From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Jun 11 07:21:07 2009 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.1/8.13.1/IUCS_2.87) with ESMTP id n5BBL679015150; Thu, 11 Jun 2009 07:21:06 -0400 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.1/8.13.1/Submit) id n5BBL6lf015147; Thu, 11 Jun 2009 07:21:06 -0400 Date: Thu, 11 Jun 2009 07:21:06 -0400 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200906111121.n5BBL6lf015147@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1456 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1456 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1456 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 11 Jun 2009 07:20:55 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1456 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1451 33 votes 1d8b0 28698 069c6 29e71 045f9 0ae72 1468e 15c96 2578b 7a565 1451 3.3 mean 2.9 3.4 3.5 2.9 3.9 3.0 3.9 3.4 3.6 2.8 --- 1456-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can you tell if a girl or a guy likes you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Guy who likes you: Beard or stubble, deep voice, adam's apple, male } genitalia. } } Girl who likes you: Little or no trace of beard, high voice, female } genitalia. } } Look, if you're having trouble discerning which is which, you have more } troubles than you need. } } The Oracle owes you a security blanket. --- 1456-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: twchew@mindspring.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Remember me? I'm the owl salesman. This time I'm not going to try to > sell you an owl. (Even though I'm pretty sure you need one.) > > Instead I have a question. My owls can turn their heads halfway around > and face backwards without moving their feet, owing to the extra number > of bones in their necks. > > My mom used to be able to do that when I was a kid, or else she had > eyes in the back of her head (owls don't--I've looked). She knew what I > was doing all the time. "Whatever you're doing, STOP IT!" > > Was my mom part owl? Is that where I got my interest in owls? If so, > I'd be part owl, too. Why can't I turn my neck around like that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My dear supplicant, you appear to have things a bit backwards. } Mothers did not evolve -from- owls, they evolved -because- of owls. } } You see, owls survive on a diet of small creatures, and mothers survive } solely off of their desire to nurture small creatures [citation } needed]. As a result, it was necessary for the mothers to develop } better ways of watching the small creatures than the owls; hence the } eyes in the back of their heads. } } The nagging is an unfortunate side-effect due to a change in brain } construction, which was necessary to accommodate the new pair of eyes. } } You owe the Oracle an owl pellet full of w**dc**ck bones. --- 1456-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You refuse my generous proposal? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, last time I wished to live forever and now more } and more I find myself thinking I should have asked } for a kitten instead. --- 1456-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are the chances that.. > > China will one day run out of room? > > A new dinosaur will be discovered this year? > > While doing rehabilitative catch, a pitcher will become incensed by > the boos of the crowd and go on a clock-related rampage that will > destroy the world? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Interestingly, the three phenomena you mention are all closely related. } } On April 13, 2063 in an exhibition game against the Toronto Blue Jays, } Cleveland Native Americans pitcher Leroy Paige IV became enraged and } vowed to kill everyone at the stadium who jeered him. He realized he } would be unable to follow through on this threat without resorting to } time travel, so he went out and purchased a cheap used Toyota Chronohop } (2058 model). Unfortunately for Paige, the reason he picked the unit up } for such a low price was the clock circuits in the Chronohop were } malfunctioning. He returned to the day of the game repeatedly, } identifying each booing fan and then going back to each person's } conception and murdering their parents, but each jump made the clock } chip overheat a bit more, sending him further back in time. But by now } (then?) he was in such a frenzied rage of killing he didn't care, } cracking the skull of any living thing that came within reach of his } nanoparticle-alloy bat. } } It was in this genocidical fury that he inadvertently saved the life of } a previously extinct species of dinosaur, one which was so big it } dwarfed the Tyrannosaur by an order of magnitude. A female deposited } her surprisingly tiny hatchlings in the trunk of the Chronohop while he } was chasing her, and those hatchlings survived the trip. } } His rage somewhat abated, Paige attempted to return to his home time } and stop himself from wreaking all this havoc on history, but he } crashed into a giant redwood in a grove that stood (will stand?) where } the stadium formerly existed, and was killed instantly. } } The Gargantusaur hatchlings survived, and a visiting Chinese biologist } found them and took them home for study at Beijing University. They } grew at a phenomenal rate and escaped, out of control, in just a few } weeks. They also reproduced extremly quickly, and with no natural } predators, the offspring thrived. Soon enormous herds of the 'saurs } roamed China, forcing the human population (and every other species } with a lick of sense) to flee. Within two years the country, as well } as the rest of Asia, was overrun by the creatures and there was not } enough room for the human population at all. } } As I write this, from my vantage point outside the time-space } continuum, I see that the dinosaurs have destroyed or consumed all } other living organisms and are eating one another at a rapid pace. One } group dug so deeply into the earth they opened a fissure that released } unprecedented jets of geothermal pressure through their caves into the } atmosphere in a blast powerful enough to nudge the Earth out of its } orbit into a rapid plunge toward the sun. } } Your only hope is to prevent time travel from ever being discovered. } If you ever run across a nanophysicist student named Herbert Cheng, } don't wait for him to publish anything - kill him immediately. } } So to answer your question, the chances of those events occurring are } either 100% or nil depending on whether you believe time is immutable. } } You owe the Oracle a grandfather paradox. --- 1456-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise and malevolent. Please bestow you endless wisdom > upon me and answer my humble query: > > I am stuck for a week on sentry duty in the middle of nowhere with no > company except my laptop and a slow internet connection (and a lot of > angry Arabs that want to kill me). How should I entertain myself > through that endless boredom? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Step 1: ditch the laptop. You've got power for two or three hours, } tops. It's not going to last the week. } } Step 2: dress appropriately. You may think your camos help you blend } in, but they really make you look like a target. Besides, sand gets } *everywhere*. Yes, everywhere. Even in wheres that you don't think } 'every' covers. Dress to avoid getting hot and to avoid getting sand } in you-know-where. } } Step 3: look for water. You can survive a week without food but, } without water, you're going to be toast. Desert toast. Which is } one S short of... wait, was that water over there? Oops, just a } mirage. Keep looking. } } Step 4: don't go insane. The best way to preserve sanity... dammit, } that's got to be water over there. OK, step 4 really is head over } to the water as fast as you can. } } Step 5: I coulda sworn that was water. Anyway, one thing to do to } occupy your time is to start counting the grains of sand. They say } it's less than a googol, so it must be do-able. Start now, because } they aren't getting any fewer. } } Step 6: die of thirst. And insanity. But mostly of thirst. } } Step 7: reincarnate as an Oracle. --- 1456-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Great Oracle. > I can't find the Wizard. Maybe you could give a heart? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle bids three no-trump, raises ten, draws three, spayed his } cat, sealed his clubs, and is playing with a no-nines double pinochle } deck. You expect me to find a heart in all that mess? --- 1456-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true that the Lamanites had sore knees from all the Nephites? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your religion is warped. You were thinking of the Book of Laminations, } in which the Hebrews were commanded to go forth and sell plywood. --- 1456-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If the birdcage isn't in the toaster, how many roads must we wait > before we can go swimming again? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } swimming may be done when the caged bird manages to escape and takes } the toaster with him, in case he encounters any striped-warblers on the } outside. } } It also is not how many roads you must pause for, but the condition of } the road in question. This road will be identified by it's } "Adopt-A-Road" sign. This one will be maintained by MADD (mothers } against drunk driving) and have signage designed to cause drunks to } lose control of their cars and crash. } } The most effective sign so far is one which orders motorists to raise } air pressure on the driver's side tires to 120psi while adjusting } passenger side tires to 15psi. This sign is positioned shortly before } the beginning of the "windy snake" highway, noted for it's narrow } lanes, sharp turns and 1000 foot drop-off. } } the oracle request you take note of his deep compassion for all living } things. --- 1456-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh the most wonder-some and fearless Oracle. I come to you as you are > my one and only deity. This should come as no shock to you but it's > time for me to know one thing. > > What is the difference between a role-playing strategy game and > role-playing in a historical sense? I desire to jump into a new > character in order to shake some of life's daemons. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Easy. Have your current character take up role playing. --- 1456-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > There's three of us here. We share one brain. Each of us gets one half. > > I'm Number 1, the thinker. I use the top half of the brain and think > wise thoughts, more or less. > > I'm Number 2, the feeler. I use the bottom half of the brain and > don't think much, but I know what I like, more or less. > > I'm number 3. Duhhh. > > Number 1 again. I'm going to let you in on a secret. When Rush > Limburger says, "With half my brain tied behind my back, just to make > it fair," he's borrowing Number 3's half. > > Number 2 again. I wasn't paying attention, but that's the big cheese > that smells funny, right? > > Number 3 Again. What's dat smell? Duhhhhh? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm not big on criticizing lifestyle choices, but you know how hard } that is on the corpus callosum, right? And splitting off your } brainstem from higher-order function is just asking for trouble, } despite its leaving intact your ability to make olfactory plays on } names. } } That smell is from under your medial suture, where you have a pocket } of infection. The good news is that it's just regular staph, not } MRSA. The bad news is it'll go systemic soon, and with the stress } you've already put on your collective system, that'll be it for you } unless you get some real medical care pronto. No more of this DIY } stuff, you hear me? } } You owe the Oracle a hand.