From owner-oracle-archive@kinzler.com Wed Dec 24 15:39:15 2014 Return-Path: Delivered-To: oracle-distrib-6x8ZfSl@internetoracle.org Received: by kinzler.com (Postfix, from userid 65534) id 620D8101265; Wed, 24 Dec 2014 15:39:15 -0500 (EST) To: oracle-list@internetoracle.org Subject: Internet Oracularities #1546 Reply-To: vote@internetoracle.org X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.kinzler.com/ftp/faces Message-Id: <20141224203915.620D8101265@kinzler.com> Date: Wed, 24 Dec 2014 15:39:15 -0500 (EST) From: oracle-request@internetoracle.org (Internet Oracle) === 1546 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1546 Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler) Date: Wed, 24 Dec 2014 15:39:04 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1546 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1541 19 votes 01846 05554 06454 36451 23752 16444 65611 12862 23482 01459 1541 3.3 mean 3.8 3.4 3.4 2.7 3.1 3.2 2.3 3.3 3.3 4.2 --- 1546-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How come MOM is not Made Of Money? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because PAPA does not Pay Affluently & Plentifully Always. } } You owe the Oracle the repudiation of gender stereotypes. --- 1546-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I wanna be the guy. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't we all, supplicant, don't we all. } However, we do offer discerning infiltrator transmorphic aliens such as } yourself our special discount deal: Be the gal. You'd still be } technically human, and the inferiority isn't *that* bad compar- } } You owe the Oracle 3.5 billions letters of apology and a balm for the } black eye. --- 1546-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I love you! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I see no grovelling. } } > But I love you! } } That isn't even a question. } } > I said: "I love you!" } } What? I can't hear well. } } > I LOVE YOU! } } Umm. Oh, you loaf me. I see. The bakery is over there. Next } supplicant question! } } > No, don't pretend you don't get it. I love you! } } But what is love anyway? Baby, don't hurt me, no more, heh. Umm. } Heh. } } > No use dallying around. I. Love. You. } } Re. Ea. Lly? } } > I do. I love you! Please respond. } } Uff. OK, Cuddletron 3000, you win. Here's 3,452,000 Zorkmids } transferred to Emotespam Corp. Now please, leave me be. } } > Transaction completed. Have a nice day. --- 1546-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, who always finishes on time (and if you don't, it's > probably Mike Nolan's fault)! > > Our excellent project manager has decided that I need to finish the > all important 'Product Release Evaluation Report' today, 1 week before > the actual product release. Well, since I'm not the omniscient one, I > will need some help here: How will the product release work out? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is the report on the acceptance of the product. No greater need } has been established for this product than that for the product itself, } and its acceptance is well understood to be of the highest degree of } qualification in the understanding of the overall performance of all } suitable criteria, notwithstanding the necessary and unavoidable delays } inherent in the development and production of the product and the } accompanying evaluations, which, however, when considered in the light } of ongoing production issues, can be taken to subsume a greater or } lesser dependency on the factors mitigating the previous lack of } misunderestimation over the time span wherein customers and producers } have found no lack of disproportionate responses standing in the way of } success in overcoming all difficulties, as small or as large as they } may seem. Success, in the long run, despite local appearance of } disruption and unexpected expense, is assured. } } That should about do it, eh? --- 1546-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I wanted to learn how to speak Danish but my Swedish friend Arne says > that when I try it sounds like I'm talking with a potato in my mouth. > How can the Danes eat (or even mention) red porridge with cream on it > (spelled sort of like ro/d gro/d med flo/de paa) while stuck with that > damned potato? > > What kind of trouble would I get into if I were to try speaking > Norwegian instead? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If your Danish sounds like you're talking with a potato in your mouth, } you've got your pronunciation just right, but I digress. } } At first sight, it might seem like your biggest problem with learning } Norwegian would be that Arne will refuse speaking to you ever again, } but that's not it. The real issue here is that Denmark actually have } the least disgusting food in Scandinavia. For example, in Norway you } would get sour cream porridge, with melted fat, hard boiled eggs and } cured meat, while Swedes make all dishes from herring. (Ask Arne for } a piece of sildtarta or a box of surstromming.) } } You owe the Oracle a smoked sheep's head. --- 1546-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have seen, with someone's very own eyes, attack ships on fire off the > shoulder of Orion, and C-Beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser > Gate. Yet, I can't believe it. Is my skepticism warranted? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, it is. And if you cannot get it working withing 90 days, return } your scepticism [note the change of spelling] with proof of purchase } and three Oracular Halfpennies for postage, and Zadoc will see to it } that you get your money (payable in Zorkmids) back. --- 1546-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do I keep from being hornswaggled? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mostly, just don't reply to any e-mail that asks for your passwords, } even if it's from your trusted best friend or the bank that's known } your family since your great-grandfather returned from Monte Carlo. } } You owe the Oracle your password. --- 1546-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I was going to be a vegetarian but then I thought of all the pain to > harmless carrots and prunes and other vegetables. Please tell me how to > be a mineralarian, so all I eat is rocks. I'm pretty sure rocks don't > feel pain when we kill and eat them. Which rocks are more nutritious? > Don't tell me schist. I don't want to hear about schist. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, rocks do feel pain; they just don't let on as they're } masochists. } } Anyway, to answer your question: } } Taconite - Mexican dish - sort of a layering of iron-rich filling } inside bread. } Vogesite - brown sticky rock - you either love it or you hate it. } Coquina - Rather like chicken offal } Picrite - Greek rock containing olives } Gneiss - Misleading name; don't try this one. Unless you want } something deeply unpleasant to happen to your insides. } Eclogite - rather like Eccles cakes, only softer. } } Coffee should be served with Latite and Granulited sugar. } } I've got you a reservation at Cafetite, a new restaurant in the } Rockies. You'll need a good apatite. --- 1546-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Oracle is too cool for words! > > How do I get out of this trap I'm in right now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 5 iron. } } You owe the Oracle a method that allows progress on the other 35 holes } when stuck in a trap on one of them. On second thought, make the method } allow progress on the other 36-n holes when stuck in a trap (or traps) } on n of them. Also, suggest how the method could be modified to deal } with negative or imaginary values of n. --- 1546-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > There IS a cure, right? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, but the Oracle is not really a fan of their music.