


Going Down
There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mineshaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!
The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mineshaft in front of them! 
The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be MY goat, my goat was tied to a railroad tie."


ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


SUCCESS 
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who has found such a man.


Oral Cure
"I finally quit smoking by using the patch. I stuck the darn thing over my mouth." --Wendy Liebman

Perpetual Motion
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It has been proposed to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the backs of hundreds of tethered cats; the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using the power generated by this giant buttered toast-cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.


Pardon Me? 
A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something to stop hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. (Whack!)
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups any more, do you?"
The man says, "Maybe not, but my missus out there in the car still does!"


Obsolescence 
"You know you're old when they've discontinued your blood type." --Phyllis Diller


Proof
A husband said to his wife, "No, of course I don't hate your relatives.
In actual fact, I like your mother-in-law a whole lot better than I like mine."


Pearly Whites
A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian. 
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected. "Any fool can open an oyster."


No 'Gators Here
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "are there any 'gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "Ain't been any for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the shore. As he got closer to shore he shouted to the guy again "What did you do to get rid of the 'gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em all."


Many Happy Returns? 
A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a birthday/anniversary card.
The clerk replied, "We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?"
The man said, "You don't understand. I need a card that covers BOTH events! You see, we're celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife's thirty-ninth birthday..."


Signs
Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." 
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." 
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." 
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." 
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." 
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" 
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!" 
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." 
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." 
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."


Holy Moses…..
"Somebody recently figured out that we have enacted more than 35 million laws just to enforce the Ten Commandments." --Bert Masterson


Pistol Packing Momma! 
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother and found a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom grinned and replied, "Yep, I remember."


Please Press The Hash Key
"For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press 3." --Alice Kahn


The Ring of Truth
My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son. 
Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back."
With that, he responded, "Ain't that the truth, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's."


Not Strait Laced
I was sitting on the sofa with my teenage son, discussing his day at school. "Mom," he said, "there's going to be a dance at the school this Friday and it's going to be formal. So, could I get a new pair of sneakers?"


More of life's mysteries! 
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? 
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? 
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? 
Why is a boxing ring square? 
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? 
Why is it considered necessary to firmly nail down the lid of a coffin? 
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls? 
Why is it that to stop Windows 95, 98, 2000 and NT, you have to click on "Start"? 
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? 
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary? 
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? 
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass? 
Can fat people go skinny-dipping? 


Insex
I stopped at a friends house the other day and found him stalking around with a flyswatter.
When I asked if he had gotten any flies, he answered, "Yeah, 3 males and 2 females." 
Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.
He answered, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."


Hare Hare
A young man was something of a slacker and found it difficult to hold down a job. After a visit to the employment office, he was offered work at the local zoo. When he arrived for his first day, the keeper, aware of his reputation, told him to take care of the tortoise section. 
Later, the keeper dropped by to see how the young man was doing and found him standing by an empty enclosure with the gate open. "Where are the tortoises?" he asked. 
"I can't believe it," said the new employee, "I just opened the door and whooosh, they were gone!"


Menu Fodder
Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
Ask and you shall receive……
All my life I said I wanted to be somebody...I can see now that I should have been more specific.


Lots of Bottle needed here
The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles for a fund raising activity. One ambitious young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced, older lady came to the door and barked out, "What do you want, Sonny?"
"D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, ma'am?" 
"Look here, young man, do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?" replied the lady.
"S-s-sorry, Ma'am," was his reply. "W-w-what about vinegar bottles?"


Definition
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.


International Understanding
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a fine Japanese hotel.


Room Service (RS): Morny. Ruin sorbees.
Guest (G): Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.
RS: Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??
G: Uh, yes... I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS: Ow July den?
G: What?
RS: Ow July den? Pry, boy, pooch?
G: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.
RS: Ow July dee bayhcem--crease?
G: Crisp will be fine.
RS: Hokay. An san tos?
G: What?
RS: San tos. July San tos?
G: I don't think so
RS: No? Judo one toes??
G: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes means."
RS: Toes! toes! Why djew don juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?
G: English muffin! I've got it! You were saying "Toast." Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
RS: We bother?
G: No, just put the bother on the side.
RS: Wad?
G: I mean butter--just put it on the side.
RS: Copy?
G: Sorry?
RS: Copy, tea, mill?
G: Yes. Coffee please, and that's all.
RS: One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy--rye?
G: Whatever you say.
RS: Tendjewberrymud.
G: You're welcome.


Tusk,Tusk….
A jeweller watched as a huge truck pulled up in front of his store. The back came down and an elephant walked out. It broke one of the windows with its tusk and then, using its trunk like a vacuum cleaner sucked up all of the jewellery. The elephant then got back in the truck and it disappeared 
out of sight.
When the jeweller finally regained his senses he called the police. The detectives came and he told them his story. "Could you describe the elephant?" the cop asked.
"An elephant is an elephant," he replied. "You've seen one you've seen them all. What do you mean 'describe' him?"
"Well," said the policeman, "there are two types of elephants, African and Indian. The Indian elephant has smaller ears and is not as large as the African elephant."
"I can't help you out," said the frustrated jeweller, "he had a stocking pulled over his head."


Fowl Pun. 
The minister had just finished an excellent chicken dinner at the home of a member of his congregation. Sitting on the porch after dinner he saw a rooster come strutting through the yard. "That's certainly a proud-looking rooster you have there," the minister commented. 
"Yes sir," replied the farmer. "He has reason to be proud, one of his sons just entered the ministry!"


Canned? 
"There is one thing more exasperating than a spouse who can cook and won't, and that's a spouse who can't cook and will." 
- Anonymous


THE SENILITY PRAYER
"God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference."
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
ONE- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
TWO- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
THREE- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
FOUR- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
FOUR- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
FIVE- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
SIX- If all is not lost, where is it?
SEVEN- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
EIGHT- Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
NINE- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
TEN- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
ELEVEN- Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
TWELVE- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
THIRTEEN- The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
FOURTEEN- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
FIFTEEN- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
SIXTEEN- It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere. 
SEVENTEEN- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
EIGHTEEN- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter.
NINETEEN- I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU BEFORE OR NOT!
Where was I??


Ask and Ye Shall Receive
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river".
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength …. and the tools to cross this river". 
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools... and the intelligence. to cross this river".
And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.


Reality Check
"What do you love most about me," a husband asked his wife, "My great athletic ability or my quick intellect?" 
"What I love most about you," responded the wife, "Is your enormous sense of humor."


A Pair of
Show me a man with both feet planted firmly on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't put on his pants.


Very Finny
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"


Value
She was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a game on TV. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this, there's an ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket." 
"Hmmm," her husband said, not bothering to look away from his program. 
She said teasingly, "Would you swap me for season tickets?" 
"Absolutely not," he said, "the season's more than half over."




