From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Dec 20 09:02:22 2010 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.92) with ESMTP id oBKE2MIl008741; Mon, 20 Dec 2010 09:02:22 -0500 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id oBKE2Mud008738; Mon, 20 Dec 2010 09:02:22 -0500 Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2010 09:02:22 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <201012201402.oBKE2Mud008738@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1474 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1474 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1474 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2010 09:02:10 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1474 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1469 25 votes 235a5 34c33 06c52 44863 43945 24793 32956 16783 3b641 45763 1469 3.1 mean 3.5 3.0 3.1 3.0 3.1 3.3 3.4 3.2 2.6 3.0 --- 1474-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do Americans so consistently vote against their own interests? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They want bread and circuses, they vote for bread and circuses. Hang } the consequences. --- 1474-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do > > Loop And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle recommends you speak up. } } I said, the Oracle recommends you speak up! } } Louder! } } LOUDER! } } I CAN'T HEAR YOU! } } Etc. --- 1474-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will I stay in this career until I retire? > > Sent from Mary's iPhone And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well Bob, stealing iPhones is not really a career, per say. } } I suggest you give it back to Mary and find yourself a real job. --- 1474-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I ran out of ducks, so what's the difference between a goose? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm. A difficult question. } } Taste wise, duck is more....gameygreasy. (A difficult flavor to } describe wild, and greasy, but not like a cheap hamburger... ) Goose is } more fatty than greasy. } } Temperament wise, geese are the devil. They. Will. KILL. YOU. } Ducks will try, but....they're too small, really. --- 1474-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, ya gotta help me again. I know that last time wasn't no help but > that's becuz I was tooo late. > > I way sposed to write a paper describing the uvula for biology class, > and (wise-guy that I am) I wrote up about the vulva instead and the > teacher said take it back and do it right. So I wrote up about the > vuvloozoolula, that awwwful African football horn and handed it in, out > of spite. He's not started to read it yet. He just locked it in his > briefcase. > > Now I've thought better of it, and I want to break into the biology > teacher's office and steal the paper back and replace it with a good > one. We gotta hurry, though. Here's what I need: > > 1. The combination to the security lock on his office door. > > 2. Same for his briefcase. > > 3. A paper about the uvula. > > And don't give me none of that crap about the cure worse than the > disease or out of the frying pan into the fire like you did last time. > You are so SOOPER-DOOPER SMART you can see how to get me out of every > kind of difficulty, no matter what. > > I'd grovel more but I'm out of time. Besides, I'm lousy at so many > things, and that includes grovelling. Not like you and your > magnificence. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ] look } } THE HALL BEFORE THE PROFESSOR'S OFFICE } Blood from the army of secretaries you defeated seep in from the north } and to the south lies a simple unassuming door upon which a plaque } states that this is the office of Dr. C. Ache. } } ] open door } } it won't budge, you must enter the combination } } ] inventory } } You are carrying: } a small rubber hose } a hunting knife } a piece of paper } } ] examine paper } } it says "56 - 54 - 51" } } ] enter combo } } you cannot enter combo } } ] examine door } } it's a common wood door with a plaque on it } } *thirty lines of grammatical ambiguity later* } } ] change combination to 56 - 54 - 51 } } The lock clicks and the door slides open. } } ] south } } THE ACTUAL OFFICE } Dr. C Aches' office is straight out of the seventies with wood } panelling decorating every wall. A desk sits in the centre. } } ] search desk } } You find nothing of interest } suddenly the door re-opens and the professor stands before you. } } ] examine professor } } He is carrying a black briefcase. } } ] take briefcase } } he puts up a struggle } } ] kill the professor } } with what? } } ] kill professor with knife } } you cut out a piece of C. Ache } } ] take briefcase } } taken. } } ] open case } } @ z-machine error, resorting to most likely value for BOOL::LOCKED } it's already open. } } ] search briefcase } } you find your paper. } } ] take paper } } you already have the piece of paper } } *thirty more lines of grammatical ambiguity later* } } ] xyzzy } } Suddenly a being from the fourth dimension appears to grant you one } wish. What will it be? } } ] request paper on uvulas } } the being requires matter in order to transmute a paper on uvulas } } ] offer piece of paper } } that isn't enough } } ] offer piece of C. Ache } } A glowing mass of light explodes in the office as the divine } transformation occurs. When the light subsides the essay lies on the } desk. } } ] take essay. } } taken, boy was that a piece of cake } } ] give to professor } } he takes it happily in his state of shock. } } *** YOU HAVE ONE *** } } You have earned 143 points out of a possible 158, giving you a rank of } "down to the wire" } --- } } you owe the oracle an infocom game from this century that doesn't suck --- 1474-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What will be the name of the girl i marry? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Listen, I know you are on your deathbed, and don't have much time to } find someone to inherit your fortune, but you should still have } memorized that before the wedding, or at least paid attention to that } question the priest just asked you. Or even better: change your will, } and leave it all to the Oracle. --- 1474-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Shazam. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Zot. } } I win again. --- 1474-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If Adam had never eaten the fruit, then would cryptography > ever have been developed? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, without fruit, no death. Without death, no crypts. Without } crypts, no reason to decorate them. } } You owe the Oracle to take a bite of this here punplum. Askme for it, } and you shall be like me, not knowing the difference between good and } bad jokes anymore. --- 1474-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > United we stand! Divided we fall! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The wise Oracle has pondered deeply upon your submission. Meditating } under the waterfalls of Time itself, he speaks thus: } } Consider the humble domino. On it's own it stands tall and proud, a } basilisk on the table, however once knocked it will fall on it's face } and lie there in a pathetic state like a downed king or a ruin from the } past. } } But gather them en masse, line them up, create giant swirls and } patterns, each one standing tall amongst it's brothers, an army of } pillars. Now knock one, watch the ripples spread, the patterns coming } alive with the movement of thousands of individuals. } } Finally when the dust settles and the spectacle is at an end, examine } those dominoes and you will note that while each has bowed against } another, none will have fallen. } } You now have your answer, go forth and savor it. Take the afternoon and } the night, consider from every angle, that you may understand it in } full. --- 1474-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My anus is itchy, can you please lend a finger and scratch it > for me? Thanks, pal. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } After this unfortunate incident, Edward Scissorhands became much more } selective about what favors he did for people.