


Paradox ?

To put it simply, if the complexity of the human brain was simple enough to be understood, it would then be far too simple to understand the simplicity, do you understand?
Perspective
To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more appealing than going fishing.


Celebrating Religious Holidays
An atheist complained to a friend, "Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter; and Jews celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur; Muslims have their holidays. EVERY religion gets holidays. But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized national holidays. It's an unfair discrimination."
His friend replied, "Well... Why don't you celebrate April first?"


Skydiving
Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving. Late Sunday evening he was found in a tree by a farmer. "What happened?" said the farmer.
Liam replied that his parachute had failed to open.
"Well," said the farmer, "if you had of asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday."


This is Heaven
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. 
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." 
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your darn bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"


Age
I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
The golden years: When actions creak louder than words
The older you get, the better you get, (unless you're a banana)
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, ...then it just doesn't matter. - Mark Twain


The Service
Our old friend Gladys attended church services one particular Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, in an attempt to revive him from his stupor, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
To which the wakening gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"


There's a Noise
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye. "Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."


Behind the Wheel
Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." 
So she drove the boat to shore.
That evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, reached for the remote and switched the TV channel, then said to him, "Pretend I'm having a heart attack. Please go into the kitchen, dear. You must cook the meal, set the places, and then get the dinner safely to the table"


The Wet Rabbit
A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a very wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there.
"Sit, Fluffy," she says. Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over his knees.
"I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed. Fluffy squats in the middle of the room and urinates.
The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Fluffy, will you be good?!" Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office.
As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and apologises: "Look, I'm sorry, but I've just washed my hare, and I can't do a thing with it!"


Relationship Education For Men
Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better.
Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 
1. Combating Stupidity 
2. You Too Can Do Housework 
3. PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut 
4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray 
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Just Give Us Credit Cards) 
6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am 
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash My Silks") 
8. Parenting Roles Beyond Initial Conception 
9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook 
10. How Not To Behave When You Are Obviously Wrong 
11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right 
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence 
13. You, The Weaker Sex 
14. Reasons To Give Flowers 
15. How To Stay Awake After Sex 
16. You Don't Really Need That Porsche After Thinning Hair And Mid-Life Crisis 
17. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb 
18. How To Tolerate Bras And Pantyhose Hanging In The Bathroom
19. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Damn Well Please 
20. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat (formerly called "No It's Not A Bidet") 
21. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Often Bull
22. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost 
23. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency 
24. Romanticism - Other Ideas Beyond Sex 
25. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes 
26. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too 
27. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous 
28. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children 
29. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver 
30. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home 
31. You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked 
32. Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works! 
33. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Your Vocabulary



