From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Sep 23 14:00:03 2009 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.90) with ESMTP id n8NI025r012164; Wed, 23 Sep 2009 14:00:03 -0400 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id n8NI02WF012163; Wed, 23 Sep 2009 14:00:02 -0400 Date: Wed, 23 Sep 2009 14:00:02 -0400 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200909231800.n8NI02WF012163@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1461 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1461 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1461 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 23 Sep 2009 13:59:51 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1461 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1456 28 votes 02bc3 079a2 23a85 12c94 12af0 1b961 69931 1bd30 29b42 36d51 1456 3.1 mean 3.6 3.2 3.4 3.5 3.4 2.8 2.4 2.6 2.8 2.8 --- 1461-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Praise for the Oracle; a supplicant who can't live without him, and who > depends on him for everything, who is unworthy to dare ask him > anything, and who writes in noun phrases; the meaning of life; the > desire to his bizarrely constructed question; a speedy answer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Run, run, run. See Spot run. Run, Spot, run. Run, run, run. } } Noun, noun, noun. See Supplicant noun. Noun, Supplicant, noun. } } You owe the Oracle a brightly colored adjective. --- 1461-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm marooned here on the Island of Tobasco in the northern South > Pacific Ocean, It's somewhere between Easter Island, Christmas Island > and Bank Holiday Island. The natives think I'm from Mars, which is > strange because they don't have telescopes or a knowledge of astronomy > or science fiction. Tobasco is too hot for me. Please send some ice if > you can't transport me home. Or to Mars. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Some people do find Tobasco hot at first, but that's part of its } appeal. You'll get used to it. Mars, not so much - the atmosphere } leaves something to be desired. (Be glad I'm not in the } transportation business.) } } If you really can't take the heat, you'll want to go about 20 miles } southeast to Trynowdad, named for its spotty cell phone coverage. } From there you should eventually be able to place a call to someone } who can retrieve you. } } You owe the Oracle a couple of bottles of habanero sauce. --- 1461-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > who is responsible for this atrocity? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, whoever it was, Obama still has to clean it up. --- 1461-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > QUICK!!! I'm about to enter the finals in the International > Paper/Scissors/Rock competition! What will my opponent's > sequence of choices be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 'Limited'. } } You owe the Oracle something accurate, but unhelpful. Yesterday's } weather report, for example. --- 1461-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh almighty Oracle of Oracle-i-ness, am I a cheater? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I would say not. At least not physically. Observe your hands and note } the ape-like extended digits. Look in the mirror and examine the shape } and location of your ears. Contemplate the way you stand and ambulate. } There is indeed tiny hairs all over your skin, but you will agree that } it's a far cry from spotted fur. Finally, try to take down a } wildebeest. And I would like video of that. } } So no, I would say that you are not a cheater or any other kind of } large cat. Again, not physically. To know if you have some totem of } the type, or if your soul takes the shape of one, you would need to } consult a shaman or medicine man. } } You're in luck! Being omniscient, I just happen to also be a } professional shaman, medicine man and Vodoun priest. However, it is } traditional that before you are given access to such knowledge, you go } on a vision quest. This involves the use of peyote, which is fun, but } it's all very tedious and you have to face uncomfortable truths and } blah, blah, blah. } } But now! Available for the first time in mankind's existence is the } Internet Oracle's 12 Easy Steps to Know Thyself! Offered exclusively } through the Internet Oracle web site, this product lets you: } } *Contemplate the Universe on the level of the great philosophers and } scientists! } } *Know your perfect role in society and how to achieve lasting } contentment! } } *Give the answers to all of life's difficult questions! } } *Be completely rid of acne in less than a month! } } * And much, much more! } } And how much would you expect to pay for such a fundamental, } life-altering product? Your soul? Your first born? $1000? That's } just too much! For a limited time, you can get this amazing product } for only three easy installments of $333.33! That's right! In three } easy payments you will have all the answers you've wanted over the } years! Act now and you also get this handy french fry maker! Just } hold the potato on the cutting board, slide the Easy-Clean sleeve over } it, press down and voila! Instant french fries! A $14.95 value, yours } free! } } You owe the Oracle - nay, you owe *yourself* the fantastic opportunity } that awaits your call! Act now! Supplies are limited! (Optional } Become-a-Buddha and Instant-Christ-Powder sold separately.) --- 1461-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, Orrie, Orrie! This is slightly crucial, so I need a bit of your > complete attention. Today is the last chance this week for me to enter > the monthly lucky drawing for the lottery. I get to pick whatever > number I want, within certain limits. > > Anyway, I thought that since you have a partially utmost knowledge of > nearly everything, at least somewhat, you could probably help me. I'll > even give half my winnings to charity. And since I'm going to bet my > grandmother's house on it, the charity will have to supply a bit more > than most of the losings if I lose, so she'll still have somehwere to > live if that happens, so it's a good deal for them and very important, > more or less, if you could predict the exact number for winning the > total jackpot, less taxes and a fee for your services (only if I win). > > Please don't tell me it's 314159 like you did last time. You said it > was as easy as pie. More like fruitcake! I played that number and I > lost. That's part of why I have to win HAVE TO WIN, GOT THAT? this > time! > > I'm putting everything I have and a lot of what I don't have on that > one number. Don't let me fail. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're right, the number I gave you before is completely irrational. } } Just use 161803 and you'll be golden. } } You owe the Oracle some pie. I like pie. Strawberry rhubarb. And } pecan. And sweet potato. And some greens an' cornbread. I wants me } some vittles. --- 1461-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } NOOOOOOOOO. SPO-O-O-O-O-O-O-OCK. } } You owe the Oracle another tre-e-e-e-e-ek. --- 1461-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are laws really made incongruous? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Usually they start out that way rather than being made so at a later } time. However, there are exceptions. The notorious prohibition } against carrying ice cream in one's pocket, for example, was created } to address the problem created by one Wallace Hormuckel of (you } guessed it) Lexington, Kentucky. He loved ice cream, but would always } begin eating his cones at a speed that resulted in an immediate } headache. While waiting for the headache to pass, he habitually } placed the cone in his back pocket - and then forgot about it, often } sitting down or leaning against walls. The resulting sticky spots } became a considerable public nuisance, and the local ant population } exploded. } } Wallace was a law-abiding citizen of advanced years, so rather than } confronting him directly, the municipal government decided to prohibit } carrying ice cream in pockets altogether, reasoning that no one else } would ever be affected. } } On his death, the law was - returning to your question - made } incongruous. } } You owe the Oracle a sane 112th Congress. (Good luck.) --- 1461-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > hi Orrie. Mark Anthony here. Really weird stuff has been > happening. The other day, I was giving a funeral speech for > my friend Julius Caeser, when all of a sudden an outlandishly > dressed rude individual leaped to the stage, grabbed my > speech out of my hands, told me I would be allowed to > continue later, and started talking about someone named > 'Beyonce'. At the end of his incoherent rant, he asserted > that 'Julius Caeser did not care about black people'. I > assume he was talking about himself since he was indeed of > Moorish countenance. My question: was this a supernatural > occurrence? Was this perhaps Zeus, or Apollo in disguise > playing a jest upon us? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You Romans really have to get a grip on your time-travelling. That was } Scipio Africanus from nearly two hundred years ago, messing things up } as usual. You'll remember how he was tried for fiscal mismanagement } even though he was winning the Punic Wars, which (as you also know) } sometimes get misspelled, much to the amusement of schoolboys. Most of } your problem comes from living backwards. You, for example were born in } 83, but died (or more precisely will die) in 30. A lot of the early } software for time machines got all that stuff wrong. There was (or will } be, from your prespective) also the problem of whether of not the year } zero existed, or will exist. LXXXIII and XXX you can understand. Zero } remains to be discovered. } } You owe the Oracle a big bowl of spaghetti milanese, as soon as Marco } Polo discovers it. --- 1461-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you have any idea with whom you're dealing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You got to know when to hold em } Know when to fold em } Know when to walk away } (and) Know when to run } You never cuss the Oracle } When you ask without a grovel } There'll be time enough for zotting } When the reply is done