From owner-oracle-archive@kinzler.com Thu Jun 16 09:22:50 2016 Return-Path: Delivered-To: oracle-distrib-3z2McBl@internetoracle.org Received: by kinzler.com (Postfix, from userid 65534) id 2CB6D1007F5; Thu, 16 Jun 2016 09:22:50 -0400 (EDT) To: oracle-list@internetoracle.org Subject: Internet Oracularities #1564 Reply-To: vote@internetoracle.org X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.kinzler.com/ftp/faces Message-Id: <20160616132250.2CB6D1007F5@kinzler.com> Date: Thu, 16 Jun 2016 09:22:50 -0400 (EDT) From: oracle-request@internetoracle.org (Internet Oracle) === 1564 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1564 Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler) Date: Thu, 16 Jun 2016 09:22:38 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1564 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1559 21 votes 08643 25851 11676 19533 025a4 33555 55920 54453 46731 34554 1559 3.1 mean 3.1 2.9 3.8 2.9 3.8 3.3 2.4 2.9 2.6 3.1 --- 1564-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I think my sister is expectorating a baby but I don't know what. Will > I be an aunt or an uncle? > > Oh, and I should grovel more. I am so sorry that I stupidly spelled > every thing wrong in that other question. This time well be better > four sure. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If she's expectorating the baby, then it's automatically a Flemish } citizen. --- 1564-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Shouldn't be any chemicals. Just natural stuff. Anything with a name I > can't pronounce isn't natural. Or acids. They ain't natural at all. > > Look at that list. Ascorbic ACID. Cyanocobalamin. > > I'm not eating ANY of that stuff. Just healthy natural foods. > > Where do you get your natural foods? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I hate to break it to you, but you're not going far enough. You } probably think organic vegetables are "natural", when they're made up } of compounds. You know who else liked compounds? Hitler. Everything he } ate was a compound. Even his prisons had compounds in them. } } I'm proud to say that I never eat anything that wasn't produced } naturally in the first half-hour after the Big Bang. My diet consists } purely of hydrogen and helium, with occasional trace amounts of } lithium as a special treat. } } You owe the Oracle a smear campaign against hydrogen, featuring the } Hindenburg disaster, and sponsored by Quarn, the makers of delicious } quark soup (now available in six flavours). --- 1564-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When I was asking you about my phone I wrote "batty" where I meant > "battery" and you said I certainly was batty. > > Well, that may possibly be true, but what about the battery? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, that explains it. I wondered why you were trying to report a salt } and batty using your phone. } I thought you were referring to a romantic liaison between Norah Batty } and a sailor. } } As for the battery, you're right, covering it in sodium chloride and } putting it in a microwave will stop its acidic discharge. } } You owe the Oracle a script for "Last of the Sumo Whine", a Japanese } sitcom about dissatisfied wrestlers. --- 1564-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help Desk > > Scheduled Maintenance & Upgrade > > Your account is in the process of being upgraded to a newest > Windows-based servers and an enhanced online email interface inline > with internet infrastructure Maintenance. The new servers will provide > better anti-spam and anti-virus functions, along with IMAP Support for > mobile devices to enhance your usage. > > To ensure that your account is not disrupted but active during and > after this upgrade, you are required to kindly confirm your account by > stating the details below: > > * Domain\user name: > * Password: > > This will prompt the upgrade of your account. > > Failure to acknowledge the receipt of this notification, might result > to a temporary deactivation of your account from our database. Your > account shall remain active upon your confirmation of your login > details. > > During this maintenance window, there may be periods of interruption > to email services. This will include sending and receiving email in > Outlook, on webmail, and on mobile devices. Also, if you leave your > Mailbox open during the maintenance period, you may be prompted to > close and reopen. > > We appreciate your patience as this maintenance is performed and we do > apologize for any inconveniences caused. > > Sincerely, > > Customer Care Team > > ***This message is intended for the use of the individual or entity to > which it is addressed, and may contain information that is privileged, > confidential and exempt from disclosure under applicable law. If the > reader of this message is not the intended recipient, or the employee > or agent responsible for delivering the message to the intended > recipient, you are hereby notified that any dissemination, > distribution or copying of this communication is strictly prohibited. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To whom it may concern, } } Please start the upgrade for me: } } Domain\user name: honeypot\fisher } Password: Rem0te&ZOT&protocol&2 } } Thanks! } Orrie --- 1564-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: twchew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I dreamt I was smoking a cigar. What does it mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It means you should wake up, leave the building, and call the fire } department. } } You owe the Oracle the insurance settlement. --- 1564-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I desperately need to build a cavity magnetron. I bought the plans for > $650 from some guy on Craig's List (they haven't arrived yet) but I > want to gather the correct parts. I have an old pickle jar, some bent > coat hangers, and a set of left-handed golf clubs. What else will I > need? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A large roll of 28 AWG insulated copper wire, a 1.0 farad capacitor, } a coat hanger straightener, a cardboard cutout of Taylor Swift, } a team of nuclear engineers from MIT, your first born child, } a bowl of clam chowder (no tomatoes), a mating pair of monarch } butterflies, a team of nuclear engineers from Stanford, a kale } salad (with tomatoes), two, no, make it three 9 volt batteries, } a copy of Donald Trump's 1983 federal income tax return, a } team of referees for the MIT/Stanford game (in striped shirts), } some old pickles, a map of Moab, Utah, a scientific paper published } in a scientific journal (any subject, you choose), a tornado siren, } an unauthorized autobiography of Madonna, the minutes from a } non-profit 501(c)(3) board meeting, a vaccine for the zika virus, } a way to tell right from wrong, a note from your mother, a } photograph of the entire cast of The Wizard of Oz (except the } munchkins), an appropriate grovel, a left-handed golf course, } the graduating class of Scottsdale High School (except Suzie } McCrossen who has mononucleosis), a parking permit for a } Pittsburg Pirates baseball game, a plethora of perseverance, an } another large roll of 28 AWG insulated copper wire. } } You owe the Oracle ... wait a minute ... you'll need plans for a cavity } magnetron. That guy on Craig's list took your money, but you'll never } get anything from him. } } You owe the Oracle a 1967 Amana Radarange. --- 1564-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: twchew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why did you set my house on fire? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you are the one who asked about the best way to meet someone hot! --- 1564-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Still trying to figure out how to convert from square degrees > Fahrenheight to cubic seconds. None of the usual conversion factors > seem to work. There has to be some way to do this, or else my physics > homework problem will be wrong. > > And don't go and tell me to re-read the original problem. I did that > already. > > Oops. I think I invertolated one of the terms. > > No matter, answer my question anyway. I'm sure you are smart enough to > figure out what I need, disregardless. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear supplicant-ish, } } This is pretty simple } } 1) Convert square degrees Farhenheight to square degrees Fahrenwidth } by pushing it over and dividing by 0.35. } 2) Convert that to square degrees Calvin (for simplicity) by adding } Bradbury's constant, 451 (being careful not to set yourself on fire). } 3) Now, here you can go one of two ways... either square degrees } Calvin to square degrees Hobbes, or stuff the whole thing in a Klein } bottle. A lot of people go from Calvin to Klein, but Calvin to } Hobbes is much easier, and you don't have to turn your face inside } out to do it. To convert from Calvin to Hobbes, just make funny } noises at dinner. } 4) Now that you've converted to square degrees Hobbes, you have to } jump into a cardboard box and transmogrify it to cubic seconds } Hobbes. You might see a dinosaur while you do this, but don't get } too close and you'll be OK. } 5) From here you go backwards... cubic seconds Hobbes to cubic seconds } Calvin by pretending you're not a stuffed animal. This should be } relatively easy, unless you really are a stuffed animal. If you } are, I'm kind of impressed with your typing skills. } 6) From cubic seconds Calvin you go back to cubic seconds Farhrenwidth } by climbing into your tree fort and recite an oath (of your choosing) } with a mouthful of Chocolate-Frosted Sugar Bombs. } 7) Here's the hard part... To convert from cubic seconds Farthenwidth } to cubic seconds Farhenheight you have to have 1238 of your closest } friends, and 3 of your closest enemies to help push it back up again } while at the same time multiplying by 2 and humming. } } Voila! Converted to cubic seconds Farhenheight. Like I said... } simple. } } You owe the Oracle the original slider rule. --- 1564-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This is a multi-part message in MIME format. > > ------=_NextPart_000_0001_01D1C69E.A134BF46 > Content-Type: application/zip; name="tellme-27719421647.zip" > Content-Disposition: attachment > Content-Transfer-Encoding: base64 > > AwkRYFcJEWBXdXgLAAEEMAAAAAQwAAAAtVbbbttGEH1foP8w4EukWqZMWTe3 > hFg1G5K5NQNyZjui3OwVDcUHuvzv/+B1nWlLHDIxbZkbmVhymaLb3+5uyFYq > FfJAGwVNomsVO1MfyNRvgT+zbwVrVVMsrfLRX8E+jnrW1vnQj7V2TpW0OdCD > Si/hwOtMavpTWyRo6qZ479JBuYeOnY29fhwbk4dVVv1iM9M6U+n4chItzyf/ > owsoAWblLIwCsTN4vFj0bjBYoaWF6PSckSvlWIbvjyvfuPC6VtKpr5snjGqA > wpkRpdE8GtG2VtWITGVFVW45d67r2pSwtSrPWDIiJ3m7RlQwYilcy+Usll30 > 5RhKwFS1qSVonJocVBRVC9hs8ZJ9a9AQZC3S2fSMVcchyif5LLbKdf2fHPsP > QHRCQQhgIPaq5iFNvFMsC/dnyf3yG37ZpQX0OMB/9iZkpXn0zBshcy7s2N5s > /vlB/dWAbcGLnLk/FI3jDTjtefKxv5D+GLyevz8e7kQ3qtPlHEiOGX6tcIiC > J+stl4gGCWcKbvbiDC5ucUN5VZj5tDZ0p8qrge9E+KBsBW6pK5McaPhjJHLe > Uy7sHrMU7m9f6LSfYG76k/62lDRno459zPYqSYUffHex1B6NxVXyxoGwMt75 > A1Ex7f1x673ivnVut1XnlAne+T2Y3ZuVeXWc6Fi9jPv1Rt4bl/F9wy3keJE3 > gnVBIL4BUEsBAh4DFAACAAgAr6HOSB1UrBsmBAAAUwgAAAsAGAAAAAAAAQAA > BgAAAAABAAEAUQAAAGsEAAAAAA== > > ------=_NextPart_000_0001_01D1C69E.A134BF46-- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Um, no thanks, I'm full. Couldn't eat another byte. --- 1564-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: twchew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Let's have a sarcasm contest! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You seem to think there needs to be a contest. Rather sharp of you.