From owner-oracle-archive@kinzler.com Wed Sep 9 08:48:31 2015 Return-Path: Delivered-To: oracle-distrib-3z2MfSl@internetoracle.org Received: by kinzler.com (Postfix, from userid 65534) id C0683100483; Wed, 9 Sep 2015 08:48:30 -0400 (EDT) To: oracle-list@internetoracle.org Subject: Internet Oracularities #1555 Reply-To: vote@internetoracle.org X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.kinzler.com/ftp/faces Message-Id: <20150909124830.C0683100483@kinzler.com> Date: Wed, 9 Sep 2015 08:48:30 -0400 (EDT) From: oracle-request@internetoracle.org (Internet Oracle) === 1555 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1555 Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler) Date: Wed, 09 Sep 2015 08:48:19 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1555 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1550 18 votes 25443 33840 42723 36810 35532 18621 14481 22662 41733 13842 1550 2.9 mean 3.1 2.7 2.9 2.4 2.8 2.7 3.2 3.2 3.0 3.2 --- 1555-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My grandad pronounces humidity funny. You and I say humMIDity but he > says HUM-did-did-ity. > > I clearly need to trade him in on someone just as quaint but less > idiotic. How can I get you are my replacement grampaw? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What are you talking about? It is pronounced HUM-did-did-ity, you } little scallywag. } } Grandad Oracle } } PS Careful kid, you nearly blew my cover. When I die (or at least, } since the Oracle is an immortal being, fake my own death), I'll leave } you the plans for the time-machine I used to go back in time and seduce } your grandmother. } } You owe the Oracle a good amount of lobbying to ensure that inheritance } tax does not cover "old but potentially valuable scientific equipment". } It's for your own good, kid. --- 1555-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've got it. How do I flaunt it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As you know, a flautist plays the flute. So it's quite obvious that a } flauntist (that'll be you) plays the fluent. He also preys on the } affluent. } } You thought you had a good scheme, standing on the street corner with } your hat on the ground, playing the fluent. Or maybe the flute. You } could make up to three dollars in a day, or occasionally more if no one } stole your hat. } } The correct method is totally different. } } Dress in a good suit of clothes. Approach someone similarly dressed, } and say, "I'm terribly sorry to mention this, but I just got mugged, } and the miscreant took my wallet and all my money. I don't have any way } to get home. Could you possibly spare a twenty? If you'll give me your } business card I'll see that I get it back to you, doubled." Prey on the } affluent like this ten times in a day and you'll have $200. } } Never approach the same affluent person twice. } } If you feel OCD about that promise (to "get it back...doubled") then } mail the sucker his business card back, folded. --- 1555-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "I'm not afraid to say it, that hairdo makes you look like Bert from > Sesame Street." > > I almost posted this on Facebook, but I was afraid in fact, because he > didn't look like he had a sense of humor. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wait a second here! } } Are you telling me Tim Chew actually got his first Facebook friend? --- 1555-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My map shows that Greenland and Africa are the same size but my > teacher says that is stupid and Greenland is 14 times bigger. How can > I trade in for a new one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's easy! Those teachers are a dime a dozen. --- 1555-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > That's the only girl I know who... > > Uh, never mind. She might see this. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Indeed, she's my incarnation this time. } } Sorry, Bub. --- 1555-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dog person or cat person? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Listen, if you need my help to answer an entrace exam like that, then } maybe higher education isn't for you. --- 1555-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true that no-one can buy happiness? Because I think I succeeded > once. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You _think_ you did, but that's only because you haven't gone to the } doctor for that test yet. --- 1555-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > In this one "Peanuts" comic, Sally pulls "5", who pulls Schroeder, who > pulls Lucy, who pulls Shermy, who pulls Patty, who pulls Violet, who > pulls "Pig-pen", who pulls "3" and "4", who pull Freida, who pulls > Charlie Brown, who pulls Snoopy, who hangs for dear life on a tree > because he doesn't WANT another rabies shot! > What's the matter with him, anyway? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't want one either. You can have mine. --- 1555-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's sugar times sugar times sugar? > > Dang it, that only gets "sugar cubed", not "sugar cubes"! Grr, never > mind. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm fully supportive of your effort to run a themed coffee shop since } times are tough even for physics graduates, but you should probably } hire a proper barista for the flirty service bit. } } You owe the Oracle the fractal negative-spin antimatter non-fat grande } cappuccino I ordered five minutes ago. No sugar, no jokes. --- 1555-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: twchew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've decided I need a "heal-a-monster", so that I can be healed. > Where may I get one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Go to the same place that other supplicant goes, the one who whines } about "Steal toad shoes."