


Airline Joke.

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard 747 flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic." "If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off."
"If you look back down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a tiny little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's is me, your captain, the co-pilot, and the best looking air stewardess." 
"This is a recorded message. This is a recorded message. This is a re...""


ALWAYS THOUGHT GREEN SNAKES WERE OK? READ ON........

Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.
The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.
Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile the burning
drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.
Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.
Time passed... Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world -------
About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night. She shot him.


Birth Control Pill
Sadie: Doctor, write for me a prescription for birth control pills.
Doctor: You're in your eighties, you don't need them. 
Sadie: I know what I need, write for me please the prescription.
The doctor gives her the prescription. Several weeks later she is again in the doctor's office.
Doctor: So how are you feeling Sadie?
Sadie: I feel wonderful. Now I sleep like a baby. Thank you for the pills.
Doctor: But those were birth control pills, not sleeping pills.
Sadie: Listen to me. Every morning I put one in my granddaughter's orange juice, and now I can sleep like a baby.


Collectibles
Showing his friend around his home, Myrddin started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage. "The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."
"But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it."
"Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"


Memory Clinic
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" 
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques-visualization, association - it has made a big difference for me." 
"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" 
Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" 
"You mean a rose?" 
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife..."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?


Questions 
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him, "I'm a veterinarian and I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?" 
The doctor nodded, stood back, and looked her up and down. He then quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, then we'll just have to have you put to sleep."


Rare Pottery
In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery. He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. 
"It's not for sale," said the proprietor.
"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars." 
"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.
"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."
"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats."




