From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Feb 17 15:23:06 2009 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.1/8.13.1/IUCS_2.87) with ESMTP id n1HKN67g006931; Tue, 17 Feb 2009 15:23:06 -0500 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.1/8.13.1/Submit) id n1HKN691006928; Tue, 17 Feb 2009 15:23:06 -0500 Date: Tue, 17 Feb 2009 15:23:06 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200902172023.n1HKN691006928@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1452 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1452 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1452 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 17 Feb 2009 15:22:55 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1452 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1447 29 votes 5aa40 57962 89b10 49880 3d850 05ac2 14b85 146c6 13a78 69572 1447 2.9 mean 2.4 2.8 2.2 2.7 2.5 3.4 3.4 3.6 3.6 2.7 --- 1452-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O fantabulous Oracle! > > I have come up with a rock-solid proof that you do not exist: > > Assumptions: > (1) The Internet Oracle knows everything. > (2) Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. > (3) If somebody knows X, they also expect X. > > Corrolary 1: > > The Oracle expects the Spanish Inquisition. > > Corrolary 2: > > The Oracle is nobody. > > Well, what do you say about that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, now. A disbeliever hath we. First of all, Someone could reply } that 'Chuck Norris Expects the Spanish Inquisition,' but I know many a } person who can beat Chuck Norris at things, and those jokes are old. } The Oracle is Nobody? Yes. You ever play Kingdom Hearts 2? With the } Oracle it was Organization XIIII. But NOPE, I won't make that joke } either. } So hold on a second, though. You don't believe I exist, and yet you're } WRITING to me? Are you just pretending to be a Usenet Atheist, or are } you insulting me? } You don't walk up to (or in this case, E-Mail) a supreme being just to } tell them 'Haw Haw! You don't exist!' Unless you are ready for the } supreme punishment of their supreme figmentive powers to kick your } butt. And use words that don't exist, such as 'figmentive.' And chow } down afterward on a supreme chicken Chalupa. } Well I'M NOT LAUGHING. The reason I sent the Spanish Inquisition is } because I sent them. } The reason I am nobody is because this is the Internet, and I am being } anonymous. } So alright you asked. And through asking you asked for it! } ZOT! } KERBLAM! } Zap-eth. } Alright, you owe the Oracle a Supreme Chicken Chalupa. Drat, I am so } very hungry. } *poof* --- 1452-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > > Is yogurt good for fish? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. It is too thick to swim in. Try putting them in milk and see if } they can swim there. } } You owe the Oracle a fish flan. --- 1452-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most spirited and unflaggingly wise Oracle, > > How much is a soul worth now a days on the open market? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The expert recommendation for this stock is, } as always, DO NOT SELL. } } But you owe the Oracle some good, strong spirits. --- 1452-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle, who knows more about psychology than Dr Phil: > > Do there exist people who have a fear of widths? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. We call them "narrow minded people." } } You owe The Oracle a double-wide trailer. --- 1452-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What gives? I wasn't digested this time, even though I > gave much better answers to the same questions. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The thing I hate about humans is how much some of them like wearing } fetish-wear. Leather, I can handle. Mohair, wool, even crocodile } skin, it all goes down fairly well. But those studded pvc vinyl body } suits are really hard on my system. Lay off them next time, okay } supplicant? Stick to the natural fibres and we all stay happy. --- 1452-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh double secret agent Oracle, even if Cthulhu were plotting > to destroy America, you would be able to foil him in a mere > 12 hours, using only a bowlful of household chemicals and a > water pistol. You are tougher than Chuck Norris trapped in > Arnold Schwarzenegger's body! > > Has 24 finally jumped the shark? A Massive Global Conspiracy > run by ... a piddling third world country with diamonds? > Uh huh. How about the fact that the good guys could > easily detect if planes started veering weirdly off course, > and could call the pilot and just ask him, "Excuse me, did a > man with a deep voice and thick foreign accent just > contact the plane a few minutes ago with a course > correction directing you to fly into the Sears Towers? > M'kay, well, just get back on course, and please ignore > any similar calls in future. We're still working on the > spam filters." And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's television for crying out loud, by definition it's } geared to illiterates and shut-ins. Sweating it makes you } look foolish, let it slide. } } You owe the Oracle his own prime time show. --- 1452-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Today is opposite day. > > You owe this Supplicant a piece of paper. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sorry. There's none in this stall either. --- 1452-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > M-YM-^EM-XM--M-YM-^EM-XM-/ M-YM-^CM-YM-^DM-XM-( And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Frequently, but it's one of the more difficult ones to accomplish. Some } people try gently spreading fertilizer; others simply take the bull by } the tail and look the matter squarely in the face, and that's what I } would advise you to do. --- 1452-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My CD player stopped playing, and my friend here in New York said I > should take it to Puget Sound. There doesn't seem to be any company by > that name, not here in NYC. He said they are open 24/7 and I could just > drop in. Where can I find Puget Sound? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Pungent" Sound. Your pal was comparing your taste in } music to a 'pungent sound'. You might not want to play } your headphones so loud, your hearing is going south. --- 1452-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What should I tell her? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Tell her it's her not you and that she should really consider therapy.