From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Mar 19 10:44:43 2009 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.1/8.13.1/IUCS_2.87) with ESMTP id n2JEigGU002326; Thu, 19 Mar 2009 10:44:43 -0400 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.1/8.13.1/Submit) id n2JEig2h002323; Thu, 19 Mar 2009 10:44:42 -0400 Date: Thu, 19 Mar 2009 10:44:42 -0400 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200903191444.n2JEig2h002323@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1453 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1453 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1453 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 19 Mar 2009 10:44:31 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1453 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1448 31 votes 3a882 16c75 26h51 22bb5 65875 26968 5b951 46c72 13b97 58684 1448 3.1 mean 2.9 3.3 2.9 3.5 3.0 3.4 2.5 2.9 3.6 2.9 --- 1453-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise and benevolent oracle, with wisdom that can be compared with > mine only in the sense a supernova can be compared with a smoldering > candle wick, please help me in the following matter: > > "Stimulating" is frequently associated with sexual self-satisfaction. > So does that mean that the stimulus package is congress and the > president screwing the economy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Subliminal sexually suggestive names are nothing new } in politics. Ponder these program titles from recent } US history: } } JFK's racy "Nude Frontier" } Reagan's kinky "Trickle Down" } FDR's upfront "New D***" } LBJ's bragging "Great Sexuality" } Ford's S&M "Whip Inflation Now! and Again! And Again!" } and Hoover's ahead of his time hippie anticipating } "A Chick and Everyone gets Pot" } } Ironically Dick Nixon never got the hang of this } and his bland "Lawn Order" program only appealed } to people that wanted the neighbor's kids to } get off their front yard. } } You owe the Oracle some change he can buy a soda with. --- 1453-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh fantastic one, wise in the ways of new and improved marketing, > > Just what is so great about sliced bread? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Keeps the number of knives needed in a household } down. This helps domestic tranquility like nobody's } business. } } You owe the Oracle a decent fork. --- 1453-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I challenge you to a game of Russain Roulette with my 6-shooter! > > *CLICK**CLICK**CLICK**CLICK**CLICK* > > Your turn. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } We are indeed fortunate, you and I, for the rules for Russain Roulette } differ from those for Russian Roulette. It's more like Calvinball, } in which the rules change at Calvin's whim. What a difference a tiny } transposition of two letters can make! } } In Russain Roulette the instigator of the game gets extra turns until } he scores a point. So it's still your turn. } } And in case you get any sneaky ideas, just remember my ZOT's faster } than your bullets. --- 1453-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WHERE CAN I FIND A FREE PEOPLE LOCATOR FOR FREE NO CREDIT CARD > REQUIRED And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's nearer than you think. Just follow these simple instructions and } you'll be all set. (The Oracle is not liable for any injury, yadda } yadda.) } } 1. Hold your hands flat and place them in front of you, palms } together, with your fingertips pointing upward. } } 2. Move your arms upward until the opening between your thumbs is } level with your nose. } } 3. Without moving them up or down, open your hands like a book, with } the palm facing you. } } 4. Fold your fingers over so that you can sight down them. } } 5. While keeping your little fingers pressed together and without } moving your hands up or down, swiftly bend your elbows as far as you } can. } } If you have correctly completed this procedure, you can readily } identify your free people locators. They're the places that hurt. } You will be able to use them in a couple of minutes, assuming you } haven't damaged them. } } You owe the Oracle a foolproof procedure for finding one's posterior } using both hands and a roadmap. --- 1453-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My master keeps embarrassing my by inviting people over and > ringing a bell, thus causing me to drool all over myself > while he and his guests point and laugh at me. > Is there any way I can discourage this annoying behaviror? > > Sincerely, > Fido "Snookums" Pavlov And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Drool on your master. And if he rings the bell again (as it semms he } did) then drool again. He wants you to drool, so do it! } } You owe the Oracle's dog an education. --- 1453-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The ad for the position said SOFTWEAR DEVELOPOOPER. So I called and > asked if they really meant software developer. The phonedroid said, > "No, it says developooper, that's what it is." I asked him what the > difference was between developers and developoopers, and he said, "It's > uh, well I think it's... No, I don't know. But there must be a > difference or they wouldn't have used the word." > > I'm scared even to apply for this one. Should I? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course you should. Life is to be experienced, not avoided! Just } don't be surprised if your code is crap. } } You owe the Oracle more paper --- 1453-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mellifluous Oracle whose praise could not be fully sung even by all > the songbirds in the world, > > I have somehow, by an act of questionable legality, come to possess a > pair of rather large, brown bird wings, detached from their proper > bird and dried so they don't smell bad. They're no use for flying > with, and I can't sell them without explaining how I got them. They're > too nice to just throw away, and if I just leave them in my garage > where they are now they'll just continue to take up space. What should > I do with them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } the origins of the kiwi explained at last --- 1453-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Sometimes I'm embarrassed by how much you know about me, especially > about my dreams. Like you know that I dreamed about eating > peanut-butter soup, and you could probably tell me what that means. > Please don't. Along with the usual carrots and parsnips there were RCA > and BNC connectors, and (get this!) seven eight-inch floppy disks. > Haven't seen those since Bill Gates was poor. > > Anyway what I need is an interpretation of last night's dream, the one > (you know it) where the race-car drivers were lined up and were about > to dance the Can-Can dance, when instead former President Bush (I > forget which one) handed me one of those disks from the previous dream, > and vanished in a puff of greasy orange smoke. Also, what should I do > with the disk? Even if I did have an old drive to read it, I'd be > afraid of the orange grease. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You needn't worry about the disk. It will be neutralized (with great } effort and hardship, a dash of heroism, and running subtext on the } topic of addiction) by a couple of kids from rural Missouri, who will } carry it across Hong Kong to the Cray of Doom for secure reformatting } in tonight's dream. Just don't do anything foolish with it before } that happens. } } As for the dancing drivers etc., I could tell you, but you could } figure it out yourself too. Do that. The BNCs, though, are just } weird. I recommend either counseling or a ham sandwich. } } You owe the Oracle a 1950's-futuristic reimagining of Macbeth, with } random surreal touches. That dream from last month will do nicely as } a starting point. --- 1453-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So how long have you been playing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Since I invented the game. --- 1453-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It wasn't what my mom asked for. My mind must be senile even though I'm > just 19. She wanted canned tuna. How did I manage to buy 15 cans of > Tuna brand Canned Bumblebees? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You just have to learn to stay in your own reality when shopping. If } you ever go back into that one, though, a couple of pointers: } } - Don't try to buy tuna there. They're endangered and illegal. } - Stay away from the canned bumblebees. As you may have noticed, } they're barely edible. Insist on fresh ones - but not, for safety } reasons, alive-alive-o. } - If you have time, check out the TV ad. Swarms of cheery bees, } followed by throngs of happy people enjoying a stir-fry, all set to } 'The Flight of the Tunafish' played by a tuba-and-hookah quartet. } Priceless, at least the first time you see it. } } You owe the Oracle one of those cans. Don't ask what for.