


Standards

An American, traveling on a train in Europe, met a Cuban tobacco grower, a Russian vodka distiller and a lawyer. While they were talking business, the Cuban took out four cigars and passed them around. After lighting his own cigar, the Cuban took one drag and then threw it out the window, explaining that cigars were of no consequence in his country since there was such an abundance of them. 
After dinner, the Russian passed out bottles of vodka. After taking just one swig, he threw the bottle out the window, explaining that vodka was of no consequence since, in Russia, it was so plentiful. 
The American businessman sat in quiet contemplation for several minutes then arose and threw the lawyer out the window.

If You Must...

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted in hassling him to no end until finally he gave in.
"OK!" he said with exasperation, "Follow me." and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him. Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.
"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the other bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"


666 (Which is the number of the Anti-Christ)
There is something very sinister about this. 666 is exactly 2.138 times the height of the pyramid of Cheops and if we multiply the height of the pyramid by 3.36 million, we get the EXACT, let me repeat that - EXACT - distance to the moon.
This next part is much more than mere coincidence: if you drop the zeros off 3.36 million and then add the first 3 to the 36, you get a figure which is EXACTLY equal to the age that Bill Gates would have been on his 39th birthday.
This provides CONCLUSIVE proof that Bill Gates is either an extraterrestrial or a pyramid.


Copyright Explained
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if the copy is right. If however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services you write rite, and have the right to copyright the rite you write.
Very conservative people write right copy, and have the right to copyright the right copy they write. A right wing cleric would write right rite, and has the right to copyright the right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.
Should Mr Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright. Duplicating that rite would copy Wright right rite, and violate copyright, which Wright would have the right to right.
Right?


Old Hermit 
An old guy who'd spent his whole life as a recluse in the desert goes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train in his life, but on his way he happens upon a railroad track. Standing alongside the track, wondering what the heck it was, he hears a loud whistle. Looking around, he sees a train bearing down on him like something out of the Apocalypse. The train just nudges him a glancing blow, but it still flips him into an arroyo, where his head smacks up against a rock and knocks him colder'n a witch's heart.
A while later he gets up, tenderly feeling the bump on his head and shrugging off the dust, and continues onto his friend's house, the whole time wondering what the devil that big darn thing was that nearly killed him. 
His friend greets him, puts on a kettle of tea, and they start swapping old lies. A few minutes later, the tea kettle starts whistling like crazy on the stove and the hermit jumps up in a panic, grabs a chair and pounds the whistling tea kettle flatter'n a pancake.
Amazed, his friend asks, "What the hell did you do that for?"
The hermit says, "Man, those suckers're dangerous. You gotta kill 'em when they're small!"



Every Morning 
Every morning an antelope wakes up knowing it has to outrun the fastest cougar or it will be killed.
Every morning a cougar wakes up knowing it has to outrun the slowest antelope or it will starve.
So, whether you're a cougar or an antelope, when the sun comes up, you'd better hit the ground running.


Comin' and Goin'
There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. 
On his way out the back door, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?" The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop." 
Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, OK." So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just about takes off. 
Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!! "Finally he remembers, "Amen!!" and the horse skids to a stop 4 inches from the edge of the cliff. The man sinks slowly back into the saddle, sighs deeply, and lets out a heartfelt, "Thank God"


SPCA not needed…..
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off, running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him right in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."


More Attention
In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light from the fireplace."
And the son's reply, "Dad, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States!!!"



