From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Jul 10 13:08:13 2012 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.97) with ESMTP id q6AH8ClX028361; Tue, 10 Jul 2012 13:08:13 -0400 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id q6AH8CRV028358; Tue, 10 Jul 2012 13:08:12 -0400 Date: Tue, 10 Jul 2012 13:08:12 -0400 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <201207101708.q6AH8CRV028358@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1501 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1501 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1501 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 10 Jul 2012 13:08:01 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1501 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1496 22 votes 75541 15673 3d321 28363 37633 4b421 21964 22954 02866 06853 1496 3.0 mean 2.4 3.3 2.3 3.0 2.8 2.3 3.4 3.3 3.7 3.2 --- 1501-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I sure am. } } You owe me something that is < for a change. --- 1501-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there a game of Go Fish for Masters? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, European politics. } } "Got any votes for an austerity budget?" "Go fish." } } You owe the Oracle a dime for his Euro. --- 1501-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I need a more flexible way to sumbit questions to you. Up to now, any > time my questions fell into the Porcelain Sanitary Euphemism I had to > hang them up to dry before I could ship them to you. They often got > crinkled and wrinkled, and ironing did not help. > > If you will please give me a telescope I can look at them more closely > and you won't have to squat as much to see what I am saying. Or did I > mean squint instead of squat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, are you in luck! We are currently in the process } of rolling out a brand new interface, and no telescope } is needed. It's starting only in major cities, but we } plan to expand rapidly assuming the response is good. } } Basically, you'll find my incarnations positioned } in doorways, alleys, and cardboard boxes at various } locations throughout the downtown shopping and } banking districts. When you stumble across one, } perhaps literally, take a moment to try out the } interface. Just lean over, if necessary, and say } in a clear and steady voice something like "Oh } Oracle, Most Wise, keeper of a thousand flames of } sagacity, please answer me this question: how much } wood..." } } Well, don't actually ask the marmot question. You } get the idea. } } In many cases you will receive an answer right away; } often it will be trenchant and observational, or } deeply spiritual and even messianic, or lusty and } a bit earthy, no different than you are accustomed } to from the Oracle. In fact, these incarnations are } the very cream of the crop, exactly the ones you } already communicate with, so expect the unexpected. } } Occasionally the reply will be in the form of coded } gibberish, or vomit or urine, each of which you will } have to interpret for yourself. If the incarnation } seems irate, don't be alarmed, this is just part of } the experience. } } In other cases the incarnation may not reply, or for } that matter even appear to have heard you. Don't } worry about that either; this is merely the equivalent } of "The Oracle is pondering your question." Come } back another time and see if your response is ready. } } You are welcome to attempt an "ask me", as well. } Try your best to make sense of the question you } receive, and then answer it. Be forewarned, it may } be difficult to turn off this feature, once invoked. } } If the incarnation requests some form of tribute, it } is recommended that you give with a glad heart. } } I hope you enjoy this new initiative, and I look } forward to seeing the beta-test report from Zadoc. } } You owe the Oracle (you guessed it) spare change. --- 1501-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Everyone's a comedian. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Explain Yakov Smirnoff, then. } } You owe the Oracle ... no wait, the Oracle owes YOU! --- 1501-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Well, it's "Beelzebub" time again. As you know from my previous > questions (or from your unceremonious omniscience), our pastor has > trouble pronouncing and spelling certain words, particularly ones in > the Bible. When he comes across the word "sepulcher" he is sort of > quiet for half a minute or more and then says "sepulveda". Makes > Easter rather hard to take. > > But it's Beelzebub that's really got him. It's supposed to be four > syllables, BAY-ELLL-ZERR-BUB. He continues to say "BEEZ-ELL-BULB, just > three syllables. He's gotten into telling us that the Devil has > grabbed us by the tail, or by his own tail (Beelzebub's own tail, not > the pastor's), but he says "Beezelbulb", and in the Notes From Your > Pastor weekly bulletin he has an article entitles BEEZELLBULB'S TALE > HAS HE GOT YOU YET? > > So on a certain level he does understand that he is wrong, and that he > does not understand. > > How many Oracles or supplicants or whatever does it take to change a > Beezelbulb? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, we don't. The priests Screwtape them in all day long. --- 1501-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You're like Santa Claus, aren't you. I have to fill in as you some of > the time. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I suppose I'm a little like Santa. We both get around. } We both dress flamboyantly (but masculinely). We both } have doubles who cover for us from time to time. He } has a misfit/outcast reindeer named Rudolph while I } have a misfit/outcast creature of some sort named Zadoc. } } But the differences are pretty significant. Mrs Claus } is a bit frumpy compared to my Lisa. And I'm not } content with leaving a lump of coal for bad boys and } girls - the Staff of Zot is much more satisfying to me. } } The biggest difference, however, is the direction in } which tribute/presents flow. } } You owe the Oracle a package of socks and underwear, } wrapped nicely. --- 1501-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why isn't diarrhea listed in the periodic table? It seems so alien and > indestructible, I feel like it should be its own element. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your copy of the periodic table is incomplete, as are most on Earth. } Diarrhea (symbol Dh) is part of the Horrible group (between the } Forbiddens and 'Pixie Stix' Flavors on my periodic table) along with, } for instance the greasy dust that congeals on everything at K-Mart (Km) } and Wyomingum (Wy), the primary chemical constituent of the State of } Wyoming. } } You owe the Oracle an unabridged Bible. Not the trimmed-down Earth } edition; the one with the Gospel of Jerry (Springer). --- 1501-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Know any good paraprosdokian sentences? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The best paraprosdokian sentence... is the one kept secret. --- 1501-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it possible to write a haiku without vowels? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thr 1ts ws mn frm Jpn } Whs ptr jst wdnt scn } Whn h ws sk wh } Dd qckl rpl } t's bcs lws tr ft smnwrdsntlstlnpssblcn } } Nope. Only limericks. --- 1501-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: twchew@mindspring.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A-wop, bop-baloo-bop, ballop-bam-boom. > I just got back from... > > What comes next? I can't find those lyrics anywhere. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, you are referring to the *dirty* lyrics for Tutti } Frutti. Little Richard's record company insisted on } watering down the lyrics for the masses, but here is } the original version. } } A-wop-bop-a-loo-bop, a-wop-bam-boom! } Tutti frutti, all rooty! } Tutti frutti, all rooty! } Just got back from...a mud puddle } It sent me into a fuddle } Just got back from a mud puddle } It sent me into a fuddle } I slop to the east, } I slop to the west, } Yeah that mud puddle's } The one I love best. } (repeat chorus) } } You owe the Oracle a pack of Juicy Fruit gum.