From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Jul 9 15:07:23 2009 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.1/8.13.1/IUCS_2.87) with ESMTP id n69J7NqF026353; Thu, 9 Jul 2009 15:07:23 -0400 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.1/8.13.1/Submit) id n69J7NGt026350; Thu, 9 Jul 2009 15:07:23 -0400 Date: Thu, 9 Jul 2009 15:07:23 -0400 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200907091907.n69J7NGt026350@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1457 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1457 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1457 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 09 Jul 2009 15:07:11 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1457 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1452 33 votes 38d63 18da1 08bb3 04ab8 5c871 7d562 44898 4d871 5ac51 37ba2 1452 3.0 mean 2.9 3.1 3.3 3.7 2.6 2.5 3.4 2.6 2.6 3.0 --- 1457-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All right, I know you hate doing dream interpretation, but you've gotta > see this one. This time I captured an actual piece of dialogue from one > of my dreams. It's this: YOU'LL GET IT WHEN YOU SEE GREENS STUCCO > PAINTROOM COMPLETE WITH THE PAINT GO FRAUD. I put it in all caps > because I couldn't figure out how to punctuate it. I don't know who was > saying it. It was probably directed at me. > > Does it make any sense to you? For instance, does it support the theory > that dreaming is like watching a garbage-collection algorithm run, and > whatever words or images come along are just stuff that was hanging > around in the deepths of the short-term memory, appearing as each chunk > of memory gets freed up? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I hate to disappoint you, but you're merely the victim of crossed } messages. What you heard was part of a wiretap recording made during } an FBI investigation of suspected Mafia kingpin Bruno "Failed Grovel" } Pastrami. Pastrami was discussing the details of a plan to defraud } customers with a phony house painting business. His accomplice, } Bernard "Unimaginative Nickname" Shaw, was asking when he would be } paid for another job, and Pastrami assured him that the next bogus } paint job, and the payment for same, would be delivered by their } intermediary contact, Jimmy "Soylent" Greens. Pastrami's answer, and } Shaw's enthusiasm, makes more sense with proper parsing: } "You'll get it when you see 'Greens'." } "Stucco paintroom?" } "Complete with the paint!" } "Go fraud!" } } It was this last ill-advised outburst from overenthusiastic Shaw that } enabled the FBI to convict Pastrami and his gang. } } Getting back to your question, dreams are for the most part your } brain's desperate attempt to get your attention on an urgent crisis } that may be a matter of life and death. The message you should have } received was: } } SHIMMERING MONKEYS LAMBADA PASTE BOILING KITTENS } } I hope that clears everything up for you. } } You owe the Oracle a clever, but menacing-sounding, Mafia nickname. --- 1457-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I fear my mother may be insane. First she tried to convince > me not to speak (way to encourage linguistic development, > Mom!) by offering me a diamond ring. Then she speculated that > it may 'turn into' brass. > Is she studying alchemy that she thinks it's possible to > transmute diamonds (carbon) into brass (an alloy of copper > and zinc)? Do you think I should report her to CPS as a > possible danger to herself and me? This is some pretty > wacky ****! > > Sincerely, > > a baby And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nah. The 'turns brass' just reflects concern that the metal in which } the stone is set may not be gold (in which case the diamond itself is } probably either zirconia or glass). This would become apparent as the } brass tarnishes. } } Where the rest of the song is concerned, you're on your own. Just be } glad your mom didn't come up with it herself. } } You owe the Oracle your college fund. If you're already discussing } alchemy and metallurgy, you won't need it. --- 1457-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, who knows all, sees all, and is a sure pick in the next > election, my question is of vital importance to civilization. The > entire fate of our species rests in the answer to this question! My > question is > {gasps} Rosebud! > {supplicant dies} And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Kind of pointless, answering a dead supplicant. But you might have left } things, such as my answers, in your will, to some unfortunate souls. My } answer is, of course, cryptic and incomplete. } } In your will you owe the Oracle your sled. --- 1457-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, secretive Oracle, whose passwords are uncrackable, and who can > decrypt anything in his head! > > Got any nice, easy to remember 8-word sentences containing a number? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "This 8 word sentence contains a single number" } } You owe the Oracle a quine written in COBOL. --- 1457-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, I would write you twice a fingerset of fingersets of fingersets > of fingersets of fingersets of fingersets of pages on how great the > Oracle is. Is that a good grovel? Did people ever used to count like > that? Why don't we use base 5? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I use base 5 frequently. It's handy when I have two and a half fingers } on each hand. } } You owe the Oracle a safety device for the bandsaw in the butcher shop } that'll stop the saw when it's cutting fingers instead of meat. --- 1457-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I would like to know more details about the word/token "MJ12" along > with it's meanings/associated terms. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's the slot outside Neverland Ranch where needy parents would deposit } their 12 year olds. It's been closed since last Thursday. } } You owe the Oracle a prosthetic nose found at Roswell. --- 1457-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have a litter filled baking pan in the toilet, but the cat > is still standing in it. How do I get it to stand on the > seat? That is the final step before freedom. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Right. The cat is waiting for you to abandon the house and live } outside. You will be allowed to enter, bearing food, twice a day, at } dawn, noon, midafternoon, and evening. That's more than twice, isn't } it. Cats always think you have not fed them. } } Go feed your cat, slave. --- 1457-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm all confused, which probably makes me an excellent suppplicant. > > My mom says, "You are what you eat." > > Her mom says, "Yo am what yo is." > > And my dad's mom says, "Yo am what yo ain't." > > Which one's right? And what's it mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your mother is correct. Consult Mr. William Strunk Jr.'s /The Classics } of Style: The Fundamentals of Language Style From Our American } Craftsmen/ (ISBN 0978728203) for more information as to why. } } The meaning, of course, is that you are, in fact, what you eat. It's } very simply quantum physics, really. As I'm sure you know, the Universe } began in a Big Bang, where a bunch of matter was created that travels } forwards in time. Now, from your perspective, the Universe will end in } a Big Crunch, where a bunch of matter is destroyed due to traveling } forward in time. } } Now, as I'm sure you already know, right-handed matter going forwards } in time is the same left-handed antimatter going backwards in time (the } particles are, of course, the same color and flavor - southpaw } backwards antistrawberries are still delicious and red). As a result, } it's easy to see that the Big Crunch really is the creation of a bunch } of antimatter going backwards in time and using the wrong hand for } everything - all this antimatter gets destroyed at the Big Crunch. } } Now, here's the tricky bit: } } It's all the same particle. Due to the massive energies at the Big } Bang/Crunch, this particle keeps flipflopping between being matter and } antimatter, going forwards and backwards in time, you get the drift. So } you are eating yourself. You are breathing yourself. When your } girlfriend cheated on you last Tuesday and you killed her for it, you } killed yourself. And so on. } } I hope this clears everything up for you. } } You owe The Oracle a zombie Feynman. --- 1457-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O stately Oracle > Will Delaware her New Jersey? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ohio, } New Jersey? Alaska. --- 1457-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WHY DOESN'T FTP HAVE A BUILT IN CKSUM??????? DOESN'T THAT > SEEM LIKE ONE PLACE WHERE YOU'D REALLY *LIKE* TO RUN > CKSUM???? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Do you see that key on the left side, just above the "Shift" key? On } the l eft side. It says "Caps Lock". No, on the /keyboard/. No, the } left. Your ot her left. Underneath the "Tab" key. No, *above* the } "Shift" key. Yes, the on e that says "Caps Lock". If you press it a } few times, you will notice a blinking light on the keyb... } } Do /not/ stare at the blinking light. Stop pressing that key. } } HEY!!! PAY ATTENTION UP HERE!!! } } Ahem. Now, make sure that light is off. If it is not, press the "Caps } Loc k" k... } } Are you done? Okay, now take a screwdriver and pop that sucker off. } No, t he "Caps Lock" key. Put the Phillips down and grab that flat } head. Yes, just like that. } } That's better. Now, as you read this next sentence, pick up any hard, } heav y but easily handheld instrument and bludgeon yourself in the head } once for e ach syllable. } } Do not mess with the elegant simplicity of tried and true utilities } antisesquipedalianist antidisestablishmentarianism } supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. } } * * * } } Good morning. I hope you have awoken refreshed and with mind cleared } for wisdom. Now go, O seeker, and writeth a shell script that will } make both o ur lives easier. } } You owe the Oracle your unused bandwidth and server space.