ho', 'virus', and 'gothic' have } changed from what they meant when you were a child. But now } in the interest of helping you have a gay old time, some mirth: } } Q: How do deaf skeletons communicate? } A: Spine language. } } Q: How do deaf pigs communicate? } A: Swine language. } } Q: How do deaf winos communicate? } A: They barf on each other. } } You owe the Oracle a stud in his native tongue. --- 1450-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My Aunt Beasley says I should not eat much Christmas turkey or any of > the potatoes and gravy, or I'll get fat. I already weigh 26 stone > (that's 364 pounds, or about 165 kilos if you're French), and thus > cannot possibly GET fat. She's joking, isn't she? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gordo you always get fat. Watch yourself eat, you don't get } salad, or diet soda -- you get fat, buckets of it and pile } your plate with it. } } You owe the Oracle a fun house mirror. --- 1450-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > if ( Your.God != My.God ) { > ( new War() ).start(); And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } CS 101 in Iran. --- 1450-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > The Holidays are way too happy, what can be done about this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are incredibly right. I visited Harold and Beatrice Holiday for } Christmas, and they were giddy with delight. } } Beatrice had herself dressed up as an angel, and was sitting up in a } maple tree in the front yard, stringing even more Xmas lights and } singing "O Du Froeliche" which (as you may not know) is a German } Christmas carol. She sings badly and does not know German, so you can } imagine my mental pain. } } Harold Holiday was drunk. He was not singing, but he was playing the } piano. Drink fattens the fingers, of course, and Harold was bashing } three or four notes with each of his ten thumbs. He was far too happy, } as you already observed. } } As to what we should do, on an ill-considered impulse I took away } Harold's drink and poured it on the roots of Beatrice's maple tree. Now } the tree is drunk, too. (It takes them a long time to excrete excess } alcohols and xylols, especially in winter.) The Holidays are a mess. } } If I were you, I would just avoid the Holidays henceforth. --- 1450-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it called 'Whoville' if Tom Baker does not live there? > I feed my heart contracting again, and I feel I might have > to slaughter the inhabitants, instead of merely stealing > their presents, if I can't get Tom's autograph. > > Sincerely, > The Grinch And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It was called 'Whoville' by the original inhabitants misters Daltrey, } Entwistle, Moon, and Townshend. And what luck, they're here with us } today. With a little ditty they've penned of late. Sorry, nothing } about Grinches in it... } } [ House lights come up & The Who cranks it out! ] } } Oh dear an undefined field } I code perl for meals } I can really call it a living. } I don't sleep at night } though one day I might } I am caffeine driven. } yeah,yeah,yeah,yeah,yeah } } Don't try } It don't phase me guy } It's only webpage wasteland } } Webage wasteland } It's only webpage wasteland. } webpage wasteland } Oh, yeah } webpage wasteland } All that bandwidth it's wasted! } } [ Crowd goes wild! Fade to black ] --- 1450-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Knowledge without the Oracle would be a rude unprofitable mass, > the mere materials with which wisdom builds, but thanks to the > Oracle we know where the blue-prints are, even if we are too lame, > being mortals, to understand them... > > Why does my ex-boss keep calling me on the phone? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear slow-but-gathering-speed supplicant, } } Is this the same boss who kept appearing drunk in public at noon on } your driveway? } } I have a feeling you still have a co-dependent relationship with him/ } her. I would hate to think that you have succumbed to "the boss with } favors" trend that is sweeping across the office cubicles of today. } } Displays of physical attraction are a definite nyet-nyet at the } workplace. And those modular IKEA workstations just don't hold up to } the rigors of two people synching their ports. It is time to put your } foot down and say "no". Dust off your 28 baud modem and plug it into } your phone line. A few doonga-doong- } eeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaahhheeeeeehahahahas in her ear will make } him/her stop calling before you can say AOL/Compuserve. --- 1450-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dearest Oracle most wisened and griseled, > > Do you ever have problems at airport security? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well one time, but now I down a whole bottle of } kaopectate on the way to the airport. --- 1450-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Grand Oracle, your words when they appear on my terminal drive for > their duration away the droll plodding grey fog that is existence; > What does the Gallows God like for breakfast? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm so glad you asked. Most people think he likes spam, spam, spam, } eggs, bacon and spam, but that is a dirty lie propagated on the } Internet, and if GG gets served it one more time, he tells me he will } smite the next person before "sp-" has left his or her lips. I'm } getting really tired of him texting me all his complaints, so it will } do both of us a favor if his real breakfast preferences are made known. } } Hold on, I'm texting him now... got it. I'll cut and paste for your } benefit: } } ---- } hey odin } } hey oracle sup } } plebe wants to know what u like 4 breakfast } } so? } } so what do u like } } busy rite now } } k tell me anyway } } k } } last nites stew for brekfist is gud } } ja? } } dieting now tho } } should be degreased 1st } } k } } k later } } later } } Sent via my lingonberry } ---- } } So that's it. Not very exciting. I think he was multitasking. --- 1450-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, who never commits a blunder, who always wins > The Exchange, and whose bishops are never bad, pray enlighten > your humble Supplicant by answering the following query: > > What is the best response to 1. d4, and why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I obviously prefer a staff, but in your case, a spear, mace or } long sword will do okay, depending on what you have available. All } three of them average over 4 HP worth of damage, when you account for } critical hits. Really, anything that does more than 1d8 damage will } do fine. } } You owe the Oracle an RPG system without fumble tables.