From owner-oracle-archive@kinzler.com Mon Jan 11 21:01:12 2016 Return-Path: Delivered-To: oracle-distrib-2m2BfBl@internetoracle.org Received: by kinzler.com (Postfix, from userid 65534) id EBF44100460; Mon, 11 Jan 2016 21:01:11 -0500 (EST) To: oracle-list@internetoracle.org Subject: Internet Oracularities #1559 Reply-To: vote@internetoracle.org X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.kinzler.com/ftp/faces Message-Id: <20160112020111.EBF44100460@kinzler.com> Date: Mon, 11 Jan 2016 21:01:11 -0500 (EST) From: oracle-request@internetoracle.org (Internet Oracle) === 1559 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1559 Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler) Date: Mon, 11 Jan 2016 21:01:00 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1559 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1554 21 votes 47253 25671 04485 04944 13467 24582 15672 13a43 05682 032c4 1554 3.3 mean 2.8 3.0 3.7 3.4 3.7 3.2 3.2 3.2 3.3 3.8 --- 1559-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: twchew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Terrible service! I'm not getting any satisfaction from your help desk. > I sent in a question and got a stupid answer (which is NOT > what I was told to expect!) and then I wrote and complained > about the answer, and I got an INSULT!!! > > I am highly insulted that you would allow anyone on your staff to > insult me. What sort of idiots do you hire? What sort of > idiots do you take us, your customers to be? You might as > well replace your idiotic staff with random selections from > your customers, and see if they could do a better job! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it's still better than what you get from Larry Ellison's Oracle. --- 1559-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My goshness, you can't be serious. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hardly. I was Sirius last week. Now I'm Aldebaran. Or is that Rigel? } } You owe the Oracle two Bootes filled with O'Ryan's Beetle Juice. --- 1559-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please sing me a song by They Are Almost Certainly Not Dwarfs. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are obviously referring to Zadoc's famous band, Twisted Priester, } starring Zadoc himself on vocals, Rick, Mike, Christophe, Mark, Otis } and Tim on guitar[1] and Dave on pot lids. As all of them are Grumpy, } Sleepy and Dopey I can see that they can easily be confused with } dwarfs, but note that the remaining four personalities is missing. } } Anyway, I hereby leave the stage to the one and only[2] ZADOC! } } (*Ahem*) } It was in the town of London, the year was ninety three } It was there this Richard Wilson, stepped up and said to me } How do you do old hobo and how would you like to be } A honoured and respected priest of the Oracl-e? } } He'll furnish you no wages, your transportation too } If you will but go with me, one summer season through } But if you should get homesick and back to London flee } Then He'll furnish you a zotting from the staff of the Oracl-e! } } I left the town of London in the merry month of May } When all the clouds were raining and everything was gray } With a lifebelt round my shoulders, a-swimming I did go } Until I reached the Temple out in Bloomingto'! } } It was there my pleasures ended and my troubles they began } The first ZOT storm fell on us, those supplicants how they ran } Through all the thorns and thistles, us priests had to go } While the Oracle watched upon us, and Zot us did he do! } } Well, when the flight was over, the Oracle would not pay } To all you happy people, this much I have to say } Go back to your friends and loved ones, tell others not to be } A honoured and respected priest of the Oracl-e! } } Thank you. Thank you very much! } } [1] Unfortunately they could only afford one[3], so they spend most of } the concerts fighting over it. } [2] And thank whatever deity you want for that } [3] Not that they could afford a real guitar either, it's really a } board with 6[4] rubber bands nailed to it. } [4] Two of them snapped. --- 1559-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you: 'Priceless'! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wearing a sixty dollar clown suit to prove it, $60. } } You owe The Internet Oracle a clown suit that is built to last, and } meets his personal taste. --- 1559-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVS Gmail The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great orrie in the clouds, > must sing him praises very loud: > > So, Dad accidentally put the cat into the sausage machine, or so he > says, and I want to reverse the process. > How can I convert sausages back into my cat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, excellent. A problem in physics. I always like to see my } supplicants attempt physics. } } What is needed here is elementary time travel. First let's establish } what happened. There was the sausage grinder. } } GRRRR-KACHINK-SPLGGT--GRRRR-KACHINK-SPLGGT--GRRRR-KACHINK-SPLGGT--GRRRR- } KACHINK-SPLGGT--GRRRR-KACHINK-SPLGGT } } Then there was the cat. } } MROWW. PURRR. MROW. PURRRRRRR. } } Then the combination. } } GRRRR-KACHINK-SPLGGT--MROWWWWW-MRRROWWWWWWW-HISSS-MWRKACHINK-SPLGGT--MRO } WWWWW-MRRROWWWWWWW-HISSS-MWRKACHINK-SPLGGT--MROWWWWW-MRRROWWWWWWW-HISSS- } MWRKACHINK-SPLGGT--MROWWWWW-MRRROWWWWWWW-HISSS-MWRKACHINK-SPLGGT--MROWWW } WW-MRRROWWWWWWW-HISSS-MWRKACHINK-SPLGGT--MROWWWWW-MRRROWWWWWWW-HISSS-MWR } KACHINK-SPLGGT--MROWWWWW-MRRROWWWWWWW-HISSS-MWRKACHINK-SPLGGT--MROWWWWW- } MRRROWWWWWWW-HISSS-MWRKACHINK-SPLGGT--MROWWWWW-MRRROWWWWWWW-HISSS-MWRKAC } HINK-SPLGGT } } Now, grab one hand firmly onto the present, and don't let go until the } precise moment that we are finished. You'll need your hand on the } present to return here. } } As a side note (rightly on the side, but placed in line in this } rendition) you should remember that Christmas presents are returnable, } except for underwear. So if the present to which you wish to return to } from or of is under, rather than over or above, and is wearing but not } weary, there may be some difficulty. Fear not, though, because in time } travel almost anything is possible. } } Got a good hold on the present? } } Here we go!!! } } TGGLPS-KNIHCAKRWM-SSSIH-WWWWWWWORRRM-WWWWWORM--TGGLPS-KNIHCAKRWM-SSSIH-W } WWWWWWORRRM-WWWWWORM--TGGLPS-KNIHCAKRWM-SSSIH-WWWWWWWORRRM-WWWWWORM--TGG } LPS-KNIHCAKRWM-SSSIH-WWWWWWWORRRM-WWWWWORM--TGGLPS-KNIHCAKRWM-SSSIH-WWWW } WWWORRRM-WWWWWORM--TGGLPS-KNIHCAKRWM-SSSIH-WWWWWWWORRRM-WWWWWORM--TGGLPS } -KNIHCAKRWM-SSSIH-WWWWWWWORRRM-WWWWWORM--TGGLPS-KNIHCAKRWM-SSSIH-WWWWWWW } ORRRM-WWWWWORM--TGGLPS-KNIHCAKRWM-SSSIH-WWWWWWWORRRM-WWWWWORM--TGGLPS-KN } IHCAK-RRRRG } } MROW. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. } } The cat is back. You can now...OOPS! } } GRRRR-KACHINK-SPLGGT--YARRGGHHH-GRRRR-KACHINK-SPLGGT--YARRGGHHH-GRRRR-KA } CHINK-SPLGGT--YARRGGHHH } } Oh dear. You didn't let go fast enough when you came back to the } present, and you fell into the grinder. } } Thank you for giving me a delicious supplicant sausage. I'll have it } for Christmas dinner. --- 1559-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I know about the Peano axioms of arithmetic, but the question on the > mathematics final exam says "Piano axioms" instead. Is this merely a > stupid auto-correction that snunck by the TA who wrote the test for > the professor, or is there some secret and hidden subterfuge going on? > Please answer immediately because I have to hand in my answers in 45 > minutes. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm afraid you'll just have to face the music. --- 1559-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you accept my crystals? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look at that one! 7154 kHz. Formerly useful for novice-band CW amateur } service in the US, maybe 60 years ago, but no longer. } } Besides, I know how to achieve any frequency (or quefrency) that I want } without any fancy crystal stuff, just by simple exhaling. } } Try at Eurnie's Eused Jeunk Eumporium, over on the other side of the } city. Don't tell him I sent you. --- 1559-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Jester to Queen Merchant 7. Your move. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Knave poisons Jester. Check! --- 1559-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You saw this coming. > > Is the new Star Wars any good? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sorry, but this question has been transleptorouted to an incarnation } who lives on a planet in a galaxy ever further and further away. The } OLD Star Wars hasn't made it here yet, and we are still watching } re-runs of Captain Midnight and Rootie Kazootie. } } The Oracle will eventually regret having put recruitment posters in } Rootie Kazootie's dressing room at the WNBT studio. } } You owe the Oracle the complete story of "Whatever happened to Channel } One in US Television?" --- 1559-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tellme the difference between Noah's Ark, and Noah Fence. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Rather difficult to do this without offending you. Finding a difference } requires mathematics, but you (I know you well) are one of those } creatures who has trouble with anything larger than the number of your } fingers. } } Let's try, regardless. No offense intended. Mostly. } } $ cat >na } Noah's Ark } ^D } $ cat >nf } Noah Fence } ^D } $ od -d na } 0000000 28494 26721 29479 16672 27506 10 } 0000013 } $ od -d nf } 0000000 28494 26721 17952 28261 25955 10 } 0000013 } $ dc } 29479 17952-p } 11527 } 16672 28261-p } -11589 } 27506 25955-p } 1551 } ++pq } 1489 } $ } } There you have it! The difference is 1489.