


Clean Joke
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Now which one of you gentlemen wanted the clean glass?"


That's Easy! 
Q: How do you identify a bald eagle?
A: All of his feathers are combed to one side.


Subject: Little Known Facts 
1. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts
2. It is impossible to lick your elbow
3. A crocodile can't stick its tongue out
4. A shrimp's heart is in their head
5. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond
6. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand (or attempted to do so)
7. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky
8. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit 
9. Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas
10. By law, every child in Belgium must take harmonica lessons at Primary school
11. On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime
12. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call
13. Rats and horses can't vomit
14. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language
15. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they will pop out
16. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants
17. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times
18. If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles? 
19. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere
20. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match
21. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married
22. A duck's quack doesn't echo anywhere, and no one knows why
23. 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks
24. In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders
25. Most lipstick contains fish scales
26. Cat's urine glows under a black light
27. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
Now, when was the last time you left your tongue print someplace, or tried to lick your elbow?


From Ashes to Ashes
Two widows were visiting in the lounge of the Seniors' Center.
"Well," one said, "Mary has just cremated her third husband."
"Yeah, that's the way it goes," replied the other widow. 
"Some of us can't find a husband, and others have husbands to burn!"


How To Wash the Cat
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet. Cat is actually enjoying this).
6. Flush 3 or 4 times, this provides power rinse which is quite effective.
7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.
Sincerely, The Dog


New Arrivals
One day a Pope and a lawyer died and went to heaven. God came and said, "Follow me and I will give you your rooms."
So they both followed. First God gave the Pope his room; it was very small with a small bed and a small desk. "Thank you, thank you my lord," said The Pope.
Then God gave the lawyer his room; it was big room with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and a pretty woman. "Mr. God, why are you giving this room to me and the other little one to The Pope?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, popes we get regular as clockwork, but you're our first lawyer."


Prezackly! 
A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn't. --Unknown
"My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He prescribed a strong placebo, but I don't think it's working." -Fred Marcum
"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up." --Unknown


You Gotta be Quick 
A New Yorker was being shown around the back country of Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" he asked. 
The cousin smirked, "Well thatall depends on how fast ya carry it."


Home on the Range
Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, "Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten, miserable beasts I have ever seen."
One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know, I think I just heard a discouraging word."


Fast Thinking
A wild dog is running through the jungle. While wandering about he notices a leopard heading in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boy, now I'm in deep trouble."
Then he sees some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the remains with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Hey, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more like that around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog could've nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching all this from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, he goes chasing after the leopard. 
But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that smart aleck dog."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that cheeky monkey. I can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me a fresh leopard, and he's still not back!"


How it Pans Out…
"The difference between involvement and commitment is like a ham and egg breakfast. The chicken was involved, but the pig was really committed!"


High Strikes
"Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of bleeding, he sings." - Ed Gardner


High Living
A man goes into his local building supply store and orders 10,054 bricks.
"May I ask what you're building?" asks the man behind the counter.
"It's going to be a barbecue."
"Wow, that's a lot of bricks for one barbecue,"
"Not really; I live on the 12th floor."


Word Pundit Says….
1. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer an agony of defeat.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backwards poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultery in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A bomb in a French kitchen would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory but it was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison became a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's elves could be defined as subordinate clauses.


Take a Bough
Question. "If trees could scream, would we be quite so cavalier about cutting them down"?
Answer. "Well if they screamed all the time it would definitely make life a lot more comfortable to cut them all down…." 


"Hey, Lady…"
A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" She was understandably furious and continued on her way.
On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" She was really ticked by now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store owner and strangle the bird. 
The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot.
"Hey, lady!" it said. 
"Yes?"
"You know."


Reality Check
A student comes to a young professor's office after hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." 
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean...", she whispers, "...I would do...ANYTHING." 
He returns her gaze. "Anything ?"
"*Anything*." 
His voice softens. "Anything ?"
"Anything." 
His voice turns to a husky whisper. "Would you ........... study?"


Spectacular Job
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job --a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."
"That's easy", said the genie. "Poof! You're a housewife."


Wisdom from the Top
"It's not me who can't keep a secret it's the people I tell that can't." - Lincoln
"I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do that." - Truman
"There's one thing about being a president - nobody can tell you when to sit down." - Eisenhower
"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been before." - Eisenhower


Dead Horse
The tribal wisdom of the North American Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. 
But in modern management (and organisations and government); because of the heavy investment of time, money and energy which has gone into the establishment and maintenance of these critters; other strategies are often tried with these dead horses, including the following: 
1. Buying a bigger, stronger whip. 
2. Changing riders. 
3. Threatening the horse with termination. 
4. Appointing various committees to study the horse. 
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses. 
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included. 
7. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living-impaired." 
8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse. 
9. Harnessing two or more dead horses together to increase speed. 
10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance. 
11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance. 
12. Declaring that the dead horse carries lower overhead and therefore contributes more to the bottom line then younger, more vigorous horses. 
13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses. 
And, as a final strategy: 
14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.




