From owner-oracle-archive@kinzler.com Mon Dec 24 20:23:54 2018 Return-Path: Delivered-To: oracle-distrib-3k7MeBg@internetoracle.org Received: by kinzler.com (Postfix, from userid 65534) id 53A1410040A; Mon, 24 Dec 2018 20:23:54 -0500 (EST) To: oracle-list@internetoracle.org Subject: Internet Oracularities #1582 Reply-To: vote@internetoracle.org X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.kinzler.com/ftp/faces Message-Id: <20181225012354.53A1410040A@kinzler.com> Date: Mon, 24 Dec 2018 20:23:54 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle === 1582 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1582 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 24 Dec 2018 20:23:43 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1582 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1577 18 votes 02781 13644 10773 01917 04734 10656 54531 24651 32643 15624 1577 3.3 mean 3.4 3.4 3.6 3.8 3.4 3.8 2.5 2.9 3.1 3.2 --- 1582-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello, my name Aleksander Przybyszewski. Good Polish name. I try to > get job as Pole Dancer but they reject me. Telling me only girls can > apply and is okay even girls who not Polish. Maybe you hire me as Pole > Dancer? I can even do Ukrainian dance too. Like hopak dance you > already know very athletic. I wait you help. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You really need to improve your repertoire. Can I suggest you learn } some of the following other European dances: } } Czech Dance: That weird ceremony where you pretend to be really } generous in offering to pay for your date's meal but secretly don't } want to. } } UK Dance: That weird ceremony where your Prime Minister dances at her } party's conference and pretends to want Brexit, but secretly doesn't. } } Swedish Dance: Like a Pole dance, but while wearing turnips. } } Vatican Dance: Euphemism for the withdrawal method of contraception. } } Turkey Dance: That thing at Thanksgiving where you freak out your } vegan friend by pretending that the food has come back to life. } } Belgium Dance: Dance like nobody's watching. Oh, wait, they're not. } Because no-one cares what you do. Like Belgium. } } Italian Dance: How to distract a Mafia godfather. } } Swiss Dance: Done with precision, with a sensation of melted } chocolate. Typically used as a numbing technique at an assisted dying } clinic. } } Maltese Dance: Maximum footwork effort in order to make your partner's } corns hurt. It's how you make a Maltese Cross. } } Irish Dance: Dance like you're holding two incredibly heavy bags of } potatoes in either hand, and are running away from the British, } frequently looking over your shoulder. } } Greece Dance: Not sure I know this one. Tell me more, tell me more, } does it go very far? } } You owe the Oracle a dance from Lapland. --- 1582-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Thank you for the bottle of invisible ink. I put it down somewhere and > now I can't find it. Where is it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I've got plenty more of that, and to prove it, I'm gonna write the } instructions on how to obtain more using it: --- 1582-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Well, where's the fun in that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As always, the fun is in trying to render it into a palindrome. Many } palindromes just don't quite work. For example you might like to } consider A MAN A PLAN A CANAL: SUEZ. Or ABLE WAS I ERE I SAW WATERLOO. } Or perhaps you would prefer to avoid thinking about them. Too late. } } You owe the Oracle a nut for a jar of tuna. --- 1582-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I told my friend Sam about you and he says I am mental. He says you are > mental too. How mental are we? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Experi --- 1582-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, Orrie, Orrie, you've gotta help me now. > > Bet on the Red Sox to lose the Pennant, generally a sure thing, good > for LOTS of money if I place the bets with guys I meet in bars in > Southie. Your yourself encouraged me by suggesting I study math better. > > Well, they won the Pennant, so I bet on them to lose the Series, four > games to zip. Brooklyn (now Los Angeles) has always been a true > powerhouse of baseball. > > Goddam Red Sox won the Series, today (29 October). I now owe about > $275,000 to a bunch of guys in Southie all of whom carry a mean > baseball bat. > > What should I do now? Maybe hide in your castle and pretend to be you? > Or what? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, I see you have met Orrie-corp's Southie branch. Always happy to } meet a satisfied customer! Say 'hi' to Og and Thag when you get back, } they've done an excellent job since I put them in charge. Anyway, you } should have followed my suggestion about math, because you have } calculated the accumulated per-day interest for the last month all } wrong. You need to do it by hand, since most computers just don't } have enough bits to prevent an overflow error. } } I should have added an 'You owe the Oracle ...'-line here but you } already know that. --- 1582-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Should I tell them what I put in it before they taste it, or after? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } While they are taking that first bite. } } Reminder: Calculate the range of projectile vomiting ahead of time so } that you can be certain you are out of range. Watch videos of people } trying to eat surstromming for a better understanding of the concept. } } You owe the Oracle a sure-fire method of spelling "surstromming" that } supplies the necessary umlaut of the "o" while not running afoul the } the Oracle's extremely limited character set. --- 1582-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This is horrible, horrible, horrible. I wanted to ask you about the > country called Trinidad and Tobago. Yes it is just one place but it is > named double. > > Ufnortunately I spell-chucked myself into writing Trinity and Tabasco. > Because the question was broken, I did not send it. Or did I? Not even > your famed omniscience could know the answer, because even if I did > send it you might have not received it, or vice reversal. > > So instead tell me something that is probably probable. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear suppleness, } } The Oration has constabled your quest. } } In these busy danes, it is very diffident to ensure that all the } contexts of an email mess are corruptly spilled. Your receptacle is } therefrom unlucky to be consigned whether the spell was accumulated or } not. } } In the unlucky evening they dud actuately rescind it, they probably } stacked it strait into the tractor. } } Your missing is impotent to us. } The Oration. --- 1582-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I crossed my eyes and dotted my Tees. Now I have spotted T-shirts that > I can't see clearly. Why do I accept your advice? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mostly for the Instagram followers. --- 1582-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > We are sposed to bisect a frog for bioligy class. Yuck. Maybe if I > make a joke like you told me about OPEN TOAD shoes I will get throne > out of class before we start. > > What do you suggest? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Work on your spelling, and the frog might change into a handsome } blueprints. --- 1582-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey Orrie. I do hope you realize what big trouble you're in! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course, of course. I am even more omniscient than you think I am, so } I know that sort of thing far better than you could ever dream of. I } even know how to use more than one preposition to end a sentence up } with. How's THAT for smarts? } } As for the specific trouble, it was competition from Yahoo Answers that } originally had me worried, but as you know that place has become a nest } of trolls who have escaped their original hiding places, such as } Norway, Minnesota, South Dakota, and other slow states, and are now } asking some of the most stupid questions ever seen (or unseen) in any } universe. } } What I need is quality, not quantity. } } You owe the Oracle 10,000 supplicants who actually have brains. Yes, } yes, I know we are struggling against zombies who eat the brains of } potential supplicants--just look at some of the recent } supplications--but we can overcome that with extra effort. As the late } and almost incomparable Anna Russell said, "We must all get behind } ourselves and PUSH!" You may, if you desire, compare Russell to Lehrer } or to Flanders & Swann, but to no one else.