


Eternal Truths
Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.


Donkey Deep
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously
for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, so it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realised what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovelful of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and thoroughly kicked the guy that tried to bury him before trotting off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! 
Shake it off and take a step up!
Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it will usually come back to get you


Good Advice: 
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
But the Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.


Right On….
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."


Johnny Carson
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."


Oscar Wilde
"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like all the other passengers in his car."


Jack Handy
"Instead of getting married again, I'm just going to find some woman I don't like and give her a house." - Steven Seagal
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." - Roseanne


Hot Air
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." 
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." 
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" 
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." 
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." 
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" 
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."


Handey Hint
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face." -Jack Handey


Efficiency
"I just bought a microwave fireplace...You can spend a whole evening in front of it in only eight minutes." - Steven Wright


Wrong Tune
A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"
The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"
The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"
So the guy sits the dog at the piano, and the dog starts playing ragtime, a little swing, some Gershwin. The bartender is amazed and patrons are enjoying the music when suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"
The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wants him to be a doctor."


Wired
Then there was the Indian chief who installed electric lights in the tribal latrine, and thus became the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation.


Dead Right
A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' station saying: "Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous."
And written underneath was, "The last few are pretty risky, too...."


It Ain't Fair
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they are home they either want to be left alone and sleep, or they want to eat. In other words, all those things that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.


Too Fly
Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling them.
One turns to the other and says, "Boy, you'll never get ME up in one of them things."


Give it Eleven
"The English are not very spiritual people, so they invented cricket to give themselves some idea of eternity." -George Bernard Shaw


How's That? 
There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't even tell the truth without lying." --Josh Billings


Dig this…
"I don't see why they say marriage is the pits - all my marriages have worked fine." (Unknown)
Mom says….
"Every teenager should get a good high school education; even if they already know everything." 


Right on, Dad. 
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, "Man, I don't know and I don't care."


Revelation or Evolution
One day, an ape escaped from the Zoo. They searched for him everywhere in every district. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as in the newspapers, but no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, the ape was found in the Public Library. Officials of the zoo and the animal keepers were summoned to the library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other was a book written by Darwin.
When the zookeepers asked the ape what he was doing, the ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."


Stretched Truth. 
Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, the first guy said, "Panty stitcher...I sew the elastic onto women's panties."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. 
The second guy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Diesel fitter is listed as a skilled job, so the clerk gave the second guy $600 a week.
When the first guy found out he was furious. He stormed into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled, but diesel fitters are skilled labor."
"What skill?!" yelled the panty stitcher. "I sew the elastic on and then he stretches it out tight and decides, Yep, dese'll fit 'er."


Unsettled ! 
"A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce." Don Quinn


Peace Insurance
Getting away from their high-stress work, a couple spend relaxing weekends in their motor home. Finding their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.
Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV:
"Insurance agent. Ask about our whole of life package."


Detail
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.
"That is one smart dog," the man commented.
"He's not that smart," said one of the losing players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."


Sounds Fine to me…. 
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. 
"Keep it," the cop said, "then when you've collected four of them you get a bicycle."


Going, going……….
Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. He says that if it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."
There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two, five!"


No Sweat
This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night."
His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened."
The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch."
She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?" 
I said, "Sure, of course you can," and shut the door.


Sid Said
"The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, HE was a genius." -Sid Caesar
Fact and Fallacy
Actions speak louder than words but the pen is mightier than the sword.
Look before you leap because he who hesitates is lost.
Many hands make light work while too many cooks spoil the broth.
Don't judge a book by its cover because clothes maketh the man.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is better safe than sorry.
The bigger, the better and the best things come in small packages.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, out of sight, out of mind.
Life is what you make it, so what ever will be, will be.
Forewarned is forearmed so cross your bridges when you come to them.
What's good for the goose is good for the gander but one man's meat is another man's poison.
With age comes wisdom and out of the mouths of babes come all wise sayings.
Two's company, three's a crowd, the more, the merrier, but take no thought for tomorrow because a stitch in time saves nine!


A Different Slant…..
The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa because, "What good is it to have the inclination if you don't have the time?"


Two rules for life: 
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.


For Thought
"Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they do make wonderful ancestors." - David Brenner
One Way To Get It In The Neck……
"Most people are pretty scared of werewolves, but I bet if you saw one crying because the other wolves had made fun of him, you'd be like me and would probably feel sorry for him and try to pet him." 
"That was my first mistake." --Unknown


Under Done
Did you hear about the cheap skate vampire hunter? He tried to kill a vampire by driving a pork chop through its heart because steaks were too expensive.


Eloquence
A distinguished clergyman and a friend were playing golf. It was a very close match, and at the last hole the two were only one stroke apart. The clergyman teed up, addressed the ball, and swung his driver with great force...slicing the ball deep into the woods.
The clergyman glared, and bit his lip while his face turned crimson, but said nothing. His opponent watched him for a while and then remarked, "Reverend, that's the most profane silence I have ever heard."


Child Psychology
A teen-aged boy with spiked hair, nose ring and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."


Imprinting
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I really do think it's time to tell him he was adopted."


Quickies
"I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone." --Elayne Boosle"Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery." -Unknown 
"Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you." -Fran Lebowitz


Sounds Reasonable to Me
What did the mama buffalo say to the little buffalo when he went off to college? 
"Bison."




