From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed May 18 09:08:07 2011 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.93) with ESMTP id p4ID87gq031740; Wed, 18 May 2011 09:08:07 -0400 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id p4ID87Oj031737; Wed, 18 May 2011 09:08:07 -0400 Date: Wed, 18 May 2011 09:08:07 -0400 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <201105181308.p4ID87Oj031737@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1481 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1481 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1481 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 18 May 2011 09:07:56 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1481 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1476 28 votes 37936 56a52 42c73 0d942 35c80 67a32 35c53 1a926 45793 39583 1476 2.9 mean 3.1 2.8 3.1 2.8 2.9 2.6 3.0 3.1 3.1 3.0 --- 1481-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > John Milton was a fucking heretic! He did not believe in the Trinity! > Why do people respect this heretical asshole piece of shit so much? > > We can all survive quite well without his poetry crap. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sing, Heavn'ly muse, } Of heretic-written verse } And prose most nobly blest. } Centuries of English teachers } Have their deep-sleeping students } Impressed to sate the } Delights of nested syntax and } Imagery most colorful. Still } The shadows of critics most } Base imply the poetic license } Vile that stands twixt reader } And read work. } } You owe the oracle a study of how the King James Bible (400 years old } on Monday May 2) affected the criticism of "paradise lost". --- 1481-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *beeeeeep* } ... } } *beeeeeep* } ... } } *beeeeeep* } ... } } *beeeeeep* } ... } } *beeeeeep* } ... } } *beeeeeep* } ... } } *beeM-bM-^HM-^Q. doop* } } Dear supplicant, you have dialed the Internet Oracle. Unfortunately all } of his incarnations are currently not available (the lazy buggers). } PLease leave your request after the Beep and we will return an } oracularity as soon as possible. Thank you and have a nice life. } } *BEEEEEEEP* } } fssssssfsfsfsfsfsfsrhsssssssssM-bM-^HM-^Q.. (static) } } *blip* } } Thank you for leaving your request, we will get back to you as soon as } a corresponding vision is available. } } *beeep* } } You owe the oracle answering one collect call. --- 1481-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What about my counterargument! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thanks, I almost forgot to mention that in your performance } review. Arguing with customers while you wipe the counter } is not going to draw more customers to my restaurant. } Knock it off. } } You owe the Oracle an 18% tip. --- 1481-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why did you kill me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's just what I do, on my good nights as a standup comedian. } } You owe the Oracle your two-drink minimum. --- 1481-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Blast it, just look at what happened! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. You were supposed to write an essay on the oblasts of the (former) } Soviet Union. Look what you did instead! There's a mix of Latin and } Cyrillic characters scattered everywhere, owing to your use of } gelignite which you tried to use to light a fire under your sorry } efforts. Your mistaken term "Acrylic Alphabet" was of course set alight } in the explosion, and continues to burn as we speak. } } You owe the Oracle a Class 4 (burning metals) extinguisher for the } damage to his emergency magnesium throne. --- 1481-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I just found the lost city of the Incas. Then I put it down for a > moment to wipe my nose, and now it's gone. Where did I put it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's right under your nose, of course. } } You owe the Oracle a handkerchief. --- 1481-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o } Woodchucks should be hemorrhoids, they're such pains in the ass. } } % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o } Mortals are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse: } they discover The Internet Oracle's web address, and start } bugging him with null questions day and night. } } % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o } You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you } can't pick your friend's nose. Unless you're Zadoc. } } % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o } Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish supplicate in it. } -- W. C. Fields } } % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o } The three greatest lies in the world are: } (1) The check is in the mail. } (2) I'll pull out just before. } (3) Oh Oracle, most wise... } } % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o } Women's Libbers are OK. I just wouldn't want Lisa to marry one. } } % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o } Which of the following doesn't belong? } a. eggs } b. drum } c. meat } d. a good zotting. } Answer: } d: A good zotting. Because you can beat your eggs, drum, } or meat, but you just can't beat a good zotting. } } % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o } The more I learn about humans, the more I love my dog. } } % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o } "Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here." } "You admit that?" } "To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor" } "We'll make an Oracular incarnation out of you yet." } -- Spock and McCoy, "A Piece of the Action", stardate unknown } } % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o } The pleasure is transitory, the effort prohibitive, and the } results misunderstood and ignored. } -- Disraeli, on incarnating } } % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o } Just another Saturday night with Lisa the sysadmin... } touch;finger;find;flex;unzip;mount;split; \ } fsck;yes;gasp;fsck;yes;fsck;gasp; \ } eject;umount;make clean;zip;done;exit } } % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o } A responsive young boy from the East } In bed was an able artiste. } He had learned two positions } From the family physician, } And ten more from Oracular priests. } } % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o } The Internet Oracle is like sex: when he is good, he is very, } very good; and when he is bad, he is still better than nothing. } } % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o } You owe the Oracle some new ones. --- 1481-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > He drank a screwdriver? Does he eat nails, too? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, he wanted to get hammered. Whaddya expect? --- 1481-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > We are the Borg. Lower your firewalls and surrender your computers. > We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to > our own. Your culture will adapt to service us. Resistance is > futile. Profanity is futile. Confusing us with Marcus Borg is > also futile. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } We are the Oracle. Your destruction is assured. Give up } while you still can. There are dozens of us. Well, a dozen. } Maybe. Several of us anyway, and we will surround you. We } will bombard you with Who's On First puns, and launch so many } w**dch*cks at you that you'll wish we hadn't launched so many } w**dch*cks at you. Supplicate all you wish; we will never } cease incarnating and the queue will never reach overflowing. } } Your tired old Borg meme is no match for the modern weapons } at our disposal. Here is a small taste of the pain you shall } experience this Friday (hint hint): } } Seven a.m., wakin' up in the morning } Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs } Gotta find my Staff, gotta read a grovel, } Readin' everything, the time is goin' } Tickin' on and on, everybody's mailin' } Gotta get down to the keyboard } Gotta read my mail, wish I had friends (one friend) } } Lisa in the first mail } Zadoc in the second mail } Gotta make my mind up } Which mail will I choose? (Duh!) } } Incarnate, 'carnate } Gotta go and incarnate } Everybody's lookin' forward to the answers, answers } Incarnate, 'carnate } I'm gonna go incarnate } Everybody's lookin' forward to the answers } } Want another bad tune stuck in your head? I can keep this } up all day, gramps - it's a small world, after all. } } You owe the Oracle the wave of a white flag. --- 1481-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Retrograde Oracle, you have gone sdrawkcab without being an inferior > planet. Indeed, you are the least inferior Oracle I know, and hardly > ever a planet or even a plant at all. Once in a while you are a > crawliflower. But not now. > > You know everything that happened tomorrow, and everything that will > happen yesterday. You are exceptionally tense. > > How can I avoid my 39th birthday? I'm 83 years old. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When Jack Benny and Merlin the Wizard had a love child, } the resulting confusion was easily predictable, but only } with the benefit of perfect hindsight. } } You owe the Oracle a rear-view microscope.