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<head type="title">I Don't Want to Scare You</head>
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The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said... "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades... somebody is going to get a spanking..."

<head type="title">Cat Proverbs</head>
<p>
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." --Dave Platt
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Unknown
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sleigh through snow." --Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley
"One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch
"People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life."
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<head type="title">A Dog Named Mace </head>
<p>A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. 
One day the mechanic was working on a car in his back yard and dropped his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so decided to call it a day. 
That night Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the back yard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. 
Realizing what had happened he looked up the the heavens and proclaimed...... 
"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me!"
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<head type="title">The Facts Of Life</head>
<p>* The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
* If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
* Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
* Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
* Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
* A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
* It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
* Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
* If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
* The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
* Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
* Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
* A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
* Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
* Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
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<head type="title">Wise Investing</head>
<p>A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.
Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
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<head type="title">The New Hunter</head>
<p>It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asked her, "What are you up to?" 
Alice smiled. "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"
Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. 
The cowboy, obviously distraught, said, "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it first!"
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<head type="title">Out of the mouths of babes...</head>
<p>While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
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